(Note from Richard: This is the story from 2011 with maybe the best title ever. A lot happens in this story that will make you scratch your head. I take pride in being weird. It’s a gift.)
Wow, I can’t believe it has been almost a year since I rescued Santa Claus from the evil clutches of the Murph and Shaggy. Kind of crazy to sit down and think about it. There has been so much that has happened. I really hope you don’t mind me telling the story. If you do, I am offering cookies and milk after reading part 3. Let me start off as to what started the whole story last year. My health. What a difference a year makes. I don’t throw up blood anymore. That excites me in places that hasn’t been exciting in a very long time. However, I still blackout on regular occasion. I wish I could help that but alas, I cannot. It could be worse though. I could have had a gay sexual relationship with one Mr. Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake. I do feel better than I did though. That itself is a Christmas miracle from last year.
If you remember the story from last year. I had it bad for one of Santa’s elves. I really should use the term elf. She was the Elf. Well, that went from North Pole to South Pole very quickly. She and I had a decent relationship for a little while. It was kind of hard to see her though. She lived at the North Pole and I lived in small town Arkansas. I think somewhere I read that Long distance relationships do not work. Well, whoever wrote that was hitting the nail right on the damn head. We would see each other each time we could. She would come see me and I would go see her. In hindsight going to see her was also a way that I got to hang with the big guy. More about that later. I fell hard for an elf. Which really isn’t hard to do. Have you seen the workforce Santa has? DAMN!!! One night out of the clear blue. She asked me if the feelings I had were true. I of course pulled out my best Chad Brock impression and I Said; “Yes.” And she said “WOW. I want you to prove it” I wasn’t going to let her down. I used our teleporter. I set the coordinates to be 20 miles away from Santa’s workshop. If I was going to do this, I am going to do it right. I walked 20 miles in the snow uphill both ways. The wind was whipping the ear buds right out of my ears. Yeah, it was tad bit nasty out there. I made it but not without the snow burn from hell. (A Snow burn is when the sun hits the snow just right and will turn you pink like a salmon.) I made it and not being able to feel my feet, my hands, and my ass has never been this cold. I am warm blooded this is nucking futs is what this is. I showed up at the doorstep to the workshop. She looked at me and I looked at her. In that one split moment, my life was changed for at least a week. Hello DUM DUM DUM, Friend Zone. EWWWWWW. I walked 20 miles in the freezing cold only to be told that she was going to go back to one of the Easter Bunny’s helpers. I should throw in this side note. If you didn’t know the Easter Bunny is, how do I put this, a homosexual? He only has men working for him for his holiday rush. Try to think of it this way, it’s like a Village People Concert but with more mustaches and ass less chaps. She broke my heart my heart on the door steps to Santa’s workshop. My heart was broken. The only thing I could do was get the fuck away. Move as far as I possibly could. The farther away the better. I decided to move 30 miles from where I was now. No one will find me!!! Cue my evil Laugh Bwahahahahahahaha.
I tell you that to get to the present. I have been dating a girl for a little bit now. She has flipped my life around. I really hope she doesn’t flip me like a house though. I don’t want to be sold for money. I did that once and that was enough. She is the kind of girl that will make you smile at the worst appropriate time. I have to say I love that. We are into the same things and not at the same time. I don’t really know if that makes much sense to you or not. It really doesn’t to me either but it sounded good.
One night we are lying in bed getting our cuddle on while watching a movie who starred this one guy who was in that other move and things went boom. We were watching What Women Want. The mood kind of just strikes us right. I look into her eyes, she looks into mine. We both wanted some Wal-Mart pizza. Hell to the yeah. The take and bake pizzas from Wally world are the bomb diggidy yo. It looks like a trip to the most depressing place in world is in order. The gas station. Gas prices are expensive, just saying. After filling up the Golden Chevy Beast, I still can’t believe that a girl that sexy drives a pick up. I will never understand the country girl thing, will I? I am guessing that answer is a big fat no. We get to Wal-Mart. Alex just looked me. “Do you feel something weird is about ready to happen?” I replied. “Doesn’t that happen every time we go into a Wal-Mart at 2 in the morning? I really hope those Elmo Footsie PJs, don’t get you put on people of Walmart.” She smacked me like any self-conscious girl in a pair of footie pajamas would do. The weather outside was 60 degrees when we walked in. It was a very warm night to be only two days before Christmas. The target was spotted and we grabbed the 16 inch supreme pizza. I knew when I got home, I was going to get my pizza on, Damn it. I was a little wrong. Ok! More than a little, I was dead wrong.
We checked out. We picked up a couple of other things as well. We picked up some crackers and cookies. Have to have something for the sweet tooth, right? The two of us are heading out the door. There is laughing and joking from the both of us. This night is going to be fun, or at least that is what I had planned out in the back of my mind. The doors parted and we were greeted with a half inch of snow on the ground and a 14 degree temperature. I knew then that something weird was going to happen as she said it would it earlier. We get in the truck. She turns on the CD player blaring out some Miley Cyrus. That is my girl y’all.
We start heading back to the Solitude of Nerdom when all of a sudden a burst of white light comes out of nowhere. I thought it was the end of the world. I can’t count or tell time, it’s only 2011. It seemed like everything had slowed down to a snail’s pace. It was like Zack Morris said Time Out on Saved by the Bell. A White GMC Yukon Denali comes appearing out of nowhere. I haven’t even been smoking and after seeing that I am now thinking I have a problem. A&E will love to have me on that intervention show. I swear. What is going on here? That is all I could think. The Denali has stopped right in front of us. Alex has road rage. She started laying on the horn. Do you remember that episode of SpongeBob when Patrick and he were using the word enhancers? Every time they would say a bad word something else would happen so you wouldn’t actually know what they said. This is the same storyline. Just replace SpongeBob and Patrick with my lady and the car horn as the censorship. This is what was happening.
GET THE (CAR HORN) OUT OF THE WAY!!! YOU MOTHER (CAR HORN) (CAR HORN) PICKLE!!! I WILL COME OVER THERE (CAR HORN) YOU UP!!! WOULD YOU (CAR HORN) THAT PIECE OF (CAR HORN) (CAR HORN) (CAR HORN) (CAR HORN) (CAR HORN) AND (CAR HORN)!!!!!
That about sums it up right there. She gets out of the truck and she is pissed. Hell hath no fury like a southern woman with road rage. The driver’s side door was blocked by the truck so she couldn’t get to the driver. So she did the next the best thing she grabbed the passenger. She pulled the person out of the passenger seat and got in her face. The person begins to cry. Then she realized it was just an older couple. A doctor and his wife. They told they know some great ways she can help with her road rage. I am just worried to ride home with her. A second Denali comes screeching up to the passenger side of the truck. This is the original car that cut us off. The white light happens again. Everything freezes. I feel like I am having a small case of Deja Vu. I really hope this isn’t what I think it is.
The driver side door opens. A white fog comes out of the car. I am all excited, I am going to meet Snoop Dogg. I look back over to see Christine getting out of the car. I haven’t seen her since all that shit went down between us. She walks over to me. “I have been looking everywhere for you. There is an emergency up north and you are the only one who can help us.” I asked “What is going on?” She wouldn’t tell me. The only thing she said that “I need to assemble my team together quickly and get ready for a mission. A mission from God. That was over dramatic but I watched Blues Brothers last night on a girl’s night with some of the other elves.” I tell her “I am not leaving without Alex. You have to unfreeze her and now. I will warn you. She will be pissed.” Christine is reluctant at first but she unfreezes her. Now, a man’s worst nightmare is when the new girl and an old flame meet. This is not going to go well either way for him. Guess what, my balls are going to be viced in 5…4…3…2…1.
