(Note From Richard: The Naughty List is my one of my favorite Christmas stories from the past 6 years. This one has it all, including for the first time, drama. The 13 Days of Christmas begin on Dec. 13th.)
Another year has passed since the last time we have had the opportunity to talk. Last year, my friends and I had to rescue Santa, not for the first time but for the second time. Santa is kind of turning into a Damsel in Distress. The only down side about that is a woman shouldn’t have that much facial hair. In all fairness, I can make you a guarantee right now. He will not be kidnapped this year. Why? I know that is what is going through your pretty little heads. It dreams of Sugar Plums dancing and how can this guy have a Christmas story without Santa being kidnapped? This year is a little different. Wait! I take that back. This year is a lot different. I want you to sit back and grab your favorite nonalcoholic beverage. I have a story that is going to make you shake your head and wet yourself at the same time. Let me start with started the whole thing in the first place. My health. The struggle has been a little easier than it was. Knowing what is wrong with me now is helping me be able to cope. The headaches will not go away but I have been able to live my life as normal as possible. Well, as normal as one could be.
Since last Christmas, I have lost touch with a couple of people that were very close to me. If you remember the head elf, Christine and I were kind of an item two years ago. Last year she left me for a guy who works for the Easter Bunny. Easter Bunny, gayest character in all of the land. The only eggs that bunny will be getting close to is of the chocolate kind. Their relationship tanked and I haven’t heard from her. I think part of it has to do with the fact I changed my phone number. If you really don’t want to talk to someone, become smart. Change those 7 digits and your world will change forever. I do wonder in the back of my head if she is doing alright but as a giant guy with a big head once told me, there are plenty of elves at the North Pole and I go for a different character.
After all of that last drama last Christmas, I decided to move away again. I figure I would move away to a magical faraway place, where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer. I figured out that was a giant lie when I got there it was overcast and the air reeked of desperation. Desperation has the smell of dung and urine. Google it kids or just ask anyone who has ever been in the Real World House. I went out there so I could meet someone new. I have been getting hit from characters all across the board for some of this sexy piece of man meat. You help and harm Santa at the same time, you attract everybody. I went out there to meet The Tooth Fairy. Here is some advice to all the little ones reading this. There is a reason that The Tooth Fairy comes while you are sleeping. She is a kind of bitchy. I watched a video of her beat down a child for just talking in his sleep. How do you think she treats a boyfriend? I decided that wasn’t the best place for me plus I didn’t need her messing up my money maker. (My Face) So I hopped on The Polar Express and made my way back home.
One day I get an invitation in the mail. I am 28 years old and getting a letter in the mail that isn’t a bill makes me feel like a 7 year old watching Blue’s Clues. I figured the invite was for a birthday party or for Frosty the Snowman son’s Bar Mitzvah. A secret that not many of you know, Frosty is Jewish. Who knew right? This invite was for a wedding. Now, who in the world would be getting married? “You are cordially invited to celebrate the wedding of Kristopher Santa Claus Kringle and The AngloFro!!!” You have to be kidding? This is a joke right. First of all you for you that have missed the last two years. Something is wrong with you and you need to catch up right now. The AngloFro is your typical middle aged white woman with the Superpower to grow an Afro that would make Pam Greer jealous. Two years ago, she rescued Santa from the evil clutches of Shaggy and The Murph. Really, the only reason that they met was because of who was the mastermind behind both kidnappings. I made that happen kids. I guess they had been sneaking around and not telling anyone that they were seeing anyone. Those crazy youngsters.
The time came for the wedding and I wasn’t able to make it. I had some obligations to take care of with my mother who is in the Nursing Home. How do you buy a wedding gift for a couple who employs 100s of women that can make anything at any given moment? Decisions. I decided to send them the one thing that no one really wants or uses, unless you are making some sort of mixed drink. I sent them a blender. It’s all I could come up with in such short notice. Give me a break, at least it wasn’t a toaster or a Wal-Mart gift card. Shit! I should have sent a Wal-Mart gift card. However, I digress, from the pictures I have seen them on Facebook, and they were beautiful. I will give you a guess as to what the color scheme was? If you guessed anything other than Red and White, you are a dumb ass. Do not pass go and do not collect $200. The best part of it all was hearing the AngloFro’s daughters, My two sisters Danielle and Bridget, get pissed when we were telling them that their new Daddy knows when you have been bad or good. Needless to say I have a few bruises on me from that joke and one I will never make in their presence again.
Since then, it has all been quiet and relatively boring. I live an exciting life boys and girls. Well, Christmas time has come again. I am thinking this year I am going to get to have a peaceful holiday time. No, trying to rescue anyone. Just sit back and watch all the Christmas Specials, I can before my eyes bleed. I turn on the TV and find the channel to be on Nickelodeon. Don’t judge me. I know I am 28, and have no kids but damn it, SpongeBob is on. It was the Christmas special where you get to see his first Christmas. I was excited like a kid on Christmas morning. Could I have not picked a better to describe how I was feeling? Screw it! It’s Christmas. The theme song started. I was getting all giddy. I even let out a squee. I just said squee in a really excited voice. This is not helping me in my man status at all but I have to tell the back story. The theme starts and right before the end of the song, there was a knock at the door. I get up knowing that my Popcorn would become cold and my Pepsi would become flat. I was a little sad but I don’t want to be rude. I get to the door and there is a guy in a Brown Suit looking at me. “Are you Richard? “He asked. “Depends. Are you going to try and have sex with me because shorts aren’t really that flattering? In all honesty they make your hips look fat.” I have never seen a man become more self-conscious about his body in my life. “Yes. I am.” I responded hoping to make there be less awkward in this situation. “I have a package for you.” He hands one of the biggest boxes, I have ever seen. The word Fragile is written on it. I am thinking I have seen this before. Have I won a major award for knowing that The Lone Rangers Cousin’s Horse was named Victor? He gets the box in the living room and leaves. “I wonder what is inside the box.” I thought out loud. Saying I talked to myself would have made me sound a little crazy. Am I right?
