When we last left our heroes, Richard found out that he was going to have to share the Christmas Spirit with someone to make them believe again. Time to spread that Christmas joy like a disease during Renaissance Europe in the 1300s. We also found out that the former Mrs. Claus is going to be transported to a retirement facility in Arkansas. Richard and Chris are going to have make the trek to The Natural State and try to make it back in once piece. And there was one more thing revealed, and that was the rule based on the cult Christmas classic, and we use the term classic very loosely here, The Santa Clause 2: The search for Spock. And now it is time to continue the 2015 Christmas Story, Probable Claus.
You ever get that feeling that you know you are being pranked. Like you hear something so outlandish that eventually you know that Ashton Kutcher and a ton of MTV cameras are going to pop out from behind a door way, startle you, and say you have been Punk’d. “The Tim Allen Rule? Out of all the things in the entire world, was it not possible to name the rule after say anyone else? Or was that not an option in this case.”
Brodie decided to come back in the room. “How did he take it?”
“Painfully without lube. WITHOUT LUBE!” I exclaimed back to Brodie.
“Good. That is the only way to handle news like this….If it makes you feel any better, one of the laws states that if you actually make it past the Tim Allen Rule, you win a free 50 dollar gift card to the Red Lobster. And who doesn’t love those cheddar biscuits?”
“And you kind sir, have found my weakness. Food.” Brodie and I have a good giggle as we walk out of the war room and back to our own rooms. We still have a few hours before we have to take the former Mrs. Claus to the retirement facility.
Emerson and Peony decide to follow me back to my lair. I am not quite sure why but something tells me they are up to no good, and possibly cahootsing. Yes, that is a word, and no, you may not steal it. The two ladies sit down in the corner and pull out their Blackberries. Yes, everyone has blackberries. Not my choice it just somehow happened one day. We are kind of behind the times at the North Pole. The workers here are just getting to know Adele’s new song….from 2011. I am still not sure how you set fire to the rain, but I am guessing that is a question that I will never know the answer to.
I am pacing the floor back and forth looking like a mad man trying to come up with a plan to find the future Mrs. Claus. “Helping someone live A Christmas Carol is like playing a game against the Dallas Cowboys, it is a sure thing. But how do I find love in this crazy environment. It is not like they make an app so I can just randomly meet strangers at any given time I want.”
“Did I just hear someone say dating app?” Peony says as her eyes light up like the star on a Christmas tree. “I have something you need to see. It’s a dating app. It is called Tinder.”
“Isn’t that a synonym for money? Oh hell no. If I wanted to pay for dates I would go hang out with the Easter Bunny on a more regular basis. And then I can have no money, at the high cost of the clap. That right there is the American Dream.”
Emerson looks at me like I have just farted during communion. “Your mother dropped you on your head quite a bit, didn’t she?”
I am taken back by the statement because Emerson is a kind, sweet, and gentle soul. Who am I kidding, I am guessing you don’t believe that shit either. The only thing I get out of my mouth was, “What?”
Em, without missing a beat, “Did I stutter?”
And that my friends is how to start off a day wishing you had one of those Staples Easy buttons.
Peony pipes back up. “Tinder is a phone app that allows you to choose a person by how they look.”
“Because that is the way you want to find love. So how did you and mom meet? Well, it all started with me in a bean bag chair, naked, eating bacon, and watching reruns of The Golden Girls. I became bored and decided to get on some app called Tinder. I will never forget the first thing we said to each other, because it is the three most romantic words in the English language. Netflix and Chill.” As I say to the ladies because I like many of you know that you can’t find love on an app that you swipe left or right on. If that was the case, the guys who started Hot or Not would be married and not living in their parents basements.
“Why don’t you just give Tinder a try?” Emerson exclaimed.
“No, because I have standards. I wouldn’t be in this place if it was for freaking Tim Allen. Why can’t he be more like Alan Thicke?” I said.
“What is your motto? What Would Alan Thicke Do? What would he do? Huh, Richard, What would he do? Would he just sit there like a bump on a log? No. Tell me what he would do. Come on!” Peony said to me.
I begin to pout like a four year old as I know I have been outmatched in this argument. “He would say show me that Smile Again.”
“Damn right. Now, let us pick who you go on your Tinder Dates with. We won’t set you up with people that we know you won’t like. We promise.” Emerson said with a glee in her eye.
Something tells me this is not going to end well at all. “Why the hell not? I want to continue being Santa so I guess I will try anything.”