“Who the hell is this bitch and why is she wearing pointy shoes?” Alex says looking at Christine
“Who the hell am I? Who the hell do you think you are making fun of my shoes like that?” Christine replies
There is no place like home! There is no place like home!!! There is no place like home!!! Fuck! I am still here. Maybe, they will have a cat fight and pool full of pudding will magically fall from the sky. If I could only get that lucky.
“We need to get back to the North Pole. I need to debrief you and your team.” Christine says
“You will not be doing anything with my man’s briefs!” Says Alex as she does the black woman head bob and snap.
I am shaking my head. God, what I have done for you to make this happen. WHYYYYYYY?!?! A flash of light comes out of nowhere. At that moment I realized we should stop standing in the road before one of us becomes a human armadillo. We all pile in the White Denali and the giant burst of light happens again. You know after last year this blinding light thing is getting annoying as fuck.
We are back at the North Pole. We are in the room again with all the monitors that has feeds to all the kids from all over the world. I am just waiting for big boy elf to come and tell us what is happening. The door begins to open and it’s my team. Justin leads the pack, Danielle, the Anglo Fro, Jackson, Victoria, The Silent mute Cody, Brianna, Nick, and now my friend Anna, Matthew, Chris and Cary are there. The band is back together again but why?
Christine comes in the room. She says “I have brought your fighting force back together for a reason. I know there is only person that can save Christmas again.” They all looked as confused as a bisexual in an orgy.
3 Hours ago Santa went for a test drive of his sleigh to get ready for the big night with the boys and girls. He always takes one every year. Well, this year wasn’t going to be any different. I was watching him get in the sleigh through the window of the takeoff room. Santa is really super excited about this year. He knew it was going to special. All of a sudden, this giant van appears out of nowhere. It was the shape of the A-Team van but had the look that it would park within 100 yards of a school trying to hand out candy. Jerry Sandusky would have drove this van to Penn State. Out of a nowhere, The Murph jumps out of the passenger side and grabs Santa. Santa tries to free himself, but it’s very difficult to free yourself from the clutches of a drunk. Just ask my old neighbor. He throws him in the back of the van, and they take off. Before Ben could get here, we heard Shaggy yell DOOBIE DOOBIE GONE!!! And in a blink of an eye the van was just gone. We have found out through our sources that The Murph and Shaggy are taking him from Christmas Story to Story, Special to Special, Show to Show, Movie to Movie. The van is like a time traveling device but it travels through pop culture. Their mission is to deliver him to the person who hired them. We have no idea on who it is but with your help we will catch them and the bastard who is behind this and save Santa. The little boys and girls of the world are counting on you. You have 48 hours to complete this mission or Christmas will never be again.
“How did they break out of jail?” asked Victoria
“The Murph went through a detox program which as you can see worked about as well as one of those shake weights. Shaggy got released on good behavior. Stoners don’t really do anything at all. Just look at Kevin Smith” Christine replied.
Alex looks at me “I know that rescuing Santa is kind of a big deal but I do have a question that would shed some light on things. Who the fuck are The Murph and Shaggy?”
“It’s a long story but I will tell you this. The Murph is a drunk who say anything is possible with a Bud Light in his hand. Shaggy is a pot smoking hippie.” Danielle
Alex responds, “After this is over, I hope that Shaggy guy shares. I am going to need some.”
Jackson is standing in the corner pissed. He just looks at us and says “What a dumb fuck! How many times can you be kidnapped? This is getting as bad as the princess from Mario!”
I wish I knew what to say. We are all puzzled and pissed after all that we went through last year. The only thing running through my mind: Don’t you just love Sequels?!?!?!?!?!?
“Why are you laying in a Nativity scene trying to make out with the Virgin Mary?” Shaggy asked a drunken Murph. Shaggy in all honesty knew why. Its cause the Murph is all liquored up. “What are we going to do with the fat ass in the back of the van?” Murph looks at Shaggy all puzzled. They look at each other know one place they could take him. The last place in the entire world that they would be looked for. “Shaggy, we are going to go somewhere that the beer always flows. The weed never dwindles away.” The Murph say with the biggest shit eating grin on his face. Shaggy scratches his head. He ponders for a few minutes. The only thing truly playing in Shaggy’s head is Inagodadavida. Then all of a sudden Shaggy comes out of nowhere with his response. “We are going to Jamaica!!!” Shaggy exclaims when exhaling. The Murph looks at him like, a kid would look at his parents when fucking. “Hell Fucking No!!! You Damn Ass Hat. We are going to the one place they can’t find us. We are going back to the place where we were caught last year. We are going to the Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes. That is where our boss wants us to bring the magical fat fuck that is weighing down our van.” Shaggy nods. They are going to head back to the same place that they did last year. In their minds, they won’t get caught in the same place twice. It’s great in theory but so was communism.
In the control room. Christine is going over what we are going to have do. She is still going on and on over the intelligence she has received. I am thinking the government needs to hire Santa’s elves for intelligence. If they did, I am guessing we would have caught Osama Bin Laden on September 10th 2001. “This is year is going to be a little different than last year when you rescued the big guy last year. Instead of the Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes, the Murph and Shaggy are jumping from Christmas story to story. The end location is however unknown. All we know is that we are going to have a different type of sleigh to do this.” Christine says to the group. (How many of you reading this yelled they are going to the Island Of Misfit Christmas Wishes. If we just jumped to that logical point. We wouldn’t have a story now would we? Who says this has to be logical?) “The sleigh is going to be equipped with a device many of you know. It is called a flux capacitor. However, we work for Santa and ours doesn’t have to go past 80 for it to work. Ours goes from 0-2 in a second. And you will be transported to different Christmas stories.” Christine explains. She just keeps going on and on and on and on and on and on and on. We are lulled to sleep. I guess nap time wasn’t a bad idea. She even bored herself to sleep. We all woke up 4 hours later. We are way behind schedule, but all of got some well needed rest except Cody. We couldn’t find him. Where did Cody go? We will find him. Hopefully. Christine looks at me.” This is how this is going to work. You can only take 4 people with you at a time. The sleigh will not work with more than 5 people.” The journey has to begin. Christine tells the first story they jump back into is the Frosty the Snowman. I need to choose the 4 people to go on this journey with me. I hope I choose right here. “We need to find Cody too. This is the plan we are going to put into action. I am taking Victoria, Amber, and Nick. Jackson take your mom and the Anglo fro and go find the skinny one. Justin keep the team calm.” Christine gave us these bad ass watch talkies. They kind of reminded me of the same thing the Power Rangers wore. Justin and I kept going yes Zordon. It’s Morphin’ Time. Sometimes it is fun not to grow up. The four of us get in the sleigh. I am scared out of my mind. Remember that scene from Willy Wonka when he teleports that kid through space and ends up on the television. That is about what this is reminding me of. One difference. No candy or little orange men singing a catchy little tune about how we screwed up. I turned the sleigh on. In a blink of an eye we were off to rescue Santa. I hear Christine over the Walkie Talkie. “Come back here after you are done there. There is a button that says home. It kinds looks like the Staples easy button. You can’t miss it. It’s freaking huge.” We are off to Frosty the Snowman.