There are more important matters to take care of. The fact that the SpongeBob Christmas special was on television. I sit back down on the couch with my not warm popcorn and surprisingly still fizzy soda. Just as I was going to take a bit of popcorn, someone is at the door again. I guess I am popular today. The only thing I want to do is watch SpongeBob. I get up, step over the giant box that is now sitting in the living room floor. Open the door, just to hear a bunch of people singing Christmas carols off key. They are also dressed like they are out of Dickens books. “I didn’t know a community theater went out of business somewhere.” I said to the carolers. I am not drunk enough for this. Right before I slam the door in their face, a man dressed like Tiny Tim said “Merry Christmas and God Bless Everyone.” I decided in that moment that it wasn’t good enough, so I walked outside to my patio and kicked his crutch out from under him. Don’t gasp. He can walk just fine. It was more symbolic than anything.
I can now get back to SpongeBob. I climb over the box and right before I sit down, there is another knock at the door. I swear if it is Dickens’ caroling group this is going to be one of those Worst of times situations. I open the door. “Would you like a Watchtower?” I just slammed the door. I am getting frustrated in my old age I guess. I crawl back over the box when suddenly, there was a special news bulletin on the T.V. I was scratching my head because I didn’t know Nick showed news bulletins. The Bulletin was from the show and site TMZ. I was livid to say the least. There was Harvey Levin. A name and a face that should send a chill down any teen star’s spine. He started to talk to us and what he had to say blew my mind at least.
“We have breaking news from the North Pole. A picture has been sent into TMZ showing that Santa Claus has had an affair on Mrs. Claus.”
“HOLY SHIT!” Was the only thing I was able to say at that moment? I was in shock to say the least. I couldn’t believe it.
“Mrs. Claus’s divorce is now final. In that divorce she has control of all the assets of Santa Claus, including the elves, the reindeer and the naughty or nice list.”
The upside is a family member is in charge of this but the downside is a family member is in charge.
“A Press Conference is about to happen at The North Pole. We are about to go there live where the world will hear a statement from Mrs. Claus.”
Shit is about to get real.
“Mrs. Claus has taken the podium. Let’s hear what she has to say.”
“A couple of days ago, I found out that my husband and one true love Kris had cheated on me with some floozy. I didn’t believe it when I first heard it. Who would believe that their love is cheating on them? Then I received an email with a picture attached. The picture that was attached made the tears start flowing from my eyes. I couldn’t believe it. I told it was over and I wanted a divorce. The biggest thing I have to say is that, I, Myself, have placed Kris Kringle on the NAUGHTY LIST. With that being said, I just want to ensure all the boys and girls that Christmas will go along as planned like it does every year. We are in the process of looking for someone to take Santa’s spot. Thank you and Merry Christmas.”
If I wasn’t seeing this with my own two eyes, I wouldn’t believe it at all. Harvey of TMZ came back on the screen.
“If you are under 18, we are about to show the picture that could kill Christmas forever. Please remember this is of an adult nature.”
The picture came onto the screen as I was taking a drink of my Pepsi, patiently waiting for my SpongeBob special to come back on. All of a sudden I look up to see Santa isn’t wearing any pants, lying in the same bed next to CHRISTINE. Needless to say the picture of Santa and his head elf made me spit soda all over my popcorn. Nobody likes soggy popcorn……… Nobody. My cell phone started to ring. The eerie Joe Diffie music indicates that Danielle was on the other end. If you know Danielle, she hates drama and this my friend is a big heaping bowl of it. However, she had a tone that was a little different than we all expected. “Santa is just a typical guy.” Instead of hello that is the greeting I was met with. Sounds about right. We are bantering back and forth as to what we could do. I tell her to come over and bring everyone so we could work out a plan. How is a guy supposed to watch SpongeBob around here with all of this?
I sit back down, and there is another knock at the door. If it is those damn carolers again or my family, I am going to channel my inner Sting. Not the singer that sings creepy songs, the wrestler and beat them down with a baseball bat like Sting did with the nWo. I just dated myself right there didn’t I? I pick the baseball bat and I fling the door open acting like Reggie Jackson in the World Series. I drop the bat and my mouth drops. I now have that dick in mouth look. The person at the door was, Santa Claus.
“You have to help me. You’re my only hope.”
I am Santa Claus’s Obi-Wan Kenobi. That is all kinds of bad ass.
Santa goes on. “Richard, you know I would never cheat on my wife or do anything to hurt my elves. They are my family. Why would I sleep with one of them? You have to believe me.”
“Santa, before you get your stockings in a bunch, I can’t see you doing anything like this.” I say to an unholy big guy. “You saved me twice, granted, you caused my kidnapping twice. Speaking of which I owe you.” Santa says as he walks up to me and gives me a Holiday Fruitcake Bitch Slap. “I have to keep my present giving hand strong.” He says. We both have a good chuckle and realize we need to get back to business.
“I have been framed, hoodwinked, and bamboozled. I was set up and the only person that is going to be able to figure that out is you.” He says to me with a concerned look on his face. “Where is Christine? Why can’t she help you?” I replied.
“The day of the wedding to the AngloFro, Christine was really upset about the whole thing. She got up and left during the ceremony. She packed her stuff up and left the workshop. I have tried everything I could to find her but haven’t had any luck at all. No one has seen her.”
At that moment, Danielle, Jackson, Angel, Cody and Victoria walk into my living room. Have you ever seen a rooster when his feathers get ruffled up? Picture that in your head when Jackson and Victoria walked into the room. All they know is that Santa cheated on their Grandma, he is telling me something different. Who am I to believe?
“Please don’t hurt me!” Santa exclaims with fear. Jackson and Victoria couldn’t say anything but they were wanting to hurt the big guy. All of a sudden a voice can be heard from the back of the room. All of stop dead in our tracks. Jackson and Victoria’s fist about to hit Santa’s face, I am in the middle of it all, Danielle just stands there looking pretty but the voice came from Kody. “He is innocent. That was not the AngloFro in that press conference.” “Kody can talk?” I questioned.
