Dear Santa,

I just want to be on the nice list. Yes, I’m naughty and while I understand that’s the only reason you know where I live, I don’t want to be on that list. I don’t need another lump of coal, as it will eventually be a diamond under all the damn pressure. I’m not into diamonds or all of the trappings that come with it. Fuck that. Frankly I am good at being naughty with my current partner and I don’t need your assistance this year in this particular department. I’m content. I just want some sort of document that shows my name on the nice list. That way I can have tangible evidence that I am not always a cunt.

jack_coke_bigSecondly I would like a new muse as she’s gone missing and I can’t be productive. I don’t have time to be unproductive, and to cease growth in this arena. I miss writing poetry that will rip your heart out, I miss my ability to just string words together in any kind of way that makes sense. I have time to kill, and talent to work on and this bitch wants to go missing during one of the most difficult, life changing years I’ve ever been through. What the fuck gives man? If you could also make this muse be activated via a few double Jack and Cokes per usual that would be great too, as I sometimes need a reason to drink alone and not be surrounded by a bunch of drunken twat waffles who think that doing it alone is unhealthy. I’m abnormal, I understand that and am totally cool with it.

Lastly, I’d like to have the ability to make female friends, because that shit would be like a super power. I’ve never had a super power, and this would be an easy one to use as training wheels. I sincerely have a scarce amount of female friends that many find frightening. I need to be able to learn these creatures to the fullest extent. If you could make this ability possible, that’d be great. Oh, and they need to be hot, like smoking hot with big titties, degrees, and intellectual minds.