I always get excited around this time of the year and who wouldn’t. The food, the presents, all the trees decorated in beautiful colors that would give a dog a confused seizure. Christmas is very special to me. For the last three years, I had to rescue the big guy from the North Pole. I think he is getting kidnapped just as much as the princess from the Mario Kingdom. If there ever was a damsel in distress it would be good ole Santa Claus. Well, this year is going to be different. I promise you this year is going to be different. I am even going to throw in a plot twist right from the beginning of it all. Santa does not get kidnapped this year. Yes, that is right, believe it or not. I wonder if I now owe Dean Cain some royalties for saying that. I have already given a huge plot hole right from the beginning but if you think this is going to be filled with the things that snowmen are made of, you are wrong.
365 days ago, I would have never thought I would be in the position that I am in now. I am no longer a loner just trying to rescue Santa. I am now a happily married man who is also now a step-father. Let me tell you, having a kid, even if the child is not biologically yours, you still get to have the joys of being a parent. I bet you are asking yourself, “I wonder if she works at the North Pole?” I have given up women who are enchanted. If you ever find yourself in a position of dating someone that is able to do magic, you better be going to Hogwarts or fornicating on World of Warcraft. I finally just settled to have the best Christmas ever. I think it is going to be quiet this year. I think those are famous last words muttered by fools.
My wife decided to wake me up very early in the morning. I lied. I am sorry, for me early in the morning is 4 in the afternoon. Nyquil will do things to you that are just explainable by the human experience. The reason she woke me up from my slumber was to buy Christmas presents. After the events of the last three years, I am scared to walk outside the door or move from the room with no windows. She kept trying and trying and eventually after some oral persuasion, (Get your heads out of the gutter! That is filthy, she offered me some hot wings!) I decided to brave the cold and go to the most hated place in the world.
It’s time to play the Christmas Family Feud. We surveyed 100 people, and the top answer is on the board. Besides going to your in-law’s house on Christmas, name the most hated place to go around the Holidays.
Survey says…Number 1 answer!
I get to walk in the land of low prices and Duck Dynasty beards. I have to say if you have anyone that is any type of redneck in your family, these guys have made your Christmas shopping much easier. We start to head down the toy isle. At this moment, I have turned into a Solid Snake from the Metal Gear franchise. I am peaking around each corner. Hell, I am even rolling to make sure that if there happens to be a character from the North Pole, I am not going to be caught. All those years of watching James Bond movies are starting to pay off. Mom said you can’t learn anything from television! I just expected something to happen. I just know how this works. I am doing something Christmas related and all of a sudden, BAM. They’re here! I’m getting whisked away to the North Pole and no one sees me for more than 13 days. I do not want that happening again. Maybe I should take up loving some Duck Dynasty and start wearing camo. No one notices a man wearing camo. We grab all the toys we can get. We grab all the clothes we can get and no sign of anything happening this year. Have I finally been able to get through a Christmas without something happening? If I die in this story, please put those exact words on my tombstone.
My wife, Lisa wants to know if I wanted to go to Hobby Lobby. Is it safe to tell your wife no? I would rather be at home in safety hiding under a fort made of blankets in hopes that Saint Nicholas will not be there. We pull up as soon as we pull up, there is a man dressed like an elf ringing a bell. I knew it. They are trying to get me to go to the North Pole again. I swear to the good Lord, if this is all just a ruse to get me to save Christmas again, I am kicking an elf right in the gingerbread man. We are walking up to the doors of the store when the elf turns on me and just gives me a look. I do not know a better way to describe the look other than the fact he wanted to tell me what is about to happen. “I AM NOT GOING.” I yelled and took off right for the elf. I want you to picture a fat guy in a Santa Hat, chasing a grown ass man around dressed like an elf. The only thing missing from this scene was the Benny Hill music. My wife, which I should tell everyone…. Can kick my ass, tackles me like a quarterback in an NFL game. She grabs the collar of my Green Lantern shirt, “That man is just trying to get donations for the Salvation Army. What in the hell has gotten into you?” I really do not want to tell her what has happened with me and past Christmases. She is either going to look at me and snicker or just laugh her ass off. Either way, I feel like telling her about my Christmas stories is just a moot situation. My wife loves Christmas but does not believe in Santa Claus. I feel telling her that her 29 year old husband has rescued Santa in every one of the past three years is not going to get me anywhere. Needless to say, I helped the man up and gave a decent amount to the Salvation Army. My main reason for doing this was for the fact a grown elf would not sue the tights off me.
