Hulk Hogan……..For the second time, What the Fuck?
I think this is honestly a first for our little corner of the universe. I do not think that a celebrity has ever received two WTF articles about them. I guess if you are going to screw up big, you might as well make it as big as Wrestlemania 3. This morning my childhood was hit with a tombstone piledriver. I started my day off just like any other normal day. I had a cup of coffee and was looking at the best news source ever, Facebook. I stumbled across a story about the WWE cutting ties with Hulk Hogan and removing him from everything. So I had to think to myself, who did Hulk drop a leg drop on this time. I was however surprised with the information I had to read. It came crashing down, and it hurt inside.
And now story time. Hulk Hogan is in a court battle with the website Gawker for a sex tape that was released a few years ago starring everyone’s favorite wrestler using his 2.4-inch python to do dirty things with Heather Clem. Have no idea who she is? Well, you like many other people, are intelligent for not knowing that information. She is the former wife of shock jock, Bubba the Love Sponge. Yes, that is his radio name. You just cannot make up that stupid of a name on a whim. Hogan believed that the tape was released unfairly and is seeking justification to have it removed from the internet. If you have seen this video, you know that it cannot be unseen. Once it is on the internet, it spreads like herpes. Which I am guessing attached itself to the former champion much like the same way that Brian Knobbs did to Hulk Hogan. I feel that herpes is just part of the deal after having sex with someone who was married to a guy who goes by Love Sponge. However, that was just not good enough for the court case. Somehow in the midst of all this Hogan was Linda Tripped. If that was not a metaphor before, it is now.
A phone call was recording between the Baldheaded child hero and Heather Clem. The phone call contained a conversation where the Hulkster talked about his daughter Brooke. If you have no idea what she looks like, let me refresh you with one of the worst music videos ever made: (Note from Richard: watch video on mute)
Hulk was upset with the future winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race. (She looks like Hulk just with more hair. Give it a year and they will have matching mustaches.) Hulk was upset that she was seeing a black man which causes Hogan to either sound like he is dropping a new mixtape or auditioning for Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan. Ladies and gentleman here is what was said, however, we have changed all the inappropriate words with names of wrestlers from the 80s to make it less offensive to everyone involved and you the reader:
“I guess we’re all a little racist.”
“She is making some real bad decisions now. My daughter Brooke jumped sides on me. I spent $2-3 million on her music career, I’ve done everything like a jackass for her.”
“The one option Brooke had, Brooke’s career besides me, is [to] sell beach records.”
“I don’t know if Brooke was RIC FLAIRING the black guy’s son.”
“I mean, I don’t have double standards. I mean, I am a racist, to a point, Flash Funking Nikolai Volkoff. But then when it comes to nice people and Savage, and whatever.”
“I mean, I’d rather if she was going to Jumpin’ Jack Flash some Bull Nakano, I’d rather have her marry an 8-foot-tall Brian Knobbs worth a hundred million dollars! Like a basketball player! I guess we’re all a little racist. Terry Funking New Jack.”
So if you have not figured it out yet, Hulk Hogan dropped the N’ Word. I guess I do not recall the episode of Rock N’ Wrestling where Hulk Hogan told me to say my prayers, take my vitamins, and be a racist. Maybe I missed that episode, which you can see on the WWE Network for the low price of 9.99.
And as of today my childhood became a jobber to life. My childhood was put to sleep in the Million Dollar Dream, only to rest in peace. Ironically the same thing happened to the career of Hulk Hogan. The moral of the story, DO NOT BECOME FRIENDS WITH BUBBA THE LOVE SPONGE!