“You were mute the last two fucking years, we fought zombies, you get lost and this is the time you choose to talk? What in the hell, bro?” Jackson pretty much says what the entire room was thinking and that goes for Santa as well except for Angel. She had no clue what was going on, and it was probably better for her in the long run.
“Has anyone talked to AngloFro or Bridget?” Danielle says as she pulls out her cell phone and dials her mother but to her surprise there was no answer. She calls up her sister but instead of ringing the phone just went straight to voicemail. Danielle’s face turned as white Kristen Stewart at the end of Breaking Dawn 2. “I am telling you something is wrong with all of this!!!” Kody says with his second line of the story.
“The mute one is right. I know you guys think I am a terrible person but I loved your mother/grandmother since the day she untied me. I know there is something else going on here. That is why I am asking for your help. Richard, I need your help in finding out what is really going on up there at the North Pole. I have just enough magic left to send you to a secret spot where you will meet some of the elves and your team. You will need the sleigh with the Flux Capacitor. You will need to be able to jump from story to story. The weight of Christmas is on your shoulders. I have a guide that will help you through your journey.” Santa says to me
“So what you are telling me, is that I get to be a fatter version of James Bond. I am already digging this” I replied
“Jackson, Kody, Angel, I feel really sorry for you getting thrown into a mess that you have no idea what is going on but I know you will do fine, and Victoria, I need the four of you to screw up that audition for the new Santa.”
The four of them just nodded their heads yes and poof they were gone.
“The only thing I don’t know how I am going to manage is to make people believe I am naughty until the tasks is done.”
“I can help you with that Santa. That is kind of my specialty.” Danielle says as I throw up Chinese food in my mouth and I haven’t had Chinese food in 6 months.
I thought I was going to get to have a nice peaceful Christmas. I guess instead it’s up my friends and myself again. I smell a Trilogy!!!
So Santa bolted out the door with my sister to learn the ropes of being naughty. I still think there is something completely wrong with that picture but what can one do. He left my house so fast that he forgot to take his hat. I tried to catch them but it was too late. I just walked to the door and whispered you forgot your hat. Hell, if any of you actually had the chance to wear Santa’s hat wouldn’t you take it. I put the hat on and feel a rush take over my body. If this is what it’s like eating a York Peppermint Patty, I have been missing out over all these years. I know I have to get to the North Pole, but I have to wait for my guide to show up and if anyone knows me, I am impatient. I sit down to finally eat my popcorn. I don’t know if any of you have ever tried to eat stale popcorn but the taste the butter leaves on the roof of your mouth is atrocious. I get to wash that down with a soda that is sponsored by the western part of Kansas, it was flat. I guess all I can do is sit and check the Book of Face while I wait.
Kody, Jackson, Angel and Victoria were all transported in a giant magical poof to a sound stage on the island of Misfit Christmas Wishes. They didn’t know it just yet but the audition to become the new Santa was a reality show. This show was based off the hit NBC show America’s Got Talent, there will be four judges and each judge will pick who is best. Then it is up to the residents of the island, the North Pole and other literary places that one may deem imaginary but aren’t really. The only way they were even going to have a shot to disrupt it, was audition and hope that they make the final four.
Danielle takes Santa back to her place. If you think this is going to go in some sort of 50 Shades of Gray storyline, you are only half right. Santa keeps trying to explain himself over and over. “I am innocent!!!” He just keeps saying. Danielle normally doesn’t take people too seriously and realizes that we all make mistakes, believes him though. I think part of it has to do with the fact that you just can’t help but love a fat man in a red and white suit. It’s the law of nature. “Why did you bring me back here, Danielle?” Santa asked while looking puzzled. “The first step of making you become naughtier is that you are going to eat one of my illegal Brownies.” Danielle replies while grabbing a pan of Brownies. Santa looks flabbergasted. “I am not from Colorado or Washington. I ate a special Brownie one year. My life really hasn’t been the same since. So I will not eat your Brownie if it was from a box or with while surfing Mozilla Firefox. I will not eat your brownie, look this would have flowed a lot nicer if pot rhymed with box.” Santa says while getting angry. The big guy went on a rant. “First of all, these brownies do not have any pot in them, they are just better than sex.” Santa can’t do anything but trust her. He brings the brownie up to his lips and all of a sudden, The Hallelujah Chorus starts playing in his head. “I need to use the bathroom.” Santa says. Danielle just points in the direction and Santa heads that way hanging his head in shame.
“I would rather wear pork chop panties in a lion’s den then deal with people.” That is the kind of thing, I read on Facebook while I was waiting for this so called guide to show up. It has been an hour now and all I am reading is statuses about the end of the world and undergarments made with a delicious meat. My life has hit an all-time new low in waiting. All of a sudden, my cell phone goes off. It’s a text message from my sister. “The Process has started. Santa has eaten one of my Brownies. He did the same thing everyone else does for the first time. He jizzed his pants. LOL =D” Well, that is a text message that I have a feeling I will never in my life get again. All of a sudden in the middle of me listening to some Michael Buble Christmas Music, there is a knock at my door. Finally. The guide is here so now we can finally save Christmas. I go open the door and no one is there. I look to the left. I look to the right. My biggest fear is that there was going to be a flaming bag of reindeer Poo somewhere. I hear the knocking again. I am looking around confused as ever. Where in the hell is the knocking coming from? “Knock. Knock. Knock.” This is just getting ridiculous. I am standing in my living room floor with the package I have not opened and I keep hearing knocking. (Look, after reading that I know you are thinking, hey stupid the knocking is coming from the box. Who is telling the story here? Now that is taken care of, where were we?) Knock! KNOCK! I am thinking this is just a Fozzy Bear joke gone completely wrong. I yell out “Who’s there?” A voice coming from the box says “I am in the box!!! Let me out!!” I being the complete dumb ass that I am. “I am in the box!!! Let me out!!! Who?” The next thing said will haunt my life till I am at least 45. “You fucking moron, I am in the box, if you do not let me out, I am going to tie you down,” I hear this voice from the box yelling at me but I have to admit I like where this is going. “Rip off your testicles and tea bag you till you’re forty.” I don’t like it anymore. Needless to say, I found a box cutter. I don’t know about any of you but don’t you want to know if the box cutter is still sharp. Well, I tried that and cut the piss out of myself. I cut the tape and rip back the flaps of the box and all of a sudden this woman comes angrily up out of the packing peanuts. It kind of looked like a Vampire waking up in his coffin, only this was way scarier. She is not even five feet tall but I can say, Santa might have the sexiest staff working for him period. She grabs her walking stick, and hits me in both my shins. “Who the fuck doesn’t open up a package when they get it? What the hell is wrong with you? Do you know by your stupidity, I could have saved you from having to go through half of part 1 if you would have just opened the box?” She yells at me. I am in agonizing pain. Sweet Shin Music will hurt anyone. “I take it you are the guide?” I asked. “What gave you that idea, Colombo? Yes, I am your guide. My name is Laura but I go by Thumbelina.” “Why do they call you that?” I asked but before I could get anything else out. “You don’t get to ask the questions around here. You weren’t locked in a box, were you?” All I could do is look down at the ground and shake my head no. This woman puts me in my place and quick. “We are going to be going to the North Pole where we will be able to get what need to underground. This is not going to be like the last two years. This will not be easy and there is a possibility that people will die. Are you willing to risk all of that to save the holiday that matters most to everyone?” If only the national anthem would have been playing behind her as she said that, I think a tear would have come to my eye. “I am not doing anything else today so why not?” I was trying to look all bad ass, it was worth a shot. “To put your mind at ease a little we have an inside man as a judge in the competition to pick a new Santa. You need to text that to the others. Now, we need to be on our way.” I hate this part, here comes a giant flash of light and poof. I am heading back to the North Pole again.