A flash of light we get sucked up into a little ball and we are gone in a flash. We see Christmas stories shooting through us. Victoria is a little scared not knowing what is happening. All of a sudden I turn around in the back seat. Amber is starting to look a little funny. Her skin starts to look like its boiling. Dear god we are going to be fried a live. What a crappy way to go! I am going to die on my second virginity. You can thank Tim Tebow for my newly found faith. Nick’s skin starts to do the same thing. “I haven’t had enough screwdrivers for this shit.” He yells over everyone. Victoria skin starts bubbling. She is freaking out. “Please don’t let this happen to me, Richard. I am too cute and lovable to die.” I begin to bubble. I look like a bloated roll of bubble wrap. FLASH!!! The light happens again. We come to a complete stop. We are all scared to open our eyes for the fear that we might be hideous. It’s like we just watched a Paranormal Activity movie or The Sound of Music. Nick keeps poking me. “Are we alive?” He asked in a cracked voice. “Open your eyes, Richard. You are the leader of this group.” Amber exclaims. Is there anyone out there who would love to trade me spots at the moment. I would give it up in a heartbeat. Victoria starts punching me, and just keeps yelling OPEN YOUR EYES!!! I open them up and to my surprise. We are alive and HOLY SHIT!!! We are animated. This freaking sweet. There is a small part of me who wants to drop an anvil on someone’s head and watch them spring back up to life like an according. Amber is loving it. She is running through the snow. Nick is drinking of course, and not getting drunk. This is freaking awesome. Victoria is having fun throwing snowballs at passing cars. I wonder if I can get Lois Griffin’s number. We hear crying coming from the other side of a small hill. The four of us go investigate what is going on. We get to the top of the hill. Suddenly, I feel like something is really wrong. We run down the hill. At the bottom was two kids, holding a corn cob pipe, a button and one piece of coal. I thought that these were kids on Santa’s naughty list. That is the only explanation for this. They looked up at me. “Are you Richard?” Dear god, the children of the corn know my name. This is a little scary. “Yes.” I replied scared for my life. “Two guys came through here in a van. I thought they were going to ask us if we wanted to pet a puppy or for candy. Instead, the guy with the Johnny Cash T-Shirt, took Frosty’s hat. He is wearing it now. His friend started smoking weed out his pipe. He left it. The other guy started peeing on Frosty. Please catch them sir” The kids said crying. I was a little heartbroken to find a melted yellow snowman. The only thing left was his head. “Did the Murph Skull fuck Frosty?” Nick asked while looking at his head. There was a spot where his eye had been, something very wrong done to it. Victoria says “We should be heading back. They aren’t here anymore and you could get to the next part very easily.” I agree with her. We all head back to the sleigh. Nick, Victoria and I all get in the sleigh. Amber just stops dead in her tracks. “I am not leaving. This is the happiest I have ever been. I have no drama here. It’s a great new beginning here. Please don’t make me go back!” I will never let anyone down at Christmas. I told her she could stay. Maybe she could cheer up the kids as we get their hat back as well. We decided to hit the Staples button and poof. We are gone. Amber waves good bye to us and heads back over to where the kids are. I think I just made her Christmas.
After going through the pork rind bubble phase of our travel. We end up back in the control room without Amber. Christine looks pissed. I hate that look that women give. You know the look I am talking about. That I am going to eat your soul for a midnight snack look. “Why did you leave Amber behind?” Christine asks me. I replied “I haven’t seen her that happy in a long time. She deserved to be away from everything for a while. You know I will do anything for anyone.” She smiles. “I know.”
The search for Cody has been started. No one knew where that skinny little fucker went to. Jackson, Danielle and The Anglo Fro decided to go down the hallway from the control room. They come across what looks to be the door to the workshop. Now, last year the only people to enter this room were myself and Justin. This room is off limits to normal people without the supervision of one of Santa’s elves. Jackson is hell bent to find the Gilligan to his Skipper. They can’t just open the doors. He decided the best idea is to run at it and see if he can bust it down. He gets in the point stance and He is off. 25 yards, 20 yards, 15 yards, 10 yards, 5 yards. He is going at full speed. THUMP!!! He fought the door and the door won. The door also took his lunch money. “Maybe, it would be a good idea if we got a giant log and used it as a battering ram.” Danielle, says. A light bulb goes off in Jackson’s head. “I have my football helmet in the control room. You guys could pick me up. And run me into the door with my helmet.” The Anglo Fro replies to what Jackson said. “That is a terrible idea!!! But we have no better options so I guess we need to try it.” Jackson runs back to the control room. Grabs is helmet and the idea the three have come up with will be put into action very soon.
Christine gets her next message as to where the Murph and Shaggy might have taken Santa. “The next story you will be jumping in is a classic. However, we have no idea what part you will be jumping into. I am not going to tell the story just that you need to pick two people to go with you on this one.” I look around thinking to myself. “This might just be the one I need a little help from Justin on.” I say with a booming voice, “I am taking my partner in crime from last year. I am taking Justin.” Justin comes running up to me and in celebration we do the discount double check. Sorry Aaron Rodgers. We make that move look good. “You still have to pick out someone else there numb nuts.” Christine says in a voice that lets you know that she means business. I look around at my crusty crew. “I have no clue. I guess, I will just take Cary.” “Fuck You, Richard!! You guess. Shows what kind of friend you are.” I begin to well up. I hate when my feelings get hurt. I wish people would just stop picking on me. It’s hard to be this awesome. The three of us get in the sleigh and hit the button. A giant flash and going small in a poof and we are gone. Alex, is getting kind of frustrated. “When will all this be over? I need some nicotine. No one actually cares if Christmas happens or not.” Christine takes huge offense to this. “You know the only reason you are here is because he wanted you here. Your man is going to save this holiday for all the kids around the world. Does that not mean anything to you? Does what he does not mean anything to you?” Christine walks out of the room for a minute to get a Diet Coke to calm her nerves. Alex is fuming. She folds her arms and does the whole, I am a pissed off girl sigh thing. Brianna turns to the group. “You can cut the tension in here with a spork.”
We arrive at our destination. We are somewhere in the middle of Iowa or Ohio something like that. There is a school yard in front of us. Snow is covering the ground. It is very beautiful out here. Justin pipes up. “Doesn’t this look familiar to anyone? I just can’t put my finger on it.” Cary is looking to try to figure out where we are. She goes back to the sleigh to see the coordinates of where we landed. There is a small shock waiting for her in the sleigh. “Guys, there is a fourth person with us. I don’t know who he is!!! He looks like someone who would watch you masturbate.” Justin and I whip our heads around to see a man in our sleigh. Justin and become speechless. We do a double take. It’s TV’s Allan Thicke. Mr. Seaver himself was in our sleigh. This is so very awesome. I say to him, “I am a huge fan of yours. I am so excited to meet you………..Why the fuck are you here?” Allan Says: “I am just looking for my way back to the Growing Pains Christmas. For some reason during your travels, I got sucked into a black hole. I ended up on your sleigh.” All of a sudden three kids go running by us. They were being chased by some ginger kid and another kid who was wearing a hat. If that was turned around he would make the perfect limo driver. Coming up the back stretch was this kid that looked like the little version of the Stay Puft marshmallow man. It dawned on me a few seconds later. We are in A Christmas Story. I love this movie. “Allan, will go sit in the sleigh while we take care of some business. I promise. We will get you to Growing Pains.” Mr. Thicke being the good little television bitch that he is goes and sits down. He just smiles. Something about that man smiling is creepy. We here the bells from the school. That means it can be time for one thing. It’s time for recess. We are here for the famous scene tongue getting stuck to the pole scene. Here comes Ralphie, Flick and Schwartz. Justin and I are having a moment where we are freaking out due to the sheer awesomeness of being in this movie. We are acting like a 10 year old girl getting kissed by Justin Bieber. We hear Schawartz say I double dare you. Cary, the doubting Thomas that she is. “There is no way that actually works.” I double dog dare you. Then, a voice came raining down from the heavens above. I thought it was god. Justin pointed out that he didn’t know god’s voice sounded Jean Shepard. We can hear the narrator!!! This just get cooler and cooler by the minute. There is part of me that just wants to stay around so we can steal the leg lamp. Cary is still going on and on about how the licking a frozen pole will not freeze your tongue to it. At the same time Schwartz, Justin and I look at Cary and Say “triple dog dare you.” She said, “Fine Fine. I will do it but it’s not going to work.” Justin and I are now on assumption that Cary has actually never seen this movie. She is one side of the pole and Flick is on the other. They both stick their tongues to it. Color me shocked people. Her tongue is now stuck like Flicks. HAHAHAHAHA!!! Justin and I can’t stop laughing. Ralphie comes over to us. “There were two guys who told them that it wouldn’t work. They said if it did, all the kid would be yelling is FUDGE” However, Ralphie didn’t say Fudge. He said the big wig of all bad words. The F Word. That is what Cary was yelling actually. She said, “Jafjkbgfakjbfgaojfalskgnasl; gboweingfoebgjsbgf; zdbg; asklgkbg; sdgfb’aobgfoednbfoednb” Justin and I tried to decipher that. I wish at that moment we had subtitles. We took it as, it’s ok to leave. You guys need to save Christmas. I will be fine. So we left. We head back to the control room at the North Pole. We need to find out where our next mission was going to be. We get back. Justin and I are so excited to introduce everyone to Allan Thicke. When we got back however, he was gone. Where did Allan Thicke go, damn it?