Emerson and Peony begin their work to find Richard a life mate. Meanwhile a couple of rooms down Brodie is having a discussion with the former Mrs. Claus about leaving the North Pole.
“Are you almost ready to go Levonne?” Brodie asks her.
Levonne just blankly stares into space as she is asked the question. This is the first holiday that Levonne has not been with her late husband, Santa from our previous stories. He was more than just Santa to her. He was her life. She knew him better as Walter. The two of them met in the late 1940s and were together ever since. She is lost without her best friend.
“Levonne, hun? Are you almost ready to leave?” Brodie asks again.
Levonne looks up with tears in her eyes, the pain of loss can be seen her eyes. And she just politely shakes her head no. The tears begin to roll down the cheeks of Levonne. Brodie’s heart starts to break seeing the sight of the elderly woman crying. He just bends down to hug her.
“We love you Levonne.”
Meanwhile back in Santa’s room, the ladies are about to find out who wants to play, Who Wants to Date Santa?
Peony has the most sinister smile on her face. Part of me is fearing for my life, and the other part of me is fearing for my life. Either way the feeling I have at this point is fear with a small amount of urine rolling down my leg for effect.
“We have found you three dates. That is right not 1…..Not 2….But 3 lucky women who want to jingle your bells and deck your halls.” Peony says with a smile.
This is going to hurt. I say with hesitation in my voice. “Tell me something about them?” Please don’t say they have wonderful personalities. Please don’t say they have wonderful personalities.
“The first lady is named is Mary Beth.” Emerson says
The only thing I can think of at that point is that someone actually named their child Mary Beth. I nod. There is not really much I can say in this case.
“The second ladies name is Bella” Peony Says.
“Fuck my life, my biggest competition is going to come from a vampire who sparkles.” I say back with some sarcasm mixed in.
The two of them sigh. “You need some new material.”
“Well, Your mom.” That was a wonderful comeback. Yep. That did it. That struck fear in the hearts of none.
“The third lady is named Sophia.” Em said.
I kind of like that name. Maybe she is from Mexico. A little culture never hurt anyone.
“Your first date is going to take place at the Gingerbread Coffee House. In 10 minutes.”
“OMG what am I going to wear? Do I want to be dressed as Santa? Or do I want to wear my normal clothes? OMG what is a guy going to do?” I am panicking like there is no tomorrow. I would make a wonderful character in a Zombie Apocalypse film.
As Richard heads for his first date with the mysterious Mary Beth, we head back to Levonne’s room. Brodie left the room only to come back to Levonne holding a picture of Walter as she tells him how much she still loves him even though he is gone.
“Walter, my love. I never thought you would be the one who went first. It’s weird not having you around anymore. The only way that I am going to be able to look into your beautiful eyes is through my memories. You were my light when it became dark. You were the man who made me laugh when I was at my saddest. You may not be here physically but I still feel you Walter. I love you. Christmas is not going to be the same without you here.”
“Levonne, everyone loved your husband and we all love you so very much. We are going to miss you around here. Believe me when I say that. I wanted to tell you who was going to be taking you home. It’s going to be Richard and Chris.” Brodie says.
“Brodie, Thank you for making that happen. I just know that I may never be in the Christmas spirit again in my life.” Levonne says.
Brodie smiles. “Levonne, I don’t think that is going to be the case.”
And now to the Gingerbread Coffee House where a hipster is telling poetry, and Richard sits with a rose attached to his shirt like a sitcom cliché.
I have a bad feeling about this. Something tells me this will not end up like a Sheldon and Amy story from Big Bang. My gut tells me this is going to be more like stomach after Taco Bell felling.
A woman walks into the coffee shop showing her midriff, wearing daisy dukes, Fatbaby boots, with a John Deere tramp stamp.
Dear God! She looks like a reject from a Billy Ray Cyrus music video.
“Hi! I’m Mary Beth.”
Alright I am sucker for a southern accent. I may have just made a puddle in my pants. I need to pull this together. “Hi, Mary Beth. My name is Richard. What would you like to drink?”
She pauses for a second. A very long second. Ok, so this may be more like a minute. The silence is so awkward you could cut it with a pillow.
“Bud Light.” She says.
I just gave a woman the deer in the headlights look and I do not even feel bad about it at all.
“They sell coffee.” It took everything I had not to say please read the name of the sign.
“I’ll be fine.”
Well this is going really well. Please hint the sarcasm. And by hint, let it hit you in the face.