The cost has been clear all day. No craziness, well except chasing the elf but that can be expected at this time of the year. My wife and I stop to grab some fast food. I am paranoid that something is still going to happen to me. We are in the drive thru at Burger King. The lady takes our order through the speaker. Still no strange moments. I feel this is by far going to be the best Christmas, well the quietest Christmas I have had in years. (If you have not picked up on the foreshadowing, I am foreshadowing. It is simple story logic.) We got our food and started the drive home. I felt like I needed to come clean about what has happened to me at Christmas.
I looked at Lisa with a dead serious face and said the exact words, “Santa Claus is real. I was in the North Pole for the last three years. I have had to save the big man from dangers that no one could think of. Granted, I was the mastermind behind one of those. I was able to become friends with Santa.” Lisa was just kind of sitting there with a reindeer in the headlights look. She looked confused. She whipped her around and looked at me. She just busted out into one of those laughs that would make anyone ashamed of anything. I have always wanted to know what my most embarrassing moment was going to be. I think at that moment of time I realized exactly what was. She couldn’t stop laughing. The laughing went on for the two mile drive home. This was the longest drive of my life, and I have been stuck in traffic in Los Angeles.
We pull into the parking garage. The trip was one of the simplest trips I have ever had, with the exception of the uncontrollable laughing that went on for a good sound 20 minutes. My giggling wife and I grabbed the gifts from the back seat of the car. We take the stairs up to our apartment. Put the key in the door and I let out a giant sigh of relief. This year is going to be a Christmas spent at home. No commotions nothing. “Where can I put the gifts?” I asked. “Put them in the bedroom so I can begin wrapping them and putting them under the tree.” I carried the bags full of wonderful toys and candy to the bedroom.
I figured to celebrate the wonderful holiday season I was about to spend with my new family, I was going to fix me a cup of Hot Chocolate and watch my favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story. I walked back into the living room. The first thing on the list to do, was turn on the Christmas tree. I walked over to the tree and plugged in the lights. As I got up, I felt a cold breeze come blowing through the apartment. I figured it was just the fact that the window was left open. I turn around to make some wonderful hot chocolate with milk. I am sorry but trying to drink hot chocolate with water is terrible. I would rather drink cherry cough syrup. As I was putting some whip cream in my hot chocolate, I felt another cold breeze swift through the apartment. I turned around to see three presents sitting under the tree. One was white, one was red and the last one was green. I knew my wife said she could wrap gifts like no one else but I never thought she was that fast. I went to the bedroom, and before I could even ask her if she had already wrapped some gifts, “What do you think of the first one I have finished?” I stood with a confused look on my face. I said it was an amazing job. I grabbed the gift and headed for the tree.
I was as confused as a bisexual at an orgy. Where did these other gifts come from? I just plugged in the tree and nothing was there. I turn around and poof. The thought started to run in my head, something was about to change my whole Christmas. All I wanted was just one quiet Christmas with my new family, in a new town, a new beginning. Why is the past following me here? The white gift started to glow. “Someone got us a disco ball, which is a bad ass gift.” I picked it up and there was a note on it addressed to me. “Open Today!” Well, I am not going to turn down opening a gift early by no means. Come on Disco ball!!!! I removed the top of the box. My heart started to pound. I knew what was in this gift was going to change my life forever. The lid is removed. I am sifting through that annoying tissue paper that one gets with a gift. Maybe it is a bowling alley? It is a remote control. I know I am in love with television but even I have to say that is a pretty shitty gift. There is another note in with the remote. “Please turn to channel 42!!!” Ah shit. I know that network and it’s…..
“Megyn Kelly here with Fox News. This is a breaking story. The Caucasian man known as Santa Claus has been arrested. The accounts brought upon him is a mile long but we will note the big three. Santa has been charged with 40,000,000,000 counts of breaking and entering. He is also being charged with reckless driving and finally he is being brought up on child pornography charges. The group known as MASC (Mother’s Against Santa Claus) are the ones who brought up charges against the so called white jolly guy. Please stay tuned to Fox News for the latest on this story.”