The Murph and Shaggy arrive to the Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes and head into their bosses secret hideout on the island. It is a strip club on the island called the Boobie Bungalow!!! The Murph walks in and immediately a woman walked right up to him. Her stripper name is Tulip. She starts to grind on him. He returns the favor. Shaggy starts laughing his stoner ass off. “You have the moves of a cube in an Earthquake. I have seen paraplegics move their legs better than you did.” Murph throws his beer down is pissed off protest. “Let’s just go see the boss.” The Murph drags Shaggy’s stoner ass to the back room of the strip club.
The next location that Murph and Shaggy were seen in is going to be a little weird for everyone. I hope you guys don’t mind getting turned into Claymation at all. You will be going into the story of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.” Christine tells us. I know I need to pick my team but I have no clue at this moment to go into this story. I am going to choose Brianna, Sasha, and Thomas. I think this might be a safe group. I don’t think I am going to lose anyone out of those three. If I do, I am a horrible leader. I am almost right up there with the guy who decided to attack uphill. The four of us get in the sleigh. I hit the start button. FLASH!!! POOF!!! We were gone. Brianna, is getting a weird a feeling first. I swear this being shot back into animated stuff is not the easiest. Brianna looks like Gumby before she goes back into shape. “I have never been this flexible and I love it.” She says to us. Sasha transforms next. She stretches, and turns into a clay person. “This is freaking cool. I know no one will be stealing my car in clay form.” Thomas turns next. “I am going to have basketball skills like I will never have before.” As I turn into clay, there is part of me that knows I smell like a tube of Play-Doh!!! I kind of want to eat myself and my friends. That sounded a little dirty didn’t it? Well, it should have. We come to our destination but something is weird. We are just hovering up above this clay land. It doesn’t look like Rudolph. It looks much darker. Sasha puzzled, “Where the hell are we?” I have no clue. There is Christmas stuff below me. It looks really funky. We hear singing below us. “WHAT’S THIS? There’s white things in the air. WHAT’S THIS? I can’t believe my eyes I must be….. And we fall right on top of this guy singing. Brianna figures out that what story we are in very quickly. “I know that this might not be the most appropriate time but um, we just flattened the Pumpkin King. We might want think quickly about…” Thomas finishes her sentence. “Getting the fuck out of here. Like Now!!!” I hit the home button but nothing. I hit it again and nothing. I bang my head on the dashboard. “Is this even a Christmas movie? AHHHHH!!! WWATD? What Would Alan Thicke Do?” Alan Thicke pops out of the trunk and say, “Show Me That Smile Again! And get the hell out of here before Tim Burton Kills us.” I hit the home button again. This time finally by the grace of God or in this case Alan Thicke. It worked. We are on our way back to control central.
The Anglo Fro and Danielle pick up Jackson. This is starting to look like a really terrible Three Stooges bit. They start off 25 yards away. One for the money, Two for Show, Three to Get Ready, and their off. They are running at full speed. 20 yards away. 10 yards away. Shauna, one of Santa’s elves, heard the first time Jackson hit the door. She opens the door right before they hit it. They just keep running right through the door. They accidentally throw Jackson in the doll pit. A claw being ran by Tonya picks him up. She sets him down on the floor. A brush comes down and paints two red circles on his face. Santa’s elves turned him into a horrible Raggedy Andy look. Danielle ask, “Has anyone seen Cody?” The elves confer in a circle. Shauna speaks for them. “He was in here and he went out the other door into the giant hallway.” They take off looking for Cody!!!
Christine is giving us information on our next spot. I don’t think I am going to let her know about us killing the pumpkin. That may not be a good thing at all. Christine is not letting me pick on this trip. She is telling me that she and Alex are going. “I don’t want to be in this spot.” I said scared to hit the button on the sleigh. Christine replied back “You don’t have a choice since you brought it with you.” “Excuse Me? Alex says. “Who are you calling it, Miss Thang?” I hit the button and POOF!!! WHITE LIGHT. We are gone. We get to a movie. We are in black and white. We are in It’s A Wonderful Life. This isn’t going to end well is it? Christine and Alex keep arguing. Christine talks about how Alex will never support my career choices and my health issues. She will only be around for the good times. As soon as she the bad happens, she is going to bring up all the sad over and over. Alex is talking about how she is now, and that Christine is yesterday’s news. I can’t handle this shit. I hear George just ask if he wanted to lasso to the moon for some chick. Thank you fuck head. Now they are both going to ask at the same time, “Would you lasso the moon for me?” I walk over to George Bailey and kick right in the nuts. Thanks a lot ass hole. I get back in the sleigh with the bickering woman. I hit the home button. Fuck this. We are back into the control room. I don’t think I will ever ride anywhere with those two ever again. That was the worst two minutes of my life.
I don’t even care where the next story takes us. I am just ready to get the hell up out of this mother. I just look over. “Matt, Anna, and Chris get in the sleigh now. We need to go.” They jump in the sleigh. We get the hell out of dodge. POOF!!!! I am dreaming of a WHITE LIGHT!!!! We arrive at our destination. I have no clue where we are. Chris looks at me with kind of with a confused look. “Feels like something is different.” “I know this place but I can’t put my finger on it at all.” Anna starts smiling. “I know where we are at.” She just takes off running into the direction of the doors. She runs in them. Matthew has no idea what is going on. “She just pulled a runaway bride on you.” A man in a suit jacket walks up behind me and slaps me on the back of the head. I look at Chris like I am going to hurt him. However, his mouth is on the floor with that dick in mouth look. I turn around to see, that gray haired Military haircut. “Who are you to make jokes in my Christmas Special?” It was Special Agent Gibbs from NCIS. “Dude I just got Gibbsed by Gibbs. You are your own metaphor.” He flashes that smile. God even my heart just melted like a middle aged woman. McGee comes up from behind Matthew and places him under arrest. “You are being detained for the murder of LT. Jack Skellington.” They take him inside. “What actually happened when you were supposed to go see Rudolph?” Chris asked me. “We killed the Pumpkin King.” “Not Good” Chris replies. We decide to set out to find Anna. Tony, takes us upstairs to the NCIS headquarters. It was an amazing. I want to go into MTAC and bomb an ex-girlfriend’s house. Sounds like a good plan in my head. However, I said that out loud and Ziva was standing right there. Not a good joke to make around a cold blooded assassin. I am now scared for my life. They take us to Abbey’s lab. They said your friend has been up here talking to her. Ziva said, “She is like the world’s most annoying superfan but she is making Abbey really happy.” Chris and I walk into this moment between Abbey and Anna. They are looking longingly into each other eyes. The moment is kind of hot. Chris and I sit down with Tony. We are all three drinking Caf Pows. These things are the shit. Anna eyes look into Abbey’s. Their heads are getting closer and their lips begin to meet. All three of us are sitting with risen front of the pants. The only thing missing is Ziva and Biscuits and Gravy. Gibbs comes in the room, slaps all three of us in the head. “We needed that!” Chris says. “I am not leaving here.” Anna says. “I didn’t know that you were into women.” I said to Anna. She replied “I wasn’t but I am now.” Neither Chris nor I were going to care if she stayed or not. I really hope Christine isn’t going to be pissed. Gibbs did tell us that they haven’t seen The Murph or Shaggy. If they came through here we would have caught those bastards. Chris and I decide to head back to the control room.
