Hey, everyone! It’s me, Amy Albert. You probably know me from my hilarious writing, like my featured blog Crying into my Cake, about my real life experiences from when I was a kids birthday party performer. Or maybe my musical characters I do all the time on such sites as YouTube or Vimeo, like Delilah Dix! Or maybe it’s one of the two web series I wrote and was in, like The Secret Life of Otters, or the LA Webfest Award winner for Best Writing in a Comedy Series or Best Comedy Series, Assistance. Hm? What? Oh, none of those sound familiar? Because I have gotten lots of compliments on them…

Anyhoo, I’ve just added a new title to my…titles. Amy Albert, Mom. That’s right. I had a baby. Which means I have to get serious about being a writer. Because being a mom is serious business.

We all know that writers make very little money in most genres, and I’m all about dem Benjamin’s. Which is why I’ve taken a crack at writing America’s favorite reading material, Fan Fiction Erotica. So ladies and gents, may I present to you without further ado, my Magnum Opus. My super sexy fan fiction piece on the sexiest fan fiction topic there is…Vampires. Enjoy you minx!

Warning: NSFW, unless your W is at a sexy bookstore and reading sexy stuff is a normal part of your life!

The Time I Almost Boned Down With a Vampire
By Amy Albert

I first met Zeke at a wine and cheese party in downtown LA thrown by my friend, Jessica. I always met the most interesting people at Jessica’s W & C parties. It’s nice to be surrounded by people who share the common interests of wine and cheese. They’re always the most layered of personalities. And you can always have a conversation with a person who loves wine, let alone cheese.

eastcoastmenssmallI was in the middle telling a hilarious story to a group of partygoers about a wheel of Gouda that went missing from the last soiree when I saw him. He was standing by the cheese table, looking confused. Something about him was miraculous to me. Maybe it was what he was wearing, a long black coat, black t-shirt, dark jeans, and Tevas. Maybe it was the fact that he was wearing sunglasses on one of those bungee cord things around his neck, or perhaps it was the way that his hair was up in a sloppy bun on top of his head like a samurai that had given up on being a ninja and was now running a sandwich shop. I don’t know. What I did know, however, was that I had never met anyone like him. I felt drawn to him, like a moth to a flame.

I finished my story about the Gouda wheel (it was revealed that someone in a cheese stupor took it home instead of his briefcase! Can you imagine? Where is my paperwork for the trial Monday? I’m sure he asked himself) and left the group doubled over in laughter. I made my way to the table where Zeke was still staring sadly at the bleu goat cheese someone had brought from Humboldt County.

“So, you like those ashy blue veins, do ya?” I said with a smile.

He looked at me for a second, confused. I had a moment where I stared into his eyes, and then at his face, which I could have sworn sparkled, but as it turned out he had a spec of quince paste in the corner of his mouth. Jessica had just installed a bunch of energy-saving light bulbs, so it can distort your vision.

“Uh, yes, yes I do. Hi, I’m Zeke.” He extended his hand, which I shook lightly because no man wants to be intimidated by a strong handshake, at least not at first meeting. His hand was cold. Like a fish. And small, like a child working in a sweatshop.

“I’m Amy. Have you been to Jessica’s W and C parties before?” As I asked this, I was casually surveying the cheese table, trying to look uninterested.

wine cheese pairing cork“W and C…oh, Wine and Cheese! That’s very clever the way you abbreviated like that. No, I haven’t. I was invited…in…by a mutual friend.”

“Oh, well you’re lucky. These parties are very exclusive.”

He nodded and smiled. I felt the familiar warmth of a connection start to crawl up my spine. Or maybe it was the $12 bottle of Rosé I was sampling from Trader Joes.

“Hey, listen…” he started up.
“Do I want to get out of here? Yes.” I answered.

“Oh…okay. I was going to ask you if you were into anime, but sure, let’s do this.”

I quickly did my goodbyes and summoned a Lyft. We stood outside on the curb waiting for the pink mustache to arrive. I was already coming up with some snarky banter about how lame that marketing was. I didn’t want Zeke to think I was just a girl you take home after 2 minutes of cheese talk; I was also super witty about social observations.

Zeke broke the silence.

“Hey, I think you should know something about me.”

“What? HPV? Everyone has it to some degree. Even animals.” I said as sexily as I’ve ever said anything.

“Really? Wow, that’s alarming. No, something else…”

Just then the car pulled up. A four-door Hyundai with no mustache. Dammit, there goes my tight five! I thought.

We jump in. I give the guy directions and refuse his bottled water and individually wrapped mini snickers. I didn’t want to look like a thirsty, hungry pig in front on my new boyfriend. We ride silently for six minutes until we get to my apartment. The tension was building in the best way. Like when a gas main breaks in your building and you can smell something, but can’t put your finger on it, just that it may be dangerous.

We walk upstairs to my studio apartment where my cat, Abigail, greets us. She has diabetes, which I think would be a funny thing to tell Zeke, but when I turn around to make a sugar joke, he’s standing outside my door.

“What’s up there? You coming in?”

“Are you…inviting me to?”

“Uh, yeah. I mean, that’s why I used the last of my Lyft credit to get here?”

“But can you say it…out loud? That you’re inviting me into your house?”

“Didn’t I just do that?

“Not really.”