I dropped the remote control. I couldn’t believe my eyes what I have just witnessed. There is no way this can be true. All of a sudden there is a knock at my front door. “I’ll get it.” I made sure that my wife wouldn’t answer the door. I open the door and there is standing a man in a White and Red suit of camo with a beret on. “Hello, I am with Santa’s Secret Service. Are you Richard?” He said in a very stern voice that put the fear of God in my heart. “How can I say no to someone who could kill me 20 different ways with a plastic spoon?” “I am specialist Orden. I have a note from the big guy himself.”
As you know I have already been arrested on charges that are ludicrous and false. I need you now more than any. You can save Christmas once again but the past three years have been a cake walk compared to what decision you are going to have to make this year. Specialist Orden will give all the details of your mission. Richard, you are my only hope.
I really wish he could have broken down after reading that last part and let a droid read it. It would be awesome to feel like Obi Wan again.
“Here are your options, Richard. If Santa can’t be saved, there will never be a Christmas again. No boy or girl will ever get to smile when opening a gift again. No Trees, No Cookies, No Family. Just another day.” Orden was about to say the next line before he was interrupted.
“I will do anything to save Christmas.” I exclaimed without missing a beat.
“I wish you would have let me finished. The only way you can save Christmas, is to erase the last three years. All the friends you have made, all the people you have the opportunity to meet and this does include your wife will have never happened.”
I started to cry. This decision is not one you could make in a split second.
“It has to be made in this split second, Richard” Orden says as he knows he is reading my mind.
I went to the door of the bedroom and looked at my wife. Can I get rid of all this happiness to save Christmas? Why does it have to be me making this tough decision?
“Specialist Orden, my decision is……..”
A group of police officers led the Santa into the courtroom. It was a very weird site seeing Santa in hand cuffs and sitting in a court room. The lights dimmed really low and a bunch of spot lights came out. The lights were moving in a circle. From my seat at home, I felt I was getting ready to watch a game show and Santa was about ready to win a one way trip up the creek without a paddle. I felt that my eyes were playing tricks on me the entire time. I have never seen Santa in anything but red white. The only thing that was running through my head is Santa doesn’t do orange justice. I am really hoping he doesn’t end up like the woman from Orange is the New Blackand if he does please let it be with less sex.
A booming voice came raining down from the production booth from the heavens. “Normally, Judge Reinhold would be preceding over cases like this but he is off doing other work. We didn’t know that he had other work either. Now, with all that being said, all rise for the Judge of the Character Court, the honorable Alan Thicke.”
I don’t think it could be Christmas for me unless there is an appearance from Dr. Seaver in one of these stories. (If you are waiting for the obligatory, Show that Smile Again joke, just wait, it will happen.)
“Santa, you are being tried for the following charges, 2 Counts of Death of A Pumpkin King, Kidnapping, Reckless Driving, a billion plus accounts of breaking and entering, watching kids while they are sleeping, watching the kids while they are awake. Before, I read any more charges, I raised Mike Seaver and Santa, and you are still a saint compared to Kirk Cameron. Back to the charges, 42 counts of reindeer destruction, and jaywalking. Santa, How do you plead?”
Santa looked around as if he was punched in the gut over and over by Floyd Mayweather. His face turned a new shade of white, I would almost say that it was transparent. I am not sure if the color chart at the Home Depot even has that shade of white.
Santa, without wasting another moment of anyone’s time stood up from his seat. Slammed down his mittens in a rage that could only be duplicated from a teddy bear who takes steroids and with a stern voice that rocked that courtroom said…..
I stood there with Specialist Orden as he waited on my decision. I started to cry at the very thought that I was either going to give up my own happiness or cause everyone in the world to lose their happiness. “You need to hurry!” He shouted at me. I knew this decision was going to have to be made quickly. The thoughts came racing through my mind of what to do. What was right? What was wrong? Is there any way to come out on top in this situation? I glanced over at the television just in time to hear Santa give his plea in the charges brought against him.
