It’s election time people, and boy oh boy are things getting heated in the polls. I decided to do my duty as an American and write an article where I do countless hours of research matching sex toys to the current Presidential candidates. ‘Merica!

1.      Marco Rubio

RubioDildoMarco Rubio is the youngest off all candidates this time around, hailing from Miami Florida. This former attorney is a husband and father of four who once had dreams of becoming a football player. Sure, he’s against gay marriage, isn’t too keen on abortion rights and wants to get rid of affordable health care for America, but did you also know he’s Cuban! And what do Cubans love more than anything? That’s right, cigars! Which is why the cigar shaped Jimmy Jane Little Platinum Vibrator is the perfect match for this U.S. Senator who once received a sword named Chang from his political role model, Jeb Bush.

2.      Ted Cruz

CruzbuttRafael Edward “Ted” Cruz is a Harvard Law School graduate with a dual Canadian-American citizenship who not only looks shockingly similar to Grandpa from The Munsters, but is a real hot item according to those whacky tea-partiers! In addition, he wants to rid this country of the IRS, refers to the Roe V. Wade decision as “the dark anniversary”, and, despite coming from Cuban immigrants himself, wants to stop the possibility of any undocumented residents ever getting their green cards, Ted “Teddy Bear” Cruz is a Born Again Christian! For those of you who like to make yourself see God, and then immediately apologize to him for sinning, the folks of Divine-Interventions have the right toys for you. With offerings like the Baby Jesus Butt Plug and the Virgin Mary dildo, you’re definitely going to have a lot of ‘splaining to do to the big guy upstairs!

3.      Ben Carson

41cZQeZzkxLBen Carson is a former neuro-surgeon from Detroit Michigan turned Republican candidate whose fame began when he was part of the medical team that attempted to separate conjoined twins in 1987. Though the surgery didn’t turn out as planned, Ben’s star only continued to rise, even landing him in Hollywood, making cameo appearances on the silver screen in movies like “Stuck On You” by the Farrelly Brothers. Ben believes that marijuana is a gateway drug, thinks there are way too many lawyers in politics and that anyone should be able to get a gun whenever they want! However, this husband to Candy and dad of three loves to let his hair down every now and then by playing a mean game of pool. So the next time you’re taking a private moment on the felt (don’t scratch it, it’s expensive to replace!) chalk your stick with the Zolo Pocket Pool Rack Em Male Masturbator and aim for that deep corner pocket.

4.      John Kasich

John Kasich DildoVeteran House Representative and Fox News Correspondent, John Kasich started out his political life as a frat boy who wrote a letter so compelling that former president Nixon couldn’t help but grant him a face-to-face meeting. And even though he DID attend a gay wedding once and didn’t barf all over himself, and thinks people like Rosa Parks are pretty great, he also thinks the death penalty totes goes along with God’s idea of values and if you can sign your name all by yourself, then you can own a gun! What you might not know, however, is that this guy loves to cut loose with a bucketful of some hot wings and a generic sports game on the tube with other male friends. If an evening screaming and sweating profusely in front of a television wrought with athletic men while covered in hot sauce sounds like your idea of a good time, may I recommend indie-gogo funded “The Handie”? It’s described as an “all in one finishing tool”. It kinda looks like a catchers mitt, so you know, it’s sport-ish!

5.      Donald Trump

il_570xN.799697601_n7ijMulti billionaire, native New Yorker, real estate developer, Ivanka marrying, purse-lipped, hay headed, extremely controversial, Donald Trump just may be the most entertaining candidate in history. Here is a guy who knows how to work a crowd! Trump may come off as a loud-mouthed buffoon, but some suspect he knows what he’s doing with this politically incorrect slurs and bullying tactics. While he’s pretty racist and fairly sexist, he thinks marijuana is fine most of the time and wants to make a significant tax cut across the board. This guy is a puzzle wrapped in a conundrum, coated in a deep base tan. The only thing that Donald likes more than money, insulting Rosie O’Donnell and creeping us out by saying he’d date his own daughter if he could, is more Donald. I bet if he could he would stick his head up his own ass! Well, now he can with the Donald Trump Buttplug from Amznfx on Etsy.

6.      Bernie Sanders

WhipVermont senator Bernie Sanders is the 74 years old Liberal who’s passion for women’s rights and fair wages is only more effective when he yells at us in his adorable Brooklyn accent. When he does, we as a country sigh a collective “awwwww!” and microwave a cup of chamomile. He’s a hit across the board with millennials, the LGBT community, and even Trump seems to like him a little by calling him a “maniac”, which coming from his mouth is almost like a marriage proposal! If this former hippie makes it to the White House, those delegates better get that patchouli oil warmed, the whole place smudged and hang up a couple of sweet tapestries over those stuffy old paintings. Luckily, my Birkenstocked friends, I found the Standard Recycled Rubber Whip by Earth Erotics. It’s kind to the environment, but hard on your cheeks. Not to mention how heart breaking it is to go to the beach and see those poor seagulls choking all those un-recycled rubber whips!

7.      Hillary Clinton

hillHillary Clinton is a US Senator, a former attorney out of Yale Law, fighter for education, equality, mother, grandmother and, oh yeah, former first lady to her husband, Bill. Though to some she comes off as stiff or robotic when interacting with the public or during speeches, she is unequivocally the most experienced candidate we have, and it’s pretty badass that we’re talking about a woman here. In addition to getting the all time greatest accolade from Madeline Albright, with “there’s a special place in hell for women who don’t support each other”, Clinton is known for her work ethic and tireless efforts to make change. This is a person who has very little time to spare, which is why the Astrea Vibrating Thong from Holistic Wisdom is the perfect choice. It’s discreet, stylish and has a remote control, creating jobs as the “button pusher” in the American workforce for political aids everywhere.