Alex and Christine are still arguing while we are gone. “You are going to break his heart. Oh wait, you already have.” “And you have room to talk? Didn’t you not choose your some guy who worked for the Easter Bunny?” Christine got up, and pushed Alex. Alex pushed back. All the other people sitting in the control room got some popcorn. They were sitting around in a circle hoping that the fight would result in a loss of clothing. We poof back into the control room. Alex and Christine start fighting. Fist are being thrown more and more each second. It looks like a boxing match but more talented. Chris and I are holding the back of our heads. A Gibbs head slap will fuck your world up. We exit the sleigh on the other side. Alex comes running up screaming, and tackles her James Harrison against Cleveland. Her and Christine land on the sleigh. All of a sudden they must have hit the switch. POOF!!! FLASH!!! The sleigh is gone. “What the fuck just happened?” Sasha replies, “Christine and Alex have been fighting since you left. It got bad. They got physical and that is when the landed on the sleigh.”
Christine and Alex end up poofed in the middle of a place that looked very familiar. Christine knew exactly where they were at. They were on the Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes. They landed right in front of the only strip club on the entire island. They landed right there at the Boobie Bungalow. The sleigh poofs away stranding Christine and Alex on the island.
The sleigh comes back in a flash. We started looking around for Alex and Christine. They weren’t there. The only person in the sleigh was TV’s Allan Thicke. What a damn disappointment!!! What are we going to do without the head elf?
Christine, sees the van that kidnaps Santa. “This is exactly where the Murph and Shaggy are hiding. We are going to find the big guy.” Christine says. They both decided to go into the strip club. They walk in to a woman wearing a Santa hat completely naked. Her name was Lucy. She is stripping to the Christmas classic, White Christmas by Bing Crosby. Alex and Christine walk next to the stage. The pass the Easter Bunny. “I thought you were gay?” Christine says. The Easter Bunny is pissed. Hell hath no fury like a Bunny questioned about sexual orientation. “I am not gay. I am bisexual. Get it fucking right elfie poo.” The Easter Bunny throws a dollar and walks back to the champagne room. Alex and Christine see the Murph at the bar. The one thing that makes this interesting. Christine has no powers on the island. No magical creature does. She is powerless. She removes her elf hat so no one else recognizes her. “Like that is going to fucking work? People are going to know who you are. It is kind of obvious.” Alex said in a stern voice. Christine decides to walk by the Easter Bunny. She puts her arms around him before he could get to the champagne room. “What is up you sexy little rabbit? I want to know if it’s true what they say about your kind.” The Easter Bunny is turned on by what he thinks is a stranger. Christine comes back over. “Is that good enough for you skank?” She says looking at Alex. “Those are fighting words where I come from slut.” Out of the corner of their eye. They see Shaggy come and get The Murph. They decide the best idea is to follow them to the back. Maybe they will see Santa. They follow the bumbling stoner and drunk to the back. Where they come across these huge doors. The doors swing wide open. There is only a desk. The chair is turned around and they hear a voice. “You guys have done well. Go enjoy the fruits of your labor. All the booze you can drink and all the weed you can smoke. You deserve it.” The Murph and Shaggy leave the room. Christine and Alex bust up in their Cagney and Lacey style except they hate each other and they are not cops. It was more like Romy and Michelle. “We demand you give us Santa back so that all the boys and girls can have a Christmas.” Christine says to the figure in the chair. “I was expecting you Christine.” The chair turns around. Christine sees who it is. “Holy Shit. It’s you.”
Cody was walking in a hallway that was filled with nothing but doors. Each door had something different inside of it. Well, each door that Cody opened made him wonder what exactly was behind each door. There are some doors that he would like to forget. Did you know that Santa has an S&M room? How wrong is that? That does explain why all the elves are females though. There are rooms that Cody wants to never forget. The chocolate covered elf room comes to mind first. Nothing beats seeing a woman covered in Hershey’s Chocolate syrup. Door after Door. Cody keeps opening. His curiosity is getting the best of him. Finally, he comes down to the last door in this hall. Above the door, there is a sign. The sign read the Source. Cody opens the door. In the middle of the room was a glass tube. It was just hovering there. It was something right out of Star Wars. Cody couldn’t stop staring at it. He was amazed. In his mind, he was thinking that this was the exact item that kept the entire North Pole powered.
In the control room, we are all kinds of panicked. None of us knew what we were going to do without the head Elf. We needed her to let us know where we were going, without that we are going blindly in each direction. “Do we even have a chance to save Christmas?” asked Amee, her eyes welling up with tears. “This mission isn’t over yet. We are going to have to get in that sleigh and keep traveling. Hopefully, we will find all three of them.” I said to the group. All hope has been sucked out of this room. I have to take control here. This situation turned even crazier than before. “We have to pull our heads up. This isn’t over. I have faith that we are going to save Christmas again. This is my fault for bringing Alex. I didn’t need to put her around Christine. I had no idea all the bickering would turn into an episode of WWE Smackdown. However, it did, but we can’t just sit around and be sad about it. What happens when you are in your worst time?” “DUCKS STICK TOGETHER!!!” Ben chimes up, “When I had no life and look at me now, I am a safety inspector. DUCKS STICK TOGETHER” All of a sudden in a shy voice in the background, “When the crow flies and the rooster crows, DUCKS STICK TOGETHER!” None of us know to this day who said that. All of us together started shouting Ducks Stick Together and then quack. Seriously if you are going to motivate a bunch of people. You steal Gordon Bombay’s speech from D2: The Mighty Ducks. Hell yes. I know exactly what I needed to do and that is but the next team together to travel into the next story with me.
“Christine, it is so good to see you again. I wasn’t who you were expecting at all were you? You just thought I wasn’t real like any other make believe character. I put together last year’s plan to try and ruin Richard’s Christmas. That fat fuck has a boner for this damn holiday. I knew taking away something that he loved would break him. It was a good idea, until you threw a wrench in that plan. I couldn’t believe that he actually did it. Well, this year I was walking around thinking about how I could put this plan into action again. I would do it again. This time I knew I had to make myself be heard. That is why I took Santa again. I am not going to harm him but he will be released on Dec. 26. I want him to suffer one terrible Christmas. He will never find us. Then, a small gift was brought down from the heavens above. You showed up magically in my lap. I know with you here, there is no chance in hell, that Captain Fatty Tissue has a chance to do it again.” Christine is sitting there in amazement as she is watching Stick Figure Dan talk to her. She was in shock. “I know you hate him but why go to this extreme. You know he doesn’t get that much happiness at the holidays.” She ask Dan. “Do you think I care about his feelings at all? HAHA!!! I’ve had one night stands that I had more feelings for. I don’t care if he wakes up tomorrow or not. The only care I have is to hurt him.” Dan replies with a smug look on his face. He knows that he is getting under Christine’s skin and he is loving every second of it. “You will not get away with this Dan.” Christine screams at Dan as she starts to head for the door. “Where the hell do you think you are going? Sit your pretty ass right back down. I have something to talk to you about and get that other girl in here too. She might like to hear the whole story herself.”