“No! No! No! Not Guilty. I know the charges brought against me are the ones of a false nature. I have never hurt anyone in my life. I am the jolliest man you will ever meet! I think it drives all of you nuts in this Land of Characters that I am the only person who is able to deliver toys, not just to one town but to an entire country. I don’t only do that once but I deliver to 7 continents in one night. I am proud that I am able to bring children all across the world happiness by the hand of my elves and my very own hands. Christmas will never die. Its spirit will live on in those who believe.”
The speech was one from the heart and anyone watching could tell that, but I knew that he was royally fucked.
“I know what I am about to do is to mess up my own life but at this point, I have no other choice but to save Christmas.”
“You need to say goodbye to your wife and step daughter one last time because once you leave with me, coming back will never be an option.” Specialist Orden said to me. I hung my head down. The water begins to fill up my eyes. I shook my head yes at Specialist Orden. I turned around and walked to the bedroom. I open the door to walk in on her wrapping one of my gifts.
“Shut the door! Have you ever heard of knocking? Did you see what your present was?” She screamed at me in a tone that could have killed the Walking Dead. “I did not. I just wanted to say, I love you.” I shut the door to the bedroom before she could say I love you back. By the way for those of you wondering what my gift was, it was the Leg Lamp from A Christmas Story. A very special memory for me but it doesn’t matter because in just a short while all of this will have never existed. Specialist Orden types in the coordinates of where our first stop will be.
“Grab my arm.” He says in a very stern voice that could make a witch come to her knees. I gave him a very confused look. “I don’t know you very well. Are you at least going to buy me dinner first?” He shook his head with disgust and a giant white light starts to shine. I am going to tell you, four years of this and I will never get used to it ever. Poof. We were gone in a flash.
The next step of the trial was going to be a very tricky one. Picking a jury of people who doesn’t know Santa Claus. Is that even possible? The jury was made up of 12 characters that could make or break Christmas if I am not successful. The characters ranged from Christmas Stories all through time. Ralphie’s Dad from A Christmas Story, George Bailey, Grandma, Olive the other reindeer, Turbo Man, Jack Frost and the one that shocked everyone when he walked into the courtroom. The jury foreman was the one and only Frosty the Snowman. This would normally be a great thing but all the characters of Christmas stories want Santa’s head on a platter and served up with a side of ketchup.
“Prosecution, you may call your first witness.” Judge Thicke says. The prosecuting attorney was a very scary individual. He struck fear in the hearts of all who approached him, at least under the age 5. The Easter Bunny. Not only is he the Prosecuting attorney for the North Pole but also the owner of the strip club The Boobie Bungalow. “The first character that I am calling to the stand is…. Rudolph.” The audience in the court room took a giant gasp all at once. I feel that this was possibly rehearsed. This is a page right out of Saved by The Bell if I am not mistaken.
“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Do you swear to tell the truth blah blah blah, till death do you part? Or something like that. This is my first day.” Says the bailiff.
“I do.” Rudolph says.
“Mister Rudolph……. Do you feel that your owner/trainer treats you well?” The Easter bunny asks while pacing the courtroom.
“There are days he could do better…” and before Rudolph could get another word in edgewise, The Easter bunny cut him off. “You can now add animal cruelty to that nasty list that’s supposed good man is being accused of. No further questions.”
The audience was flabbergasted and ironically instead of an applause sign there was a sign that said Flabbergasted.
My wife comes out of the bedroom to try to find me. She is wondering where I am at? She frantically starts looking all through the house. She thinks I am in the other bedroom. Nowhere to be found. She knows I am a chubby guy so she checks the kitchen and the bathroom. Not in any of those. She even checks the closet to see if I am in there. No Luck. (I find it mean that the closet would even be a thought.) No trace of me anywhere and she begins to panic. Frantically hoping that I will answer, she tries calling and calling but no answer.
We arrive at our destination. I know I have been here before. Wait a second. This is the damn location of last year’s rescue. I can see the stage to Santa’s Got Talent. We are back in the competition. Oh hell no. I refuse to do this shit again. If I am going to do anything from last year’s mission, why can’t it be with the elves? If all of you can’t remember all the elves are women. You know that I think about it, Santa might actually be kind of a pervert after all. Is there anyway, that Santa would have cheated on Mrs. Claus? No way. Maybe. How in the hell am I supposed to know it is 2013, well I guess where I am at 2012.
