(So, where were we? A lot of time has passed. And I was standing there at that train station holding my yellow umbrella. And she walked up to me. And talked about how she had an umbrella just like that and the initials TM for Tracy McConnell, but I knew that the initials were mine for Ted Mosby. And we talked under the roof at that train station at Farhampton after your Uncle Barney’s wedding. And that kids is How I Met Your Mother. Oh fuck. That is not this story. I may have had way too much eggnog today. If you haven’t read part one yet click HERE because I need to reread it myself. Hold on. Ok, when we last left Santa and the future Mrs. Claus, the couple was on their journey to have a night of drunken debauchery. However