This was getting annoying, and I was losing my lady boner.
“Ok…do you want to come into my house?”

“Thanks,” He said flatly. Jesus, he was touchy.

Steve Buscemi: 'Making money is not a worthy goal in itself.'As he walked through the door, my track lighting revealed his face a little clearer, which was pale. Very pale, like Steve Buscemi pale. And thin. Thinner than me. I wondered if I had to wear my Spank with the crotch hole to make this work.

“You hungry?” I asked, hoping he said no because all I had in the fridge was some cat food, nail polish and almond milk.

“Kinda,” He said. He looked at me intensely at this moment, and I caught his drift like a person who catches those fish at the fish market in Seattle or wherever they have fish markets where they throw fish to people for them to catch. Look it up on YouTube, it’s a thing.

“Well, I got something you may like…it’s in here.” I motioned to my living room, which was the same room as my bedroom and kitchen. Because as you’ll recall, I live in a studio.

I walk backward with my finger extended and curling up to him, motioning that he should follow. I saw this once in a movie, and I was nailing it.

He followed. We fell together on my pull out couch. I started to unbutton my dress. Zeke stopped me.

“Wait. You should know something…about me. It’s… pretty hardcore, but I want you know, I won’t hurt you”.

A rush of adrenaline sped through my body. My clam heated up like a toaster oven that you would buy on a whim at a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day sale.

“What…what do you mean?” I sputtered with sort of a southern accent for no apparent reason.

“Amy, I’m a vampire. I sustain my strength and energy mostly on blood. “

“But, you were eating cheese at a W and C party. You had quince paste on your chin. I saw it!”

“Yes, true, I can eat other stuff too, but I don’t like it, and it makes me have terrible bowel movements.”

“Yeah, I get that when I have gluten. Although it may be psychosomatic.” I was getting hotter and hotter. What was next?!

“So if we do this, I’ll have to bite you a little bit during to have some blood. It won’t hurt, you’ll probably like it. It’s just if I don’t’ I can’t….”

“Maintain your boner?” I said breathily

“Well, that, but also…live.”

“Let’s do this,”

I put his hands on my boobs and felt my nipples harden. Probably because his hands were still so fucking cold. I gasped. He pulled away. I took my dress off myself. He stood and started to take off his clothes, first his coat, then his jeans, which got caught on his Teva’s, so he had to pull his pants up then take off his shoes, then take off his pants. As he was doing this, I made my couch into a bed and crawled under the covers. He slid in next to me and undid his messy bun.

“Oh…can you put that backup? Long hair weirds me out when it’s all hangy like that.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know. Most girls like it when it’s all flowy and stuff.”

“Well, I’m not most girls Zeke.” Jesus, did this dude ever stop talking?

“Gotcha.” He tied his hair back up Samurai style. Then it began.

Our bodies slammed into each other like the Titanic into an iceberg. Sort of literally because his body was somehow colder than his goddamn hands. I squealed, and he mistook that for me getting super into it. I shivered and again, he didn’t really understand it wasn’t out of passion but hypothermia. My teeth started to chatter when I suddenly heard…

“Ugh…oh no…no…sorry.”

I felt something on my leg that was like someone spilling ice water accidentally after they trip on a rug.

“What was…did you just?”

“Yeah…I’m sorry. It was that you were so into it…”

“No, I wasn’t really. Your body is cold as fuck. I was freezing.”

“Oh. That makes sense. Sorry. Can I…”

“What? Bite me now? No. You can’t.”

“Why not? You said!”

“No, I didn’t! You assumed, and when you assume you make an ass out of you and me.”

Lean-Cuisine-1-1-of-1He stared at me for a moment, clearly trying to glamour me. But all it did was make me want a Lean Cuisine that I could share with Abigail.

‘I think you should leave. Now.” I said firmly.

“Fine, but it’s not fair. You’re a cold-hearted woman. You’d make a good vampire, actually, if you’re ever looking for a change. It’s not all the bad, besides the eternal life thing, which can get boring.”

“Save your breath, Zeke, I’m a beach, person.” Zing.

He quickly got dressed and left. I never saw or heard from him again. Which was fine by me, because he splooged icicles on my leg.

Though sometimes, when it’s late at night and the moon is at its highest point, I remember Zeke. Then I turn on re-runs of True Blood before it got really shitty and stupid, and the plot points were lame, and I smile.

About the author

Amy Albert

Amy Albert recently moved to LA from NYC. She's been a comedian for about 12 years and has toured the US and the UK with her one woman show, Delilah Dix-America's Showgirl. She started out at UCB in New York but made her home at The PIT where she was on a house improv team, a long form musical improv team, and taught improv and characters. Assistance the Series has been featured in festivals and screenings across the country, and Amy is super, duper proud of it! In addition, she wrote The Secret Life of Otters, a web series about a couple of comedians that move to LA from NYC and are super awkward and end up insulting everyone all the time. Like two Larry David’s but one isn't Jewish and both aren't bald. She currently performs with iO West's Headliner Sketch team, The Mutiny, runs a character show every month at The Clubhouse, and has a super sweet 15 pound Yorkie named Dave, who she feeds off the table literally every meal and feels almost no guilt about it. She wrote this herself in the 3rd person and expects your judgment about that. www.laughatamy.com