SwanLuv………. WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!!?!?!
So the plan tonight was to post the next induction into the Hall of Hotties and Hunks tonight. However, something was brought to my attention tonight and thought the Halls induction would have to wait one more day as something has made me want to stick my dick in a toaster. And that something is the company is called SwanLuv.
As every horror movie starts out, there has to be an origins story. Late last year a story emerged onto the World Wide Web where everything wrote about is 100% true… Please hint the sarcasm, because this will make more sense in a little bit. A story about a company called Swan Luv was taking over newfeeds across the country. A small company in Washington, the state because fucking DC would make way to much sense in this case. The company made a promise, well up to 10,000 promises to help couples achieve their dream wedding. The company promised that it would pay 10,000 to couples that get married with one catch. If the couple would get divorced, the couple would have to pay the money back to the company with interest. Do not believe me? Here is word for word from the Washington Post…
A new startup in Seattle will fund your wedding. Up to $10,000. Even the nacho cheese fondue fountain. The catch: If your union crumbles, at six months or 25 years, you must pay them back — with interest.
Swanluv will review your relationship and set an interest rate based on your compatibility. Co-founder Scott Avy won’t reveal the couple-selection criteria or the interest range. He said simply that the number “won’t be too crazy.”
The site was supposed to launch yesterday but (Cough) crashed (Bullshit) due to excessive numbers of people trying to get to the site. Well, any start up with the publicity of SwanLuv, who doesn’t expect that kind of response. They are promising the dream of women being able to become a Disney Princess for their big day. But…..In the spirit of Disney villains, they decided give every princess a poison apple full of lies and deceit. The company decided to overnight change their platform from giving away 10,000 to couples so they can have their big day, to making it a crowd funding site so people could donate the money, and if the divorce happens, the couple will have to pay Swan Luv the money.
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am calling the biggest level of bullshit in the history of mankind well since something pissed off people yesterday. The entire time this company promised the dream wedding to couples across the country. I am not sure if Scott Avy (The Ass Pirate Behind SwanLuv) thought this one through all the way. I am not sure that I would want thousands of bridezillas wanting my head served with a fava beans and a nice wine. SwanLuv just became the internet equivalent of breaking up with someone on Valentine’s Day so they do not have to buy a gift. I had no idea this company was ran by a Barney Stinson wannabe. It is a shame that he looks more like an Anorexic Yakov Smirnoff.
And while I am at it, let me attack the whole crowd funding thing. I could use any crowd funding site, most notably Go Fund Me and not have to pay anyone back if the worse were to happen in my relationship. If I wanted to pay someone back with a ton of regret, I would just ask my family to pay for the wedding out right.
Companies like SwanLuv and people like Scott Avy makes me understand that scene in the Princess Bride where they use the torture device to pull years out of Wesley’s Life or possibly the devices in Saw. Actually, let’s just go with Saw. I believe that sounds more apropos.