As many of you are aware by checking out our fine website, the past couple of weekends, we were able to attend two of the most amazing conventions in the country. We covered the events of the weekend of Fan Expo Dallas, as well as River City Comic Expo in Little Rock. So I wanted to take this time to share a couple of stories with you that happened the past two weekends that you may not necessarily hear about when at these events.
It may have happened a couple of weeks ago, I guess the old adage of better than late than never truly applies in this case. First off let me start off by saying, DAMN YOU Cricket. Yes, I decided against signing with one of the major phone companies, mostly because I want to save money. Plus, the only contract I want to be locked into where I am going to get boned hard is marriage. So as we are discussing places to eat in Dallas, which one included the Velvet Taco. Look, the food may possibly be the greatest in all of the country. It may even be the best on the planet, but I can get past the name. It sounds like something you would pay $50 dollars for in a back alley with a woman named Russell. Or it could be a name of a strip club that would serve Red Velvet Cake while you are getting a lap dance from a woman with world’s longest C-section scar. But I digress from the story, as we are coming into the Dallas area, my phone happens to be the GPS unit that we are using. We are crossing the bridge into the area when all of a sudden I went from More Bars in more places, to no bars in all places. The Cricket network for some reason went down. This catastrophe left me without any sort of communication, leaving me to do something that has not been seen since 2004, actually have conversations with people. As I embarked into my journey of living in the Stone Age or 1996, depending on how you look at it, I realized something. I missed the days of where phones had cords. I know. And let me add it needs to be a rotary phone. None of this new conflabbed touch tone phones that I used to use calling the WCW hotline to find out what Mean Gene had to say on Saturday night. Do you know how difficult it is to go without using your phone when it does not have service? And the service did not come back till the next day, again leaving me to have to converse with people. And you can only talk so much as to why the Thing has a bigger penis than The Hulk.
So once the dark ages came to an end on Saturday morning, we attended our first day of Fan Expo Dallas. Which was an amazing day to say the least. Fun, Root Beet, Comics, and half naked Poison Ivies, what more does a man truly need in his life? Well, the answer to that would be going back to the dark ages once again. No I don’t meant lack of cell service. Actually my phone made it through the day the only issue I ran into was the constant amount of butt dials I kept making to people. I even called someone 154 times. At the moment the thought process had to go from Best Friend to restraining order. No, we decided partake in a tournament of jousting and nights while all eating with our fingers at Medieval Times in Dallas. Let me start with the story before we left the hotel, as my better half was looking at all that goes on at the Dinner and Show, she proceeds to look right at me and say, “Richard, if there are no knives and forks, I am not going to talk to you the rest of the weekend.” Part of me was a little sad, but then the other part of me was thinking, why didn’t this happen when I had no service on my phone. Right as I hit the order for the tickets for evening of Huzzahing. I hear from the bed, “FUCKKKKKKKKK! Richard, you have to eat with your hands.” Pissed is putting it mildly at this point, she is throwing a tantrum. She is stomping around the room and throwing clothes everywhere, the only thing missing would have been her turning green and smashing things left and right. So that may have not been how it went, but that is how I am telling myself how it went down. So we are off to the castle, and at this point I have turned into a child at Disney World (or My Fiancée at Disney World) either way I have a smile on face that would not go away at all. Inside I find myself at awe of the wonder that is all around me, and thinking Fuck you Dixie Stampede. We upgrade our tickets to VIP status, and for some reason I thought I was walking the red carpet at a movie premiere. Which makes no sense in the grand scheme of things, but damn it, I felt cool. A girl can dream, Right? So, back to feeling like royalty. For most of the evening, I was walking around yelling KIINNNGGGGGG in honor of one of my favorite Youtube personalities from the website Whatculture. I had plenty of weird looks for yelling that every twenty four seconds. The other thing that got me tingling in the nether regions is that all the servers called me Lord. I understand characters, but I have to applaud also the notion of stroking my ego in ways that I am not able to do in my alone time. The show was great, the food was great, and the experience was great. Seriously, a giant Huzzah to the good people of Medieval Times in Dallas.
If you ever wanted to know the feeling what it is like to be packed in a can of sardines, then buy three mystery boxes, light sabers, prints, and luggage, and you too can have the wonder feeling of a pair of testicles in a pair of tighty whities. The trip home was relaxing, and a belly full of pancakes can never go wrong.
Now, we move on to Little Rock and the ride home. I am in the car with the angels, (if you listen to the podcast, you know all about these three ladies.) We are on the way home from River City, and a conversation about cosplay has begun. I can be a very persuasive person, hell, last year in Dallas I convinced someone that George Clooney was the best Batman while they were dressed as the Keeton version. If that alone does not allow someone to start a cult, I am not sure what would constitute as such. Now, I am a fan of the show My Little Pony. And while you are giggling to yourself, I am proud to be a Brony. The idea I was wanting was to Cosplay as the upstanding citizens of Ponyville. Sharon would be Rarity or Twilight Sparkle, just because she has a pretty purple wig, and trust me that is enough to justify that decision. Ashlee, would be Fluttershy, because well……watch what happens when she gets angry. Not being able to use silverware. I, of course, would be Pinkie Pie. And then it comes down to my future mother in law. I proposed Apple Jack, who is a fine character. But she has a problem with the color orange. So the question was proposed who else she could be. I could have answered, Rainbow Dash, or the pony not chosen by Sharon. I could have even answered Princess Celestia. Those would have been great answers, maybe even answers that would have been on the board on Family Feud. However, without thinking, the first pony that comes to mind is Derpy Hooves. Yep. The cross-eyed loveable pony that the internet has fallen in love with. It’s not all bad, she is the companion of Doctor Whooves. So I thought I had that going for me, which was until Sharon explained what Derpy meant. And I quote “Derpy things are bad! My kids told me so.” It was in that moment I realized that I called the mother of my other half Depry, and that the only way I am going to make it up to her, is that I buy something expensive. There went my dream of owning a Roomba.
As you can see, conventions bring the best stories. So the next time you hear of a convention being in your area check it out. Also, moral of the story, Don’t ever call your future mother-in-law Derpy!