“Tell me a little about yourself Mary Beth?” I feel I may have just opened Pandora’s Box.
“Well, I am 26. I love muddin. 4 Wheelers. Wearing Diapers. And Kenny Chesney Music.”
“Wait a second. What was that?” I say confused.
“Kenny Chesney.” She says as if that is the one I wanted repeated.
“No before that.” I say.
“4 Wheelers.” She says.
“No after that.”
“Oh, I wear diapers. They are comfy and they make me look cute.”
“Yeah, Mary Beth it has been wonderful to meet you, but it is time for you to….Sashay Away.”
“The date is over.” And just like that my first date from Tinder goes down like….No that was so bad no funny analogy is needed here. I get a text telling me the second date is almost at the coffee house. Something inside of me makes me wish they did actually sell Bud Light.
The second lady walks into the coffee shop and she is drop dead gorgeous. She is wearing a flowing dress, heels, dressed to the nines. You would think this date was with Brad Pitt and not some guy who shimmys down a chimney.
Well, I feel I need to stand for this one. “Hi. I am…….”
“Name’s Bella. I’m married and just looking for some side action. You interested?”
“No I am not fucking interested. I am not the mistress to ruin someone perfectly good marriage. Well, I guess not good marriage if you are cheating. Wait, is your husband named Edward?”
She huffs, does a hair flip and walks out of the coffee shop, as Roxette’s The Look was playing in the background.
I sit back down at the table. My phone goes off again. I look down and it is apparently the wannabe millionaire matchmakers. They proceed to tell me that my third date is almost there. The first two dates have been completely terrible. I am not sure how this could get any worse.
As I am typing a Facebook status about this can’t get any worse, the third lady sat down at the table.
“Hi. My name is Sophia!”
Ladies and Gentlemen reading this story, it got worse. How many of you saw that coming?
I look up because the voice sounded very familiar.
We cannot make eye contact with each other. We both slowly make our way from the chairs, turn away from each other and start walking the other direction in hopes that we never speak of this again.
Richard and Chris, no longer dressed as Sophia, are loading the car to take the long journey to Arkansas to take Levonne the Retirement Facility for people who worked at the North Pole. And yes it is top secret. All of a sudden Brodie appears and needs to speak with Richard.
“Richard, because of the rules of what is going on, to make sure you complete your tasks, I need to accompany you two on the trip. Is that OK?” Brodie asks
“Hell yeah. Thank you.” I hug Brodie. And I can see that I may have overstepped a boundary with Brodie in that moment. I help Levonne into the car. Brodie sits in the back with Levonne, I am hesitantly the front passenger seat with Chris is driving. The car pulls out of the driveway, the entire North Pole is waving bye to Levonne. She is waving back and blowing kisses to them.
“So Richard, are we going to talk about what……” I cut Chris off before he could get any more of that sentence said.
“Nope. Never Happened.”
It did happen. I was there, You were there. It was quite funny.
“What happened?” Brodie asked with a snicker, you could even hear a laugh from Levonne. Yeah, we are never going to live that moment down.
Car Rides are boring, and this one was full of ska music, Funyuns, and Levonne playing scratcher tickets. Short version, Flatulence and an extra three dollars. After a day of traveling, they arrive at the top secret North Pole Retirement Facility in Arkansas. Brodie walks into the facility to help get Levonne all checked in. Richard and Chris were unloading the trunk.
“Are we ok man?” Chris asked.
“We are good!” I replied.
“I should have told you that I love dressing as woman. The elves are helping me become who I truly am on the inside.” Chris said smiling.
“Man, you be you. Who cares what anyone thinks, but next time warn a brother on Tinder!” Chris and I both had a laugh. We both walked in with Levonne bags, and there she was. She was behind the nurse’s desk. She was talking to Brodie about Levonne, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of her at all. Somehow, I gravitated to her.
“Guys, this is Levonne’s nurse Ashlee.” Brodie says to us.
“Hi. I am Chris. And this is Richard.” I try to speak and the only thing to come out of my mouth was…….
“Do you like Doctor Who?” I said. Yep, I didn’t say Hi. I said do like Doctor Who. I am giving myself the dumbass of the day award.
She laughs and says “Allons-y”
Ashlee asks Levonne and Brodie to follow her so she can show them around. After the two of them leave, I turn to Chris and say “I know this may sound crazy, but I am going to marry her. She is my Mrs. Claus.
Will Richard be able to finish both Clauses? Find out Tomorrow night in Part 3 of Probable Claus.