Self-Help for the Helpless: Christmas

Eeyore_3Why do a lot of you make me want to take the thing that is most cherished to me and stick it in a toaster to never be used again? It is the holiday season, and the only thing that I am seeing is a bunch people looking like they are going to be the stars of a new season of My Super Sweet 16. If you do not know who I am, you will by the end of this piece. My name is Stick Figure(Oh the weather outside is tornadoes and not snow. Instead of asking Santa for a lady maybe I should have asked for a weather radio. Who am I kidding, I don’t want my gift to be that lame. I know I will be able to keep her because unlike Steve Harvey, I will not be saying the wrong name.) Dan. I never realized how many of you actually needed more Self Help for the Helpless until I logged onto Facebook. I thought Facebook was a social media site but instead it has become the diary of a teenage emo girl in 2008 while listening to Panic at the Disco. I have never heard so much complaining in my life, and I have been married three times. Let that sink in. Today, I am going to give the biggest lesson you have ever had to make your life better. A lesson you need to take to heart quickly or it is going to be a sad new year of people turning into the fucking donkey from that fat bear who eats honey story.

Are you sitting down? If you say no, your ass needs to find a seat. And don’t take your time finding a chair, this isn’t death row. I want you to say this aloud so everyone around you can hear it as well. I need to become a street preacher without being creepy. Here we go…….I need to stop worrying about everyone else and focus on what is happening with me. Can I get an Amen? If you said the second sentence as well, and received an Amen, you have advanced in your training young padawan.

nbc-fires-donald-trump-after-he-calls-mexicans-rapists-and-drug-runnersI am all for freedom of speech and believe that people should have their own opinions. Now, with that out of the way, because I do not want to piss off the wrong teabagger. I ask a question, why is everything offensive? All of a sudden everything has become offensive. Seriously, a lot of you have become what we all hated as kids, the fucking tattle tale. “OMG…..Did you see the polar bear cookie has a slit throat? We should take to social media and write a stern comment.” If that actually caused change you would be the front runner in the either party’s presidential race heading into 2016. It is a cookie that after you eat will turn to poo. Why does it matter what it looks like? We have been eating tootsie rolls for years and no one has been offended that they look like chocolate owl pellets.

It doesn’t matter what it is, people are offended to the point where they may cry. It is Christmas. Who cares if someone bought their children a shit ton of gifts? Does it affect you in any way? Other than the fact that they are putting back into the economy…No. Some of you are so close to growing green fur and stealing from the who’s, it’s scary. It is freaking Christmas. So go out buy a Santa Hat and get some cheer, you wankers. It is a time to sit around with you dysfunctional family and fight over stupid things like adults instead of hiding behind a damn keyboard.

Figure It Out…



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Stick Figure Dan
Stick Figure Dan is the resident loud foul mouthed prick of TBK Magazine. He is a loud mouth who will say anything at any given moment. He hates the world and everything in it. Dan came into the society as a writer in 2007 and hasn’t looked back since. He likes to write open letters to famous people, putting them in their place.
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