Dear Mr. Trump,

donald-trump-ef5b70ca-0090-47ba-91f9-de687022aa34I, like every other human woman on the planet, think you’re pretty disgusting, and with this week’s leaked tape of you bragging to Billy Bush about how you’re so famous that you can just grab women by their pussies, and they’re totes okay with this, have only furthered our feelings of utter disgust.

However, I’m grappling with the whole “grabbing” a pussy thing. Not only because it’s abhorrent and pathetic, but because I’m having trouble wrapping my head around the mechanics of it.

You see, Mr. Trump, vagina’s, pardon me, pussies, are pretty hard to grab. They’re innies, not outies. You have an outie, sir, which is a lot easier to grab, but in order to “grab a pussy” I imagine you’d have some challenges. I’ve been really thinking about this, making diagrams and conducted a series of experiments on this subject, and here are my findings.

In order to really “grab” a pussy one must not only possess limber and dexterous fingers, but also a specific angle and perfected grip style. If you’re coming at the pussy like it’s an upside down bowling ball as your grab technique, that would require a kind of swiftness that is not only awkward but you also risk a wrist injury. If, say the person attached to the pussy decides that she’s not in the mood to have her pussy grabbed at that very moment, turns suddenly and traps your hand, you put yourself at risk of wrenching and bending your fingers into such a state you may never be able to sign your name to a tax document claiming you lost almost a billion dollars comfortably again!

bleachers_0640Perhaps you meant that you grabbed from down below, the old “pervert hiding under the bleachers” move. Yet somehow that doesn’t really gel with “The Donald” personality we’ve all come to know and loathe. You would never put yourself in a position to not be seen, so hiding under something with the sole intent to “grab a pussy” would imply that you purposely removed yourself from the view of the public, and that’s nuts!

Maybe you move in with the “crab claw” hand and quickly clamp and pinch that pussy upon initial greeting. However, you’re right handed, and a business man, so I imagine you shake the pussy’s owners hand while you’re going in for the grab. Grabbing a pussy with your non dominant hand could possibly come off as a mistake, and not the full forced pussy grab that you originally intended and deserve!

Gosh, Donald, I’m sorry to tell you this but it seems like my findings only reveal one possible conclusion: you have no idea what an actually pussy is.

I’d like to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that what you have actually grabbed was another part of the female body, like an elbow or knee. Or perhaps you clamped onto an excess of fabric from a parka or long wool sweater vest and mistook it for a pussy. These are very grab-able things, Mr. Trump, but a pussy…not so much.

taft-2Look, we get it. How are we ever going to take you seriously as the Commander in Chief if you haven’t grabbed a pussy or two? We need a leader who isn’t afraid to grab a pussy by the horns and lead this nation into being great again! You’ve thought to yourself, “I bet Taft would grab a pussy! Reagan must have grabbed a bunch!” Who says you didn’t prepare to be President!

So how about this; go on a knowledge quest! Hit up your local library, attend a seminar, or simply ask your wife about her pussy! I’m sure she’d be happy to take a picture and explain to you what you’re seeing! And while you’re going on this learning journey, maybe read up on foreign policy, basic laws and how currency works. Also google Hillary Clinton so you can see what a leader actually does. For funsies!!

In conclusion Mr. Trump, it’s totally okay if you’ve never actually grabbed a pussy! That was a silly thing to say, wasn’t it? Yeah, it was. Billy Bush will still think you’re cool even if you’ve never even lightly grazed a single solitary pussy! I look forward to hearing more of your crazy old man rants, and to watching you dig your own grave again very soon!

Warmest regards,

Amy Albert Cobb

Pussy Owner

About the author

Amy Albert

Amy Albert recently moved to LA from NYC. She's been a comedian for about 12 years and has toured the US and the UK with her one woman show, Delilah Dix-America's Showgirl. She started out at UCB in New York but made her home at The PIT where she was on a house improv team, a long form musical improv team, and taught improv and characters. Assistance the Series has been featured in festivals and screenings across the country, and Amy is super, duper proud of it! In addition, she wrote The Secret Life of Otters, a web series about a couple of comedians that move to LA from NYC and are super awkward and end up insulting everyone all the time. Like two Larry David’s but one isn't Jewish and both aren't bald. She currently performs with iO West's Headliner Sketch team, The Mutiny, runs a character show every month at The Clubhouse, and has a super sweet 15 pound Yorkie named Dave, who she feeds off the table literally every meal and feels almost no guilt about it. She wrote this herself in the 3rd person and expects your judgment about that. www.laughatamy.com