“Richard, I know this is going to be painful for you but I need you to stop yourself from saving Christmas. Last year, you were going to be shot by Santa’s Head Elf but you dodged a bullet by wearing the Big Guy’s Hat. You have to steal that hat and make sure that she shoots you.”
“Are you bloody mad? Wouldn’t that mean if I get shot that I wouldn’t be here? Wouldn’t that defeat the damn point of bringing me back in time? I have heard of better ideas from The CW Network. I am not going to steal a hat off my own head just to watch myself die.”
I learned a valuable lesson in that moment of life. Never piss off a military man. That is one of the scariest reactions, I have ever seen in my life. I knew that I have awaken the trained stone cold killer. I am now on a search to steal a hat from myself. I have a feeling this is not going to go well.
My wife called her friend Wendi over to the house. Wendi arrived to see my Wife sobbing uncontrollably. “I don’t know where he is. I can’t get hold of him. He was in the house just a few minutes ago and he is gone. What do I do?” Wendi just holds her friend through this time of pain and tried to console her as the confusion as to where I went sets in.
My wife is freaking out over my whereabouts, Santa’s trial is not going very well in his favor and what am I stuck doing? Trying to steal a hat off my own damn head. This is not going so well for me this year. I think I honestly miss The Murph and Shaggy messing everything up instead. My plan was simple. I am going to try to find a costume and create an interaction with myself. The only thing was, the only costume that I could actually find was a Wedding dress. Screw it! No one is going to remember this anyway…”I will remember it, fruit booty!” Specialist Orden says as he is laughing at my idea. “You have some killer legs there hunny!” Specialist Orden says to me. I have realized that I do not take sarcasm very well while dressed up as a bride. How am I going to get closer to myself to be the next question.
“The defense would like to call Chris Knight to the stand” The Easter Bunny says and the crowd goes mild. No one knows who he is but Santa. I am not sure why he is called to be part of this but hey, The Easter Bunny is the Robert Shapiro of the North Pole. “Mr. Knight, were you part of the Christmas mission from two years ago?” The Bunny asks. “I was, does this have anything to do with cookies? I was told there will be cookies and damn it, I want cookies.” Chris says. I am worried about that man’s health sometimes. I swear it is either cookies or Twinkies but I have a feeling that the Easter Bunny is using that to his advantage about having him on the stand. “Mr. Knight, who caused the kidnapping?” Chris was trying to get out the name Santa first but as soon as he said Santa with a mouth full of cookies, it caused the Easter Bunny to point fingers again. “Santa kidnapped himself and many others to just fulfill a simple wish of someone who was not even sick. That is grounds for the worst possible offense, Santa needs to be forced to work in the Magic Mines.”
I thought just walking up to myself would be the best idea possible. It can’t hurt. Who is going to not stop and stare at a man in a wedding dress? I can see myself heading up the stairs to confront Santa’s Head Elf when I just take off running to catch me. This is how Julia Roberts felt in Runaway Bride. The lower half of my body has never felt this free. Chance, Justin and myself, stop on the stairs to watch me run towards them. They have the deer in the headlights look. I walk right up to my past self. I am looking at me, I have a feeling the past me is wanting to have sex with the future me. I am kind of wondering if that is just masturbation or not? I grab the hat right off my head and just take off running down the stairs. “I HAVE THE BLOODY HAT!!!!” Specialist Orden, types in new coordinates into his teleportation device. I take off the wedding dress and we hear a single gunshot ring through the theater bringing everything to a silence. Poof. We are gone.
We end up back in my home town. A press conference is being held in front of my home I have been gone for more than 24 hours and I can see that my wife has filed a missing persons report. “If anyone has seen my husband, I would like for him to be found safely. We would like for him to be home for the holidays with his family. Please find him someone. He is the love of my life, and I am not sure what I would do without him there.” The picture starts to fade away. I can see people forgetting why they are there. The version of me that made it to the present was shot and killed. Why am I having to see this? She doesn’t even know I exist anymore but my mind still remembers. She just walks back inside, with a smile on her face. She doesn’t even remember that just a day ago she had a husband. Specialist Orden, types in the coordinates on his teleportation device and White Light, Blind, We are gone in a flash.