Jackson was still looking for the Marty Janetty to his Shawn Michaels. Danielle, The Anglo Fro and Jackson have come to the hall way with all the doors in them. “This is a terrible Scooby Doo bit waiting to happen isn’t it?” Danielle asks the others. They come up with a game plan to open the doors so that they would go by a little faster. The Green Doors, the Anglo Fro Would open. The Red Doors, Danielle would open and the doors that were hard to open Jackson would use his battering ram skills to open. The Anglo Fro opens her first Green door. Inside her got see a midget eating a Mars bar. She just kept looking at it. She was a deer caught in the head lights. Jackson takes off sprinting down the hall to see in there any doors that were different. Danielle opens the first Red Door. Behind it was bed room suit, that was covered in Doritos’ Nacho Cheese and a guy in his underwear watching Family Guy. Needless to say she froze up quicker than a girl getting walked in on peeing. Jackson finds this big wooden door with a sign hanging above it. The sign reads source. The door looks just like the one that was the entrance to the workshop. Jackson calls his mom and the Anglo fro down to the door. They look at it. “You know what we got to do?” Jackson says. The Anglo Fro yells out, “HUMAN BATTERING RAM!!!” Danielle and the Anglo Fro pick up Jackson. He puts on his helmet and they back up to a respectable 30 yards away. They start to take off. 30 yards. 25 yards. 15 yards. 10 yards. 7 Yards…..
Meanwhile, back in the control room with the troops rallied. It is time to put together the next team and save Christmas. I choose Julie, Amee, and Safety Inspector Ben. Why the hell not? We need everyone. The four of us pile in sleigh along with TV’s Alan Thicke. We all look at each other again. “Show Me That Smile Again!!!” I hit the button. POOF, WHITE LIGHT, SUCKED INTO SPACE. We are in the spot of our travel I like to call, The Crazy Feeling stage. It is almost as if you smoked some of Shaggy’s Stuff.
Cody heard the Anglo Fro’s excitement about the Human Battering Ram. 5 Yards. Cody walks over to the door. He opens it up. All he sees is this blur of two people and football helmet blowing by him. “I never knew the Anglo Fro’s hair was aerodynamic?” Cody said giggling. Then the unthinkable happened. They ran Jackson right into the floating tube. His helmet penetrated the glass and it came shattering down to the floor.
We were in midflight when all of a sudden. Instead of red and green and seeing all the stories, it just turned black. We started spinning out of control. “I think I am getting Sea sick and I am originally from California!” Says Amee. We just keep spinning and spinning. It was like we were in the world’s largest washing machine. We have no clue what is going on. “I want to go home.” Screamed Julie. Ben the person who is supposed to be in charge of safety is screaming like a little kid on a roller coaster. I am scared I am going to die and I’m too pretty to die. We are shot out and land on top op of a Christmas float. I think we are ok.
Shauna, Tonya, Amber N, and Jill come running into the control room with everyone. “Is everyone ok?” asks Shauna. Everyone nods there head. “Why Wouldn’t we be?” asked Victoria. “We have lost all magical powers.” Says Tonya. ‘Where are Richard and the Sleigh?” asked Amber N. Nick pipes up, “They continued the mission.” Jill stand frightened, “This isn’t good.” They explain that without their magic they cannot control Christmas specials. The North Pole controls who gets specials and what movies and shows are made. Without our input anyone can have a special. They do mean anyone. At that moment. Jackson walks in with the others to follow. “We fucking found Cody!!! Now, Let’s save mother fucking Christmas.” I thought I was good at motivational speaking. The elves notice him carrying his helmet still. “Where did you find him?” asked Shauna. Danielle being all excited that one mission was accomplished exclaimed, “In a room that said source.” The elves started putting two and two together. They knew everyone was in danger. “What you did, could end Christmas as we know it. Richard and the others may never get back here. We may never find Christine and most importantly we may never find Santa.” They turned from happy to sad in less than a second. The excitement that was in the control room was gone. There may not be a Christmas ever again.
We landed on top of sleigh. Honestly it was kind of cool. We landed in the same spot as a cardboard sleigh. I mean a perfect hit. We destroyed and replaced it. The only thing missing was having a witch underneath it and going to see a wizard. We looked around to see if we had been seen this place before. No one knew where we were at all. This was a whole new experience. The float begins to move and not very fast at all. “I have had relationships move faster than this float.” Ben says. Alan is just sitting in the back waiting to see if we ever are going to find Mike Seaver. Julie starts took at the window of the vehicle that the float is on. She taps Amee on the shoulder, “Is that Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock in the front seat?” All five of us look puzzled as fuck. I think I am kind of familiar with the location of where we are but still not for sure. It looks like we are in the Macy’s Parade. We are on the 34th Street. Something isn’t right. Then we hear Keanu yell for the driver’s side to Sandra Bullock,” If we go more than 2 miles per hour, the entire parade route will be blown to bits and Virginia will not think there is a Santa Claus!” I start laughing hysterically. “This can’t be real, they are so hard up for Christmas ideas that they combined Miracle on 34th Street, with Speed.” Ben chimes in, “Speed on 34th Street!!!” At that moment a little voice inside me told me, that it’s time to go home. I hit the giant button that is the size of the staples button. And Poof, but this time instead of a whit light it more like a disco ball. “Umm, I didn’t know that we were going to be attending a rave. Who brought the ecstasy?” Julie says. I am thinking drugs is the only way this story is going to make sense. We start spinning again. I feel like I am on a holiday tilt a whirl. This is getting old already. And BAM!!!
We landed back in the control room. When we landed all the elves came running up to us to give me a hug. I am not going to lie a guy could get used to this. Hugs from pretty women, especially Jill. They proceed to tell me what happened with the source being broken. That they have no control over where we go or what kind of special it will be when we land. We really need to find Christine and Santa as soon as possible. This is getting crazy. We have to save Christmas.
Dan is on the cell phone waiting for Alex to be brought in the room. “Are you serious? How in the hell did they break the source? That is fucked up even for them. I swear there are some bumbling dumb asses up there trying to save Santa and the biggest Dumb ass is at the lead. I have to go. I have someone I need to talk to.” Dan hangs up the phone. The Murph and Shaggy enter the room. They said “They found Alex, but she was kind of indisposed at the moment. She was in a room naked with 15 people and the Easter Bunny.” Christine’s eyes went from having a look of concern to pissed in less than a second. Dan says “Don’t worry about it guys. I got the one I need to talk to right in front of me.” The Murph and Shaggy leave. Dan gets out of his chair walks over to his liquor cabinet. He pours a glass of fine wine. He offers Christine a glass but she refuses. “What do you want with me Dan?” Christine asks. “Well here goes, that little girl in the other room could hurt Richard but there is one difference. I just don’t want to hurt his feelings. I want to destroy them. There is only person that he would listen to. That could tug at his heart in ways no one else could. That one person is you. Here is my deal, I will give the world their Christmas. I will give you back Santa. But you have to join me in destroying him. You are the key to him being miserable forever.” Christine sits there thinking for a second. “Why would I help you?” Dan laughs under his breath, “There is no magic at the North Pole. His crack of numb nuts crew destroyed it. They did it in a horrible three Stooges bit. Help me and I will restore that whole place to normal by giving you Santa. I will give you some time to think about this by yourself.” Dan gets up, walks out of the office. He leaves Christine to sit and ponder her decision.