Victoria gets a text from me while they are trying to figure out what they are going to do for their audition. “A judge is on our side. I think you will know who it is when they announce the all four of them.” A voice comes booming down off a P.A. System. “Will the judges please take your positions? The Easter Bunny in chair one. Stick Figure Dan in chair number two. Suzy Snowflake in chair number three. Alan Thicke in chair number four. If you guessed anyone other than Alan Thicke as the inside man, you win a version of our home game. Kody and Jackson are trying to figure out what their audition should be. They are surrounded by people and characters from all walks of like and stories. They know they are going to have to do something over the top that no one else is going to do. “We could just go out there and get naked.” Jackson says just because he wants to be naked all the time. The girls shoot him a look that could have melted the polar ice caps. The girls want to do a dance and singing number. Jackson is very opposed. Kody on the other hand, is all about this. “I have an idea. I brought sheet music and know the dance moves to a song. There are four parts. Guys, we could rock this. I know we could. Hell, we could win this.” Kody hands them the sheet music. Jackson has this puzzled look on his face, “First you don’t talk for two stories, then you grow a pair, and now you tell me you’re a fan of musical theater. Seriously, bro?” Kody looks at Jackson, “Do you have any other ideas besides being naked?” Jackson shakes his head no. Angel is still confused as to what is going on but she is just going to go along with it. “Angel and Victoria are here to look cute, you are the muscle and I am the voice. No Pun intended.”
Santa comes back from the bathroom all cleaned up. “I don’t know what you have in those Brownies but I sure as hell know that it isn’t from heaven.” Danielle knows the evil goodness those brownies possess. “The next thing I want you to do to prove that you are naughty is I want you to sit down and watch the movies, The Full Monty and Secretary.” Santa is confused like a reindeer with antlers. “Brownies and movies? How does this help make me naughty?” Santa asks as he goes plops a sit on the couch. “ Being Naughty is just not something you can do from one minute to the next, it is a skill crafted over many years and we are going to have to cram those many years into one weekend. You will need to watch these two movies and take notes, because the next part of your training is going to possibly break you.” Santa looks scared but knows he has to stomach through this.
“And now here is the host of Santa’s Got Talent, A guy we feel to be a little bit better than Nick Canon, ok, we take that back, we find him to be a lot better than Carson Daly, Neil Patrick Harris.” The four them back stage mouths just hit the floor. It’s NPH. I mean who doesn’t love them some NPH. They are getting ready to bring out the first contestant. Victoria notices that a lot of the contestants are Santa’s elves. The first contestant is Brianna. She worked for the big guy starting last year. He has never hired guys. “Why are you auditioning?” Victoria asked all puzzled. “I wish I could tell you but I can’t. SHE is watching.” Brianna looks afraid. It seems that she is in great danger but Victoria cannot put her finger on it as to why. A call goes out for Brianna to take the stage. Victoria comes running back to the others. “Guys, something is up with all of this. It just seems off.” Victoria shows Jackson and Kody that the elves and some of the team to help save Christmas was there. “Something just doesn’t add up.” Jackson says. NPH takes the stage, “Now from the North Pole, here is Brianna showing why she should be picked as the next Santa.” The four of them look at each other wondering what is going to happen. They turn to the monitors to watch and what they seen horrified them. Brianna comes out there and paints snowflakes on her fingernails. The girls were hoping that when she came backstage, she could paint their nails like that. They thought it was very cute. All of a sudden, The Easter Bunny hits the X. Suzy hits her X. Dan hits his X. The only person not to hit their X was Alan Thicke. “And now we will get the judges’ opinions. First we still start off with Frosty, “They are cute but in that 14 year old, I am just in high school way. She would not approve.” The always colorful Dan is next. “Michael J. Fox, could have done a better job in an earthquake.” Suzy throws her two cents in. “Cute but She hated it.” and Alan Thicke brings up the end. “I didn’t think it was bad. I enjoyed it.” “Don’t worry about him, Canadians are much different than us. It was three to one. “You must now visit, SHE.” Bri with tears rolling down her cheeks heads up a flight of stairs. No one actually sees what happened in that room she entered but all you could hear was a scream and then dead silence.