We are in a very familiar place. This is a walking trail, the night of Christmas Eve. “I know where we are Specialist Orden. This is the night it all began. This is the night that I was walking home from the parade and Santa dropped the letter for me to meet him.”
“You are correct.” The reason I brought you here next is to save yourself. You can never meet Santa. If you do, Christmas will be gone forever.”
I look at him puzzled and then anger takes over my spirit. My mind starts to take off running and thinking. I start to walk away just to calm down. “Excuse me? Where do you think you are going? There are going to be millions of kids that will never experience Christmas is you just walk away.” He says with an anger underlying his voice.
I stop in my tracks and turn around and look at Specialist Orden.
“I understand that Santa has to be saved. I understand that Christmas has to be saved but you know what I do not understand? Why in the Hell did I have to give up something that meant the entire world to me? You realize that my whole life I have dreamed of finding a woman that can put up with the bullshit that I do. Do you realize how hard that has been with everything that I am dealing with emotional and physical? I finally find the woman of my dreams and because of my selfishness and willingness to make sure that Christmas is great for others, I have to give it up. I have no idea why in the hell you wanted to show me the moment that she forgot who I am because even after all of this, I will not forget her. I will not forget the way my heart felt for her. I will never forget her touch or her smile. Now, you are asking me to stop all of this from ever happening? I wouldn’t be the person I am today if it was not for the past four years. Christmas has been special and something that I held close to I but give it all up. Give up meeting friends, give up the life that I have made. You sir, can burn in hell. I am tired of watching everyone forget who I am, but I can remember them vividly. I would rather take my own life, so I do not have to remember anything at all. As soon as I do this, I will make sure I never exist to ruin anyone’s precious Christmas again.”
Snow begins to fall and a letter starts to descend from the sky…………
“Dearly beloved. We are gathered here today not to mourn the loss of a life but to celebrate it instead.”
Specialist Orden and I just had a very difficult argument. I am not sure if anything is truly worth this. I know that missing someone is difficult but missing someone that will never be part of my life again. I will never see my friends once this is done. I will never see my family once this is done. Why am I even trying to make this even happen anyway? I have given up so much already.
“I can see a figure walking towards us. By the time I have on my watch the person walking up the trail is you. This is it. It is now or never.” Specialist Orden says to me. I am not sure how I am going to do this. How do I just take a letter from Santa that is addressed to a very depressed me. I wish for that one moment in time, the memory eraser thing from Men in Black was a real item. I could just flash myself and hope for the best. Wait a damn second? The first time I confused the hell out of myself I was wearing a Wedding dress and that was two years in the future from now. I know how I will never read that letter. I am going to run out naked, grab the letter, and that will be the end of it all. If I am going out in a weird way, I might as well do it in the same way that I was able to come in. Nude.
Judge Thicke has now heard testimony from each person from every story that has happened and every character that has any association with the holiday Christmas. Judge Thicke was about to ask for closing arguments when the Easter Bunny had a different idea. “Judge Thicke. I am about to blow this case wide open. I am about to prove the guilt of Kris Kringle or I will never eat another Cadbury Egg again.” The audience sitting in complete silence for a while perked up as if this was the final 2 minutes of a football game. They began to cheer. These are some sick literary bastards. “The prosecution would like to call Jolly Ole Saint Nick to the stand.” The audience had to gasp as if their sign told them to do so. I feel if the sign had said to twerk that it would have happened as well. Santa Claus gets up and takes the stand. The courtroom is a complete hush as he is walking over to the stand.
“Santa, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?” Santa strokes his long white beard and delivers a very unsure, “I do.” Santa can feel the rumble of cookies and milk in his stomach. He knows that if anyone can set him free, it can be himself. Little did he know that four years in the past, someone was trying to save him!
“It is so cold out here tonight!! Are you sure the boys can handle it? Looks like they have migrated south for the winter.” Specialist Orden makes a joke while laughing.
“Aren’t you funny? I do not see you coming up with any other bright ideas, Captain Crunch. Why don’t you just stand here and see how someone can get a job done. I am hoping that once this over, I will be done with you and I can end all this pain that I am causing myself.” I take off running at the exact moment I was going to catch the letter. I can see four year ago self-become very scared that a grown naked man that looks just like him is coming at him at full speed. In a moment that I never thought would ever happen. I took off running around in a circle screaming like an idiot. I have never seen someone so scared in my life. I feel that this is what rock bottom must feel like. I am chasing myself naked in hope to catch a letter from a man who could wind up on To Catch A Predator. Merry Christmas.