The time has come for me to pick my next group in the search for Santa and now at this moment Christine and Alex. I know what you are thinking. They are on the island. You know we don’t. There wouldn’t be a story here people. Geeze. I am looking around the room. I have no clue who to take at all. This decision is going to be hard. I think I am going to take Nick, Jill, and Shauna. Yes, I am taking two super sexy elves. Why? Cause I can damn it!!!! We get in the sleigh and of course joining us will be Mr. Thicke. I am really hoping soon that we find freaking Mike Seaver. I am tired of this guy psycho analyzing me over and over. The other reason I am taking elves is because they will know more about the powers of the flux capacitor. I hit the button and POOF, Disco Fever. We are off. If this is going to be anything like last time. The unpredictability of where we are going to land is going to be very interesting. We travel through the black hole spinning. I am just hoping Shauna or Jill grab a hold of me to hang on. It’s always worth a hope isn’t it? We land. It’s in a bedroom in the middle of the valley in LA. A woman walks in with a sexy little Santa helper’s outfit. I love this one. Then following her was 24 men in Santa hats and that is all. It was a little creepy. The girls sure as hell dug the men with rippling bodies and hard cocks. “WE ARE ON A PORN SET!!!” I started screaming. The director said, “Quiet on the set, First Scene of HO! HO! HO! 14 Jingle Balls is getting ready to be shot.” Nick just looks at me. I swear to god, he looked like a kid on Christmas morning. “Can I stay? PLEASE! PLEASE!!! PLEASE!!!” Nick asked while bouncing in his seat like a basketball. Who am I to turn down getting rid of one male out of the sleigh? That only means one more till, it is just me and some elves. They start running a train on this girl. At that moment, I thought hitting the button home would be a good idea. However, my hand bumped into the button to jump into the next story. Poof!!!! DISCO IS NOT DEAD!!! Bam!
Jackson and Cody are feeling bad about what happened to the source. The two of them decide to go find an elf who isn’t as pissed off at them as the ones in the room. They go into the work shop and find two elves working on toys. They walk over to them scared for their heads to be bitten off. “Hi” says a very scared Jackson. The two elves just keep working and working. Their names were Becky and Dani. They were two of Santa’s most dependable elves. “Do you think it would be ok if we try to fix the source?” Cody asked. The two of them looked up. Dani replies, “Go ahead. The reason we are still working on the toys is because we know Christmas will be saved.” Cody and Jackson thank the two elves. On their way to the source room they grab Super Glue and Duct tape. “You can fix anything with the right amount of duct tape.” Jackson says laughing.
We are in the spin cycle again. I hope someday we finally hit the rinse cycle. We land outside a sound studio. The only option here is that all four of us get and walk in. It is completely pitch black. The applause sign flashes. Then an announcer comes over. “You have seen a Bing Crosby Christmas but that was nothing Compared to this.” All of a sudden, Metal Trees started lighting up. It looked like an industrial scene threw up in here. “It’s time for a Marilyn Manson, Christmas Variety Special with your host MARILYN MANSON!!!!! Also guest Starring, Metallica, Motorhead, Anthrax, Ronnie James Dio, King Diamond, Michael W. Smith, Alice Cooper, Gwar, and special guest Kirk Cameron formerly Mike Seaver on Growing Pains with a reading from the Bible.” Shauna, Jill and I each whipped are hair….and head around to see Allan Thicke’s eyes light up more than the Rockefeller Tree. He takes off running toward the stage while Gwar was singing Silent Night. He is running right towards Kirk Cameron. Alan gets maybe 10 feet away from him when out of the blue, Two Security guards tackle Alan Thicke down. “Tell them who I am Mike.” Allan says. Kirk Cameron turns up his nose at his TV dad. “You were part of my evil days. You were part of the antichrist machine known as Hollywood. I do not want anything to do with you.” It was kind of sad to see Alan taken out in hand cuffs crying his eyes out. The three of us just said “Hey Allan. Show Me That Smile Again!!” Allan gave us the finger. What a prick. Alright. I guess, it is back to control central with the two hotties. We get in the sleigh. Hit a button, Wham BAM THAK YOU MAM, we are back in the control room.
Shauna, Jill and I return to the control room. I guess we are going to have taken another group to the next trip. Brianna was confused. “Where is Nick at?” I just started giggling. “We jumped into a Christmas theme porn and he decided to stay. I wish it would have been HO! HO! HO! 7, Lick my Candy Cane. I would have stayed on that one myself. I am really glad however we didn’t land in the 4th installment called, Well Hung Stockings.” Bri thought that sounded like her friend Nick. I decided to get the team together for our next journey into Weird Ass Christmas Stories. I decided to take Chris and one of the quiet hard working elves. I took Becky. I thought this way if it was weird she would just tell us to hit the home button and get the hell out of Dodge. The three of us walk over to the time sleigh, and like Disco in the 80s we were out of there. We are spinning. My stomach can’t take much more of this let me tell you. I have an iron stomach but this is getting kind of ridiculous.
Christine, was sitting there wondering what she was going to do. The more and more she thought about it. The more and more pissed she got. Alex decides to come back to the office. “Oh My God, I was just in the champagne room with 15 people and the Easter Bunny. Dirty things happened. It was amazing.” Christine just frustrated, “What did he ever see in you? It’s like you bash him to everyone else, but when it comes to him, you play all nice. When, I get magic back, I am going to see to it that you never see or hurt him again. Get out my damn sight before I kill you.” Alex leaves the room, “Oh well, it doesn’t matter what I do. He is always going to have feeling for you and I hate you for that. I don’t ever want to have anything to do with helping out with this again.” Christine knows that is one problem down and she has one to go.
We landed in front of a sound studio again. This is better not have anything to do with Manson. The three of us walk in. The applause sign lights up. YAY!!! I am having a damn moment of Deja Vu. I am not feeling this at the moment. A door opens with a spotlight coming down on it. There are trees around the doors with Dreidels on it. Out walks the one and only William Shatner. “Welcome to …..My Christmas…Special. William Shatner’s…It’s a Jewish Christmas.” At that moment Becky and I hear a high pitch scream that I will never be able to shake. The image afterwards still haunts me to this day. “WILLIAM FREAKING SHATNER!!! OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD!!!” Chris starts running around in a circle throwing his arms in all different directions. I have never seen anything like this. Have you ever seen that video, where the kid gets excited to get an N64. It was like that just nerdier. I thought Anna was bad with Abby from NCIS. This tops that and then some. In that moment Becky said the most perfect line ever, “What the fuck is wrong with that guy?” The two of us ran over to the sleigh and left him where no man has ever watched before. POOF, DISCO BALL. We are back in the control room.
The feeling started getting somber in the control room. It was getting to the point we all felt like giving up. Nothing has worked yet. We started to sit around. Our hearts were breaking. Last year we were able to do it but this year didn’t seem like it. We have ran out of options 100%.