“I really must admit, I hate that poofing thing.” I say to Thumbelina. “We have arrived at the North Pole. I am just warning you. It is not the same as you remember it from last year. Actually nothing is the same.” I turn around to look at the building that was known as Santa’s home. The workshop, the place where all my friends gathered the last two years to save Christmas. My home away from home, that if you don’t count all the other places that I live. My face turned as white as the snow. I couldn’t believe my eyes as to what was happening. The place wasn’t red and green anymore. It was a very troubling shade of gray. The fence that used to be made of snow has been replaced with concrete and barb wire. The tower that navigates Santa’s journey on Christmas Eve had a sign over it. A Silhouette of a body and it says “SHE is Watching.”I felt like I may have bitten off more than I can chew this year. “We need to head into the tunnels. I have some people that you are going to be very happy to see.” Thumbelina says to me. We climb down a ladder as if we are going to be heading into the sewer of the North Pole. Look, I know women don’t poop. It is just logic that just does not happen. But I have a very bad feeling what it is going to smell like when we got down there. We head down and I am trying to hold my breath. I am fat so that just doesn’t work that long. I breathed in but the aroma I smelt was not one I was expecting. “Thumbelina, this is just a question out of the blue, but why does it smell like freshly baked cookies down here?” Thumbelina does that little giggle thing that all girls do when they know an answer that you don’t. “If you must know, that is what Santa Claus’s waste smells like.” I am a little disgusted and hungry at the same time. We keep heading down the tunnel. Finally, we reach a door. “Behind that door, is your team for this year and the sleigh you will need to complete your journey. I will be going with you. I just said that for dramatic effect. Did it work?” “My heart is pounding almost through my chest.” I replied. I open the door to only find three people but this guy has no complaints. It’s my old buddy Justin. He helped me the last two years. It’s good to have him back. My friend Chance. We used to cause mischief together back in the old days and my friend Erin. That guy always had my back when it came to anything. I feel like we are the much lazier version of The A Team. I am wondering where everyone else is. “Man, I have some bad news.” Justin says to me. “Everyone else was here. We were going to be able to do this in maybe two tries but a few buffed up guys came in with guns. They took everyone but us and I don’t know why.” Out of nowhere Thumbelina piped up from the back. “I know why.” “Please enlighten us mystical genie from the cardboard box.” Erin says and then looks at me, “I keep up with your Facebook.” Thumbelina hits me in the shin again. “SHE kidnapped your team and is making them audition to become Santa. Three of the four judges know who to get rid of. Once they get told no, they have to go upstairs and confront SHE. After that, I have no clue what happens to them but you can only think the worst.”
Santa finishes watching his two movies. The only difference now is that he feels a little weird. I mean, who wouldn’t after watching The Full Monty and Secretary back to back. Suddenly, Santa hears a loud muffler. Danielle has fallen asleep in the chair. He is curious and goes to investigate it. Just as he walks into the kitchen the door comes flying open and there stands one of the two men that has kidnapped him the last two years. The Murph. “Hell No. Not this year. Get the fuck away from me. I will not be kidnapped.” “I am not here to kidnap you…..” Santa goes in charging at The Murph causing one of the most interesting fights this side of The Mississippi. Fists are flying, Flour is flying, and Cats are flying. It is one knock down drag out fight. This brawl in the kitchen wakes Danielle up from her Brownie coma. Hell hath no fury like a woman pissed over a messy kitchen. “Stop IT!!!! Before I have to whip both your asses.” They both froze solid standing in a puddle of their own urine. “Santa, The Murph is not here to do anything to you but get you drunk. I called him in for some help.” The Murph puffs out his chest and says his motto, “Anything is possible with a Bud Light in my hand and that includes turning the nicest guy in the world to a loud mouth naughty redneck.” Santa, Danielle and The Murph sit down to have what I have deemed the weirdest drinking party ever. They are chasing Tequila with Bud Light. It’s about to get silly up in here bitches. They turn on the TV just to have some noise in the background.
“Ashley and Eric, none of our judges thought quoting Mallrats and Monty Python made you worthy of being Santa this year. You must now face, SHE.” Ashley and Eric head up the stairs wondering and afraid of what was about to happen. You could hear two screams and then silence.
One round of booze in everyone and no one is feeling a thing. “I just wanted to let you know I am sorry for kidnapping you the last two years. No hard feelings.” The Murph says to Santa with a little twinkle in his eye. “Fuck You!” Santa replies. That wasn’t very nice was it?
“Nick, your guitar was playing very well tonight but “SHE” didn’t approve of the song. I am sorry the judges and “SHE” said no. That is what you get for playing Carly Rae Jepsen.” Nick starts to take the walk up the stairs. He looks at the camera and mouths “Someone Help Us.” He enters the room and you hear a scream and dead silence.
The second round of booze complete. Now the three of them are just starting to quote the movie Super Troopers. I didn’t know Santa was into stoner movies. Maybe there was something more in that special Brownie that he was given.
“Jill, The judges think you are hot and the fact your talent was just coming out here and standing wearing a Santa’s little helper costume, well that automatically put you in the finals “SHE” is pleased.” “Is she a straight transsexual?” asks Kody jokingly. Backstage the tension is mounting on the four of them. They know this is going to have to be something special to be placed in the finals.
After the third round, Santa is starting to tell very graphic details about his life. “Want to know why I have no guys working for me?” Santa says drunk as a skunk. “Cause I would constantly be having threesomes.” The Murph and Danielle just look at each other with this disgusted look cause they just found out Santa is a little bi-curious.
“Carolyn, you can make a smoothie like no one’s business and might have been put in The Buzz Kill Blogs Hall of Hotties, but you are no Santa. “SHE” is waiting for you.” Carolyn walks up the stairs and you could see the fear in her eyes. She had no idea if she was going to ever get to see her fiancé again. You hear a scream and then silence.
Round four is in the books, Santa is getting all weird. He has found an old cardboard box and put it on his head pretending to be a Jedi. He is using his boot as a light saber. Danielle and The Murph don’t feel a thing. They are trained drinking professionals and should not be tried by anyone at home.
“Tonya, the judges loved your reading of the scene from the soap opera One Life to Live. We think you have the acting ability to make it as the next Santa. You are moving on to the finals.” It was just about time for the four of them to get up and perform. They had two acts in front of them. This was a do or die situation and they knew that.