“Santa, tell us something. If you see them when you are sleeping, and they know when they are awake, the question I am proposing, have you ever seen a child naked?”
Santa has sweat running down his chubby face. This is a question that if he answers wrong could doom his entire life. Santa leans forward and says, “No. I have not.”
“Is that the truth St. Nick?” The Easter Bunny Asks in a very stern voice. Santa couldn’t say a word. It was if he was frozen in a second of time that he may never be able to escape. The Bunny gets this grin that was much shit eating. He walked back over to the table. “No further questions your honor.”
“Santa you may step down.” Judge Thicke says. He then turns to the jury, right as he opens his mouth, “I have one more star witness your honor.” The bunny claims excitingly. “This is your last witness and this case will be left to the jury afterwards.”
The Easter Bunny stands up puts his thumbs in his vest. “Your honor. Members of the jury, the last witness I have to call up to the stand is one that was not on any list. He is a man that has been murdered in ways that no person ever should. I want you all to know that he is not dead. He is alive and about to walk into this courtroom. I call……… Jack Skellington, The Pumpkin King!” The doors to the courtroom come busting wide open and in walks Jack. The audience begins to chatter amongst themselves. They are in disbelief as to what is happening.
My naked ass chased myself off. The letter is just about to hit the ground when I grab it and as soon as I do, I race to put my clothes right back on. It is colder than a blind man’s tit out here. I look at Specialist Orden, “As soon as I do this, it is all done. No more having to stress if happiness will ever be in my life again. I may never get to see anyone again but I know I have done the right thing for the planet but not for myself. Once I burn this letter, I am done. I do not want to remember any of this. I am not going to be left with the pain of erasing the last four years of life. I have always dreamed of having a family and it is gone. I was just getting to know new friends and that have been taken from me. What do I have left, Specialist? I have my health, which is a damn joke. My life has no meaning. I have lost the stories that save Christmas. They do not even exist now. This letter burns and so does the life that I have made. The life that I have tried so hard to build back up after the losing it all. I thought it was close to being saved but instead just like the letter it is going to go up in flames.”
I pull the lighter out of my pocket. I begin to light it. I forgot to turn down the flame. Maybe I shouldn’t have borrowed this from a drug dealer. I put the letter in the flame and watch as it starts to burn. A weird light began to go across the night sky. I couldn’t believe my eyes. The things that I knew and love started to disappear around me. The past me running around in circles was gone in a flash of light. At that moment, history began to erase itself. All the stories of the North Pole have just become that. A story that sounds like someone made up to say to people. The friends that I have grown to love over the years have now just become a distant memory in the rear view mirror. All the antics of going through all the worlds of Christmas movies and specials, just a dream and finally the love that was felt turned to ash and lying on the ground. The one thing that I can take from all of this is that I was able to give Christmas to every boy and girl across the world. I turned around to Specialist Orden and he was gone. I have never been as confused as to what is going on. Why would he just disappear like that? I just take off walking down the trail to my old house. I knew it was going to be empty but hey, I needed to go somewhere because it was Christmas Eve. I looked up to see Santa fly over my head delivering gifts to all the good boys and girls. I knew what I had done tonight was right for the world. All that was left was to exorcise the demons that have been consuming my heart and soul for a while.
I get to my old house. The house is abandoned. I was able to take the key from the past self that I was able to scare while being naked. I am still not sure if that is something to be proud of but why not. I open the door and find a huge surprise. There is a Christmas tree sitting in the living room. It is decorated the same as the one from the future. Under the tree are the other two gifts. The second gift started to glow. I picked it up and read what was on the card. “Open at this moment and all will be explained.” I thought to myself why the hell not. There isn’t anything that could I lose. I have already lost so much. I remove the lid and a giant white poof of light happens. I am sick of this. I really wish they would warn a brother when this is going to happen. I am starting to think they want me to die of radiation poisoning.