Jackson and Cody are working diligently in the source room to fix the glass tube. It was hard for them to find all the pieces. Puzzles were never these guys strong suit but they were hell bent to fix this mess. Half way through getting the glass piece glued together. Jackson gets the bright idea to duct tape Cody to the wall for a bit of inspiration. It was at that moment back in the control room, I got the idea. It wasn’t Jackson’s or Cody’s fault at all. This wasn’t meant to happen. “All of us need to stick together as a team. That is the only way that this Christmas is going to get saved.” The entire group walked down the hall. Normal people walking with elves hand in hand. This is the only way that this thing is going to get put together. We get in the room to see Cody taped to the wall. Justin says ‘Way to just be hanging around man” We all get a good laugh. Justin and Tonya decide to help get him down. We all help Jackson collect the pieces. This is where the powers of the Anglo Fro and Danielle is going to have to come in. Why you ask, they like Puzzles. Look people, they might be cool in the story but they live very boring lives. The glass tube is getting put together one piece at a time. Then all of a sudden we were done. What do we do now? It just sits there lying dormant on the floor. How are we going to give this thing life?
Dan walks back into his office on his cell phone. “The fucking fixed it! That is impossible. I hope to god they don’t get that damn thing working. If they do, this whole plan of ruining Christmas is going to go up like Paris Hilton’s music career. Leadership skills, no fucking way. It would be like Helen Keller leading Stevie Wonder into war. SHIT!!! Every Fucking time.” Dan is fuming at the idea that his plans are going in a bad direction. “Have you given any thought about what I asked you, Miss Christine?” She looked at Dan. She knew this wasn’t going to be easy. She looked up at Dan with tears coming down her face and answered his question.
We are standing around the source at the moment. All of us. Then out of the clear blue, Danielle starts singing a Christmas song. She starts singing, White Christmas. All of our mouths just kind of dropped. One who starts singing at this moment and two, out of all people why in the hell was it Danielle. Well, it didn’t bother any of us. We all joined her in singing. Seriously, we had nothing better to do. After the first verse, the ground began to shake. Things were starting to feel different. The elves started getting their magic back one by one. The source started to lift off the ground. Then all of a sudden a blinding white light. The source was actually working. I looked over at Shauna. “All it took was some Christmas spirit.” Holy shit. I take off straight for the control room. I grabbed Justin and whoever he was holding on to. He was in the circle holding hands with an elf named Jamie. The group is still singing song after song. I tell Justin, “This is our chance to actually find where they are at.” We jump in the sleigh and hit the button. We take off. Poof. White Light!!!!
“I can’t believe you would say no Christine. I didn’t think that jackass meant anything to you at all. I am still going to ruin this holiday for everyone now.” Christine is sad that she might have just ruined Christmas for everyone but she knew what she had to do. “There is one thing I would like to know Dan? Who is your inside man?” Christine asks. Before Dan gets a chance to answer, his cell phone rings. “It’s working. FUCK!!! I am going to have to get out of here before I get caught. There is no way I am going down. I will let my stooges go down first. Fuck them.” Dan slams his phone down. “However, before I leave and make my get away. I am going to tell you who has been the other half to the plan. In all honesty the true mastermind behind it all.”
Justin, Jamie and I land right in front of the Boobie Bungalow. “Where the hell are we?” are we asked Jamie? “Oh My God. I know where we are at. We are in the Island of Misfit Christmas Wishes. You don’t think we jumped back in to last year’s story did we?” Asked Justin. We are looking around to see if anything is recognizable. Then all of a sudden, there it was. The van. “That is the van that Christine was talking about.” I think we might have just found Santa Claus. We run into the strip club. Strippers dancing around, Christmas songs. This, I could use to. Justin taps my shoulder, “Man is that your girl with like a dozen guys and the Easter Bunny?” “Wow that just broke my heart a little.” Justin pats me on the back. I know it is hard to get over but damn why I had to see that. We called the police to meet us there after at that very moment. All of a sudden. Out from the back office comes walking Christine and the big guy himself. I hug Christine and hell I even hug Santa. Somehow, in all the fun we have lost Justin and Jamie. Jamie is stripping on Justin. ‘Looks like we have a love connection!!!!” I say. We all get in the sleigh and one last time we hit the home button.
We arrive in the control room. Everyone is still singing in the Source room. We walk in there with Santa and Christine. Everyone starts to celebrate. It reminds me of Return of the Jedi. The only thing missing was some puppets. That would be what would make me giggle however. We all walk into the workshop. Santa, told the elves it is time to bring the best Christmas to the boys and girls around the world. It is all cause of this man right here. Santa, puts his arm around me. This is a moment, I will never forget ever. I am just saying. We go back to celebrating and him preparing for his midnight ride. Christy, takes my arm and whispers in my ear. We need to talk. She leads me into the control room to sit down and talk.
“I want to sit and talk to you. This time it has to be face to face and no jokes” Christine Says
“That is fine” I responded.
“I think you’re a great person. You have the biggest heart I have seen of anyone I have met in a long time. Why do you care so much of finding someone? The right girl will just come along and you know that better than anyone.” Christine said.
“You always go after the wrong women. Never someone who will support what you do. You pick the women that treat you like shit. You either go after a runner, chicks who will lie to you including about pregnancy, and most recent, your health keeps getting brought up. Damn it if they actually cared about you, that wouldn’t mean a damn thing. They should worry about your happiness and making sure they love you and not 15 people and a bisexual bunny.” she says to me.
“That was all kinds of messed up wasn’t it.” I responded. “I am going to do something better. I am going to worry about what matters at the moment. I am going to focus more on my comedy and writing. Are we good Christine?”
“I do have one more question.” Christine says as she looks at me with a sad face.
“What’s wrong?” I say
“Is what Dan Said true?” She replies.
“What do you mean?” I say.
“You know damn well what I mean! Is it true?” Christine said.
I have a very hesitant look. My stomach has fallen to the floor. With a heavy heart. “Yes, Christine.”
“If you love Christmas so much, how could you have been the mastermind behind the whole thing?” Christine looks pissed.
“The last two years has been tough on me. There hasn’t been one thing that has made me feel like I was me again. I got sick. I am limited to what I can do. Get mad at me if you want. But, I don’t have so much of a family. I wanted to bring everyone together, my friends are my family. I wanted them here with me for Christmas. That is why I did it. I wanted my family with me. I wanted the all under one roof. Cause that is what you, and they are. They are my family. That is why I set this all up.”
Christine looks at me. She gets up. “I am not going to tell anyone the truth, but it does hurt.”
We walk back into the workshop. She takes over position as lead elf and starts getting ready for the long night ahead. She tells all of us, it is time to get ready for the big night. The idea of a party has been suggested and it will be at the Solitude of Nerdom on Christmas Day.
Christmas Day. We are all together under one roof except one person, Christine. Everyone is in the Solitude drinking eggnog with A Christmas Story playing on the TV. Anna is never washing her lips again. Matthew is still in cuffs being watched by Ziva and Mcgee. Gibbs is standing over there, hitting Chris in the back of the head every time he talks about William Shatner. Cary has got a bandage around her tongue and can’t talk. That kind of saves us all. Nick is with the porn chick, this guy just hit Christmas every day. Alan Thicke, is showing that smile again. Alex is nowhere to be found. Shauna and the other elves are singing karaoke. I am hoping one of them will sing Britney and dress like her too. It’s a dream only a man can love. Cody and Jackson are playing the 360 while Danielle, Anglo Fro and Bridget are cooking. Everyone else is shooting some bad ass pool games. I am sitting here taking this all in. This is the moment I have always wanted. Everyone all together at one time. Still wish Christine was here. The movie took a commercial. We saw a preview for an action Christmas movie starring Arnold. He plays Santa and is trying to save Christmas by shooting people out of a sleigh. Honestly, he says “Get to The Sleigh” I couldn’t stop laughing. I asked all the elves, “Did they actually approve that?” The door bells rings at that very second. I open the door. “We did approve it. Cause it looks BADASS.” Christine says at the door. She gives me a hug. “Let’s get this party started!!!” Christine says. I know that this is what Christmas is all about.