Round 5 and Santa has become a little whiny bitch. A grown man is crying over the fact his Daddy didn’t ever play catch with him or ever let him watch anything starring Tim Allen. Danielle knew she was getting close to her plan. To get Santa drunk enough to admit the truth. Alcohol is a great truth serum.
“Amee, I am not sure how you eat beef jerky and ribs showed how you could be the next Santa. You have not been chosen. Before you see “SHE” please use a breath mint.” Amee climbed the stairs not knowing what was behind that door. Another scream and dead silence.
Round 6. Danielle felt the time was right. “Santa what actually happened?” Santa looked up wiping snot away from his nose. “Remember that Special Brownie! I was telling you about?” Danielle replies, “Yes.” “It has to do with that.”
“Julie, no one reads poetry unless in Def Poetry Jam or trying to get a girl to date you kindergarten. I am sorry but you are not Santa. “SHE” is waiting.” Julie climbs the stairs. She wishes this was just a story on some website. The time had come for Jackson, Kody, Angel and Victoria to audition to be the next Santa. The pit in their stomach got bigger and bigger. The nerves started taking over each one of them individually. Suzy Snowflake ask them for their names. One by one each of them say their name as if they were reading a last will and testament. The lights dim. Kody moves to the front of the stage and starts to sing.
“Dearly beloved We gather here to say our goodbyes (Dies irae, dies illa) Here she lies (Kyrie eleison) (Yitgadal v’yitkadash) No one knew her worth The late great daughter of Mother Earth On these nights when we celebrate the birth
In that little town of Bethlehem We raise our glass, you bet your ass to La vie Boehme.”
The four of them were singing the song La Vie Boehme from the musical Rent. The crowd is stunned, the judges are stunned, and the world is stunned. It was like a skinny Susan Boyle and her Pips. The performance ends and everyone is on their feet. Who knew that quiet kid was a fan of Rent? NPH, goes down the lines asking each judge what they thought. They picked the right song, it appealed to the gay in the Easter Bunny. It appealed to the sexual side of Dan. It appealed to Suzie because it’s a musical and it appealed to Alan Thicke, because he is Alan Thicke. “That was the best performance of the night. “SHE” is pleased and the four of you have made the finals.
“I got a package in the mail one day. It was a batch of brownies. I decided to eat one and my mind became really fuzzy. I hit the ground. I didn’t know what had come over me. The next time I wake up, I am lying in the snow with really big guys holding guns over me. They were telling me, SHE doesn’t want you here anymore. You were only a jerk to SHE. Leave now before SHE kills you.” Danielle in that very second seconds grabs her phone and begins texting someone.
The five of us are in this room in the sewer trying to plan out our move of attack. All of a sudden my phone goes off. “I guess there are more bars in more places.” Chance says with a thumbs up and we all have a good giggle. The text message read. “Really big guys made Santa leave at gunpoint. It’s not the AngloFro. She had to be kidnapped, but who is behind it.” We decided that there was only one place to go in this sleigh and that was to the audition. I feel like we are going to end up in a war. “The time has come. We must head to the audition.” Thumbelina says to us. The five of us pile into the sleigh. I am getting ready to hit the button. Erin screams out, “To Infinity and Beyond.” I hit the button and poof.
The four of them pile off stage and the celebration begins. All four of them are jumping up and down like they had won a beauty pageant. “I can’t believe that worked. I am sorry I doubted you Kody.” Jackson says after he almost crushes his friend with the world’s biggest bro hug. Victoria is all smiles. Angel on the other hand is very worried about the people who don’t make the finals. She notices Julie still standing on staircase crying. She walks up the stairs to her. She puts her arms around her, gives her a hug and asks “Do you want me to go with you?” Julie nods her head. Julie opens the door and a voice says, “Goodbye Julie.” A trap door opens and sends her falling down into a dungeon. The trap door closes. Angel is standing there in shock. The voice of SHE asks “Who are you?” Angel scared, knows she must respond. “My name is Angel.” SHE is wondering, “Why is a finalist up here?” “The girl that you just dropped was crying. I wanted to let her know it was all going to be ok. I guess my question to you is, who are you?” Angel asked.
“I am never going to get to give the good boys and girls of the world again presents because of this.” Santa says with tears running down his eyes. It is what he lived for. It was his passion. It made him the happiest guy in the world and it was all taken away from him. He got up. Danielle and The Murph looked on in disbelief. Santa staggered towards the kitchen drunk off his ass. Nothing says being sad more like drinking booze when a life altering event has happened. They get up to follow him but when they arrived in the kitchen they were met with a sight that may not be able to be erased from their brains ever again. Santa had taken off his pants and was chowing down on uncooked cookie dough. “Cookie dough is all I have left from the happy life that I had made myself. I had it all. I was just like every normal guy, if they had reindeer and a sleigh and sexy elves and all the sweets a man could eat. The day I got married and my head elf left, it has not been the same since.” Danielle is furious. She cannot take the weeping anymore. “Damn it. Stop trying to kill yourself with Nestle Toll House Cookie Dough and put your damn pants on. This is no time to be sitting around here like a woman in her mid-40s with 28 cats.” The Murph had to throw in his two cents. “Yeah, you don’t want to be like Danielle.” Danielle whips her head around like the little girl in The Exorcist. “You can kiss my ass!” She says in a deep anger that not many people have ever heard before. “I don’t have all day!” The Murph replies in a smart ass way. While they are bantering back and forth Santa is still munching on his cookie dough. Danielle walks over to Santa and slaps the roll of cookie dough out of his hand. “You can’t be naughty and eat cookie dough.” Santa looks up at Danielle with a sad face. They help the big guy up to his feet, put his pants back on if it’s not awkward enough and head back to the living room to see who was going to be chosen as the fourth and final finalist in the Santa competition.
NPH comes out on stage and tells everyone that the next contestant is from Halloweentown. “The next person wanting to be Santa is the creepiest guy in the contest. Here is Jack Skellington.” Jack takes the stage to perform the song, What’s This. Maybe it was ironic or coincidental or really good comedic timing. Jack starts singing the song, “What’s This, There is magic in the air. What’s This ThebkjBFKglkzdbklgbjdlkzbgfzlbkglzkbnlzgnbl;hjF:SJglknbxlghS:Lfnv,ldbn;sfnlvblkhSfnvlkdhbfzx;vn.”