I teleport to a room that I have never seen before. Inside this room was the sleigh with the flux capacitor that took us through all the Christmas stories in the last two years. Sitting across the room is the TARDIS from Doctor Who. I may be really confused but turning into a fangirl for a slit second completely worth it. I turn around and there is Specialist Orden. “Why did you leave me back there?”
“I knew that you have been really depressed for the past couple of months. I knew that 2013 has had its ups and its downs. Life has not been easy but that gives no right to think that people’s life would be better without you. I am not really part of Santa’s Secret Service. I am actually a guardian angel who watches over you and a couple of others. I have been tired of seeing the pain that has been in your eyes, and just knowing that the thought of taking your own life was not worth it. I wanted to save you by showing you what would happen if you had not been here.”
My eyes begin to swell. “I know that this cannot be easy to hear but how is putting Santa on trial and possibly losing Christmas for all making life any better? Maybe I am cynical here but everyone seemed happier with me not in the picture.”
Specialist Orden just kind of laughed under his breath. “It was all made up to see what you would do. Take a look at the giant monitors and really see what was going on Earth.”
I look at the screen and the image that is shown is something that absolutely took my breath away.
“The press conference that you were able to see people forget why they were there, I altered what really happened. I hid from you the fact that people have searched for days to see if they could find you. But you had to do the most selfish thing that a man can do. Put everyone in a state of panic because you were not happy. They never did find what you were going to do. I just want you to know that everyone and that is including all your friends from the North Pole were there to search for you. You are special to all of us and we needed to show you that somehow. That is where Santa came in. He turned himself in and created the charges against himself to see if you would save him one more time. I think he made the right decision, well, it’s not over yet. I know you will save him. So here is your second chance in life. Are you sure that you want to give it all up to see everyone’s heartache? All those people forgetting who you were exactly what would happen if you were to end it all.”
“Can you send me home?” I asked hoping that I could see my wife. I feel that I have been not me lately and Specialist pointed that out to me. I think I needed to hear that. Specialist Orden, shook his head yes and in a poof, I was right back in my home on the exact day that I disappeared. I am hoping that this is a second chance to make life better. The fountain of tears starts flowing out of my eyes like a faucet. I ran straight into where my wife was wrapping gifts and didn’t even care what or who the gift was since I was going to hug her and never let her go. That is exactly what I did, until she told me to make her a sandwich. I don’t think it has ever felt so good to be home.
Christmas is a very special time of the year where we all can be happy and spend time with the ones we love. I almost gave that all up this year because of loss but I would cause the same burden that others are going through. Love is the best gift you can truly get someone. I want you take this time to say Merry Christmas to the ones you love because in a heartbeat they could be gone. Try to live each day as it could be your last Christmas. You never know whose life you could touch. I bet you are wondering what that final present was? It was the gift of life. The memories, the happiness, the ups, and the downs, will always get to be felt.
Oh, the funeral. I completely forgot all about that. You see while we were in that room with the sleigh and The TARDIS, specialist Orden reminded that I needed to prove to Santa that I was not going to do the worse. Each year I took the sleigh, I want to take the TARDIS. I am sorry but you would take it too wouldn’t you?
The noise of the TARDIS starts to bellow through the courtroom. The noise brings everyone to attention. Characters knew something was up. Good old Jack Skellington, was being his typical ass of a self.
“What’s This? There is magic in the air! What’s This? Santa’s going to Jail!!!”
At that moment the TARDIS landed on Jack Skellington killing him instantly for the third year in a row. You would think someone would take life insurance out on this guy. I open the doors of the TARDIS, of course wearing a Fez, “Santa baby and this is how the second story fits into all of this”
Santa got up and walked over to me. “You are always welcome at the North Pole.” Santa says while giving me a very uncomfortably long man hug. It was really creepy.
“I am pissed. Jack owed me some money after betting on the finale of The Voice.” Alan Thicke said.
“Alan, when in times of trouble I always think WWATD? What Would Alan Thicke Do and he would say…” as I said setting up the best moment of Christmas.
Alan Thicke Stands up and shouts at the top of his lungs, “SHOW ME THAT SMILE AGAIN!!!!!”
The whole courtroom instead of singing a heartfelt Christmas classic, we sang the theme to Growing Pains.
Everyone lived Happily Ever After. Ladies and Gentleman, The end?