So it seems at this time of year, there is always something trying to get you down. Be it the crazy “How dare you tell me Happy Holidays!” people, those who think Starbucks is trying to show a dying bear on a cookie, or just the plethora of horrible shoppers that just can’t seem to understand checkout lines or parking, it feels like there is always something waiting to ruin your Christmas Cheer. This brings us to one of the things that upsets me the most every time I see it: Half-Assed Outdoor Christmas Decorations.
Everyone has those little Christmas traditions that just have to be done every year. For some people it’s caroling, a special movie, specific food…you name it and it’s probably a thing for someone somewhere. For me, it’s always been Christmas lights. From the inflatables you know the kids picked out, to the dads with something to prove, to the crazies who think that they NEED to be on an ABC light special, the season cannot be complete without at least one night spent driving through town looking for Christmas cheer.
And this year was going to be even more amazing than most. This marks my first Christmas with my new beau. Extra time was spent picking out the best ugly sweater, the cutest hat, and making extra sure the car smelled festive. So, I pick him up and we head to the big green coffee house across town to get enough holiday themed caffeinated beverages to last the few hours sure to be spent in the car. The whole ride over, we discuss the best strategy for covering all of the necessary neighborhoods around the city. As we leave the drive through, we finally have a game plan and head to the first place on the list.
Which brings us to the upsetting portion of the night… I understand that not everyone has the time, energy, money, or even desire to put up giant Christmas displays. I also understand the concept of decorating for yourself, not other people. But if all you plan on putting up is one sad ass strand of lights on half a bush, why even bother? There should be no in between with decorating. You wouldn’t just frost half a cake would you? You paint more than just the top half of a room, right? So why on God’s green earth is it okay to commit any less to festive decorations?!? If you’re going to start a job, you finish it! We saw one house that had an entire string of lights just thrown over a single tree branch and trialing on the ground! That’s not decorating! And don’t tell me it was a work in progress because it was still in the same damn spot 4 days later! It’s a huge disappointment to see these sad excuses of decorating mixed in with the people who really did try.
I know that this sounds like I’m being a judgmental bitch, but come on people! These days more than ever, absolutely everything is about outward appearance. And I promise it looks much better to have nothing at all than just putting up something to say that you put up lights. And it’s not that only the big elaborate displays are the only things that I enjoy either! I love to see the house with 12 different strands of mismatched lights and random candy canes stuck in the yard. You know that someone had a blast out there putting that display up! I’m fine with a yard full of inflatable snowmen, Rudolf’s, and Santa’s on motorcycles. Someone found that and took the time carefully place it in the yard, tie it down to make sure that it doesn’t blow away. And then there’s the asshole that you can tell by looking at the yard they didn’t want to decorate and they didn’t care in the least. They threw something out there to prove to someone that they decorated, and it hurts my heart.
But wait, there’s more! This year was released a special kind of Christmas hell in the form of laser lights. The damn laser light projectors that every other house seems to have for a display. That is almost as big off a cop out at the pitiful strand of rope lights on that one column by the front door. And as if they didn’t look tacky enough, they have been recalled and no one seems to care!!! They mess with airplanes, and people don’t care enough to take them down. That’s terrifying to think that there are all of these houses with lights screwing up planes, and now there is going to be a huge plane crash in my neighborhood. And, let’s be real here, they look stupid. There is no reason to put three of them in front of your two bedroom single level home and make the whole thing an unappealing shade of green. On top of that, there is no way those lights are not shining straight through your windows, so seriously, how do you sleep at night?
So remember kids, less is not always more, but sometimes nothing at all is. If you don’t have the time or drive to actually put up outdoor Christmas stuff, then just don’t. There is no room for your half assed completely un-heartfelt stupidity. When it comes to holidays: Do or do not, there is no try.