“Do you feel like we hit something?” Chance says. All of our eyes are closed. We are scared this thing took us to something stupid again. There is no way we actually ended up in the right place on the first try. “Hey, dumb asses! Open your eyes. We are here.” Thumbelina says to us. “Oh by the way, I am not sure any of you want to know or not. We landed on Jack the Pumpkin King.” Justin, Erin, and I look at each other in horror. We just start busting out laughing. “Running gags are the best!” Erin says looking at the judges with a nice well placed creepy thumbs up. The judges were impressed. Alan Thicke says it was the best thing he has seen live, since he was part of Circus of the Stars 12. “I have been wanting to that for years. Than fucker has tried to date rape me time and time again.” Suzy Snowflake tells the five of us. To say the least that felt a little awkward for all of us but they put Erin into the finals.
Jackson, Kody and Victoria are looking all around for Angel. They couldn’t seem to find her at all. They were asking anyone they could find. Stage hands, prop guys, you name it. Jackson was freaking out. He didn’t know if he was going to see his girlfriend again or not. The three of them had looked everywhere but one spot. The stairs that lead to the office of SHE. A sinking feeling hit their stomach. “I hope she is not there.” Victoria said. Jackson is about to head up the stairs like a bull in a china closet. All of a sudden the door comes open and Angel starts walking down the stairs. Her face is a pale white. She takes a deep breath and looks back at the door. She just stops in her tracks and sits down. She begins to cry. Jackson, Kody, and Victoria go to see if she is alright. “Is everything OK babe?” Jackson asks Angel. Angel with a small tremor of fear in her voice begins to tell the story of what happened. “I walked up there with the girl that went before us. SHE told her how horrible her performance was and pulled a lever releasing a trap door. There is a dungeon below that office. You could hear screams of people yelling for help. I heard Bridget, I heard the AngloFro, and I heard many voices. SHE didn’t tell me who SHE was. The only clue that was given to me was that SHE was an acronym for something. SHE also said there is only one person that SHE wants…”
Erin is celebrating his moral victory of not only killing The Pumpkin King but also making the finals in this contest. We all have a good laugh when all of a sudden we see everyone we knew huddled around Angel. We could hear this yell half way across the backstage area. “Is Richard!” The one thing that can strike fear in your heart is walking into a conversation and then hearing your name. Angel then proceeds to tell all of us the story with SHE.
“Maybe there is a way to rescue everyone trapped in the dungeon, win the contest and beat SHE at their own game.” Justin exclaims. All of us trusted an ex-military man. “What do we do?” Chance asks. “I don’t know?” Justin responds really quickly. In that instant I had 16 eyes on me. “Well?” Everyone said at the same time. If this wasn’t happening in real time, I would think that was some magically rehearsed part in a Christmas story on some website somewhere. I thought about it for a minute. “I got nothing.” Thumbelina gets pissed and puts her hand on her hip. I don’t know about you but someone being under 5 feet tall getting pissed is the funniest thing in the world. It’s like watching a dude get hit in the nuts, it’s too good to pass up not laughing. “I have to do everything around here. Jackson, Kody, Victoria, and Angel, you four are going to have to do the final performance like nothing happened. No one can know we are here. Angel, this especially goes for you. You need to forget everything. We will get everyone out of that dungeon. Erin, since you made the finals you are going to have to the same thing. The only thing I ask of you is that you stall for as much time as possible. Chance and Justin, your mission is going to be the toughest. Get the people out of the dungeon to safety. I have a feeling that the two of you can do it. Richard and I will go after SHE, and Jack Skellington will be rotting away with the Corpse Bride. You guys aren’t the only ones able to get in a cheesy joke in this story.” We all disperse to go do our missions.
Danielle gets a text message. “We found out that SHE is an Acronym for something but don’t know what. Thought Santa might know. Any help will do.” Danielle asks Santa the question. Santa looks at her takes a shot and reclines back on the couch only to pass out. The Murph walks over to him and slaps him right across the face. No response. The Murph throws cheap beer on him. No response. He whips out his dick and right before cock slaps Santa, Danielle stops him dead in his tracks. “I have a feeling that he is thinking about.” Another text goes off from Danielle’s cell phone. “We also found the AngloFro and Bridget. They are locked in a dungeon.”
Chance and Justin are trying to find different ways into the dungeon without having to look a horse straight in the mouth. They are checking around the entire place for doors that may just seem out of place. All of a sudden Justin out the corner of his eye notices a door on the stage floor. “We have to be able to do it by not being caught by SHE.” Chance says to Justin. “Maybe right before the first finalist is performing we kill the lights and get to the door as fast as possible. When the lights come back on we should be shutting the door. I think there was a flashlight in the sleigh.” Justin responds. Sure enough when the two of them went to check the sleigh there were two flashlights looking at them. The next part was making sure they kill the light without being seen. Justin comes up with this fail proof plan. Chance walks over to the lights trying not to cause attention to himself. The first performer in the finals has taken the stage. It was Jill. This was going to be the perfect time if they were going to pull it off. The lights go out, Chance takes off running for the stage. A commotion could be heard from all the stage hands. When the lights came back on, a naked Justin stood where Jill stood. He starts singing Jingle Bells and opens the door. In a flash they were both gone in an instant.
