Dear Santa,

First off, let me say that I love fat, hairy men. If you and the Mrs. ever split, holler at ya girl. So let’s get down to business now that the most important things has been said. I really did try this year but there are too many idiots running around that deserve coal and not nice, overpriced sweaters.

My wants are really pretty simple this year. I would like an unlimited supply of wine. I’m not too picky. It just needs to be sweet like me, please. I promise that I have been good and I really NEED…I mean deserve it.

Also, I would like 365 pairs of fuzzy, warm socks. Fuzzy socks make my soul happy and everyone loves a happy Nicole.

Next, I would like a pet pony named Charlie and I’m not picky on the color.

I’d also like my bills to stop showing up in my mailbox, if you could make that happen. Thanks!

I would like you to convince my boss that naps are necessary every day and twice on Mondays.

I really do need (yes – it is a need), Santa, a chef that makes me pancakes every morning and brings them to me in bed. The chef also could tell me that I was pretty, if I can just throw that in. The chef cannot judge me for eating 9 pancakes in one sitting.

I also want world peace and for everyone to get along.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Years, you filthy animals.