I am waiting for a text message back from Danielle as to what SHE could mean. It was going to be the only way we were going to be safe if we confronted SHE. Thumbelina went from being super motivated to worry. “I know this is going to sound weird but I have known you for a long time!” She says to me. I am puzzled. “Stalk much?” “I was there the last two years and you had no idea.” “What do you mean?” I asked…
Justin and Chance are heading down this long hallway. “I don’t know if it’s bad timing or not, but since the dungeon in under a staircase does that mean everyone down here is like Harry Potter?” Justin asks Chance. They both have a slight giggle at their reference. The two of them were having a good laugh when all of a sudden they come up to a door. This door is metal and it seems to be locked so tight no one can get in or out. Justin tries the push pull method to no luck at all. Justin keeps trying and keeps trying. “Justin?” But Justin doesn’t listen to Chance and keeps trying to open the door. “Justin!” No response as Justin keeps trying to be like the Hulk and pull that door off of its hinges. “JUSTIN” Chance screams at the top of his lungs. “WHAT?!?!” Justin yells back. “I have the key.” Chance says with a calm rational voice. “That would make things a lot easier.” Justin says. Chance opens the door to find one of the most horrific sights in his life. People are hurt. Broken legs, Broken Ribs. The drop has even caused a few of them to perish. It was hard to see but they knew they had to get the people who were still alive out. “I have always wanted to say this. Get into the sleigh if you want to live.” Elves and friends came hobbling out of that dungeon in a line heading to the sleigh. Chance and Justin couldn’t believe the strength that some of these people had.
“I know you have been down for the last couple of years. I know depression has hit you very hard. Not able to be with your Mom. Your health deteriorating right in front of you. Losing friends left and right. I know there has been days you didn’t want to be here at all. There are days that you wanted to end it all. I was sent to not let that happen. Richard, I am not a guide, I am an angel that here is to protect you. In the last few years I have got to know really well. I have seen the person you are truly. I have to admit it, I have started to develop feelings for you. Your heart might be breaking on the inside, but I want to mend it by giving you my love. Santa owed me a favor. That is why I am here.” Thumbelina says to me. I had no clue how to respond. This was the first time in a long while that someone actually took the time to show me that it was fine to be me. At this moment, my phone makes the notification noise. “Thumbelina it is time.” We get up and start walking up the stairs.
Justin and Chance were met in the hallway by some really big guys. Justin tries punching them and nothing. Chance slaps one and then runs around in a circle like a maniac. From the back of the line, a short woman with really big hair comes charging to the front of the line. It was the Anglofro and she is out for the revenge. She goes old school WWF on these two clowns. Body slam after body slam, she literally turned them into holiday pretzels. “Give me your damn phone so I can talk to Santa.” Chance hands her his phone afraid for his life.
Danielle’s phone begins to ring. She doesn’t recognize the number. Normally she doesn’t answer calls from numbers she doesn’t know but in this instance, we need to advance the story. She answers the call only to hear her mom on the other end. “I am fine. Put Santa on the phone.” Danielle tries to wake up a passed out Santa but still has no luck. The Murph has the bright idea to put cookie dough under his nose. Santa arose with such a clatter. Danielle hands him the phone. They were both excited to hear each other’s voice. “I know you wouldn’t do that to me” he says. The AngloFro says “I wouldn’t but I know who did. Think about really hard. What would SHE stand for?” Santa pondered for a second and a light bulb went off in his head. “I have to tell Richard.” They say I love you to each other.
We get to the door, I take a deep breath. Thumbelina gives me a hug. “Are you ready?” She says to me. “As ready as one can be!”
Kody, Jackson, Victoria and Angel take the stage for their finals performance.
The prisoners are a piling into the sled one by one.
Thumbelina and I open the door. ‘Where are you?” I said. The room just echoed. There didn’t seem to be a soul in there at all.
Justin and Chance only had the AngloFro and Bridget left to get in the sleigh. “Who is up there with SHE?” The AngloFro asked. “Richard is.” “OH MY GOD” The AngloFro got in the sleigh with a look of concern on her face.
“No One!” Thumbelina said. I walked over to a wall to look around some more and was grabbed into a door that no one could see. Thumbelina caught this out of the corner of her eye. She was able to get into the room without SHE knowing.
“I am finishing this once and for all. I am done with you. I am done with everything you stand for and most importantly, I am going to take over the holiday you most love and there is nothing you can do.” Click, SHE was not the normal bad person, SHE had a gun pointed at the back of my head. “Just give up and take yourself out so I don’t have to. I will just tell people that you finally couldn’t take it anymore. No one is going to care. Not your family, Not your friends, and Not your precious little guardian angel. I told Santa that was a mistake but did he listen to me? Fucking no he didn’t. What respect was I getting over the last two years? Not a damn thing.” SHE exclaims in anger. In the midst of this moment, my phone goes off. It is a text message from Danielle. “You might want to get that.” I reach into my pocket and pull out my cell phone. “I know what SHE Stands for and you are not going to like it. It stands for…..
Kody, Jackson, Angel and Victoria tore down the house with their second performance. They are taking their bows. Erin walks out on the stage and starts doing his, I am Canadian Stand Up. Everything he touches is made in Canada. It’s so stupid that it’s funny. He knows he has to buy Justin and Chance some time to get in the sleigh.
Justin and Chance are with the sleigh, they are about to push the button and return everyone home.
SANTA’S HEAD ELF” A gunshot rang out through the entire studio and then a second one. Everyone stopped dead in their tracks.
Everyone was back in their homes like nothing has ever happened. Danielle, Jackson, Victoria, Kody and Angel are sitting around Danielle’s watching TV. The AngloFro is back at the North Pole while Bridget is in college furthering her education. Justin and Chance were home with their wives celebrating Christmas. The Murph was drinking a beer in a rundown bar somewhere. Santa was back doing what he loves.
I am guessing you are asking what happened to me. Well, that ending was a small miracle. When I read the text message figuring out that Santa’s former Head Elf was behind it all. She pulled the trigger on the gun that she had pointed me. At the same time she pulled the trigger Justin and Chance hit the button on the sleigh. A giant white light and poof. I went with them, just with a gunshot wound in my leg. The only thing that saved me, remember that Santa left his hat at my house and I put it on? Santa’s hat still had some magic in it. As for the second gunshot, Thumbelina, knew where this was going the entire time. Her walking stick was also a loaded weapon. She shot Christine. I remember peeing a little when this all happened.
Right now I am spending Christmas with that guardian angel and I couldn’t be happier with life. I finally found love in one of these stories. I might have a flesh wound that my nurse Amber has brought me some amazing pain killers. I can honestly say I have a new outlook on life and Christmas. Spend each day and every Christmas like it is your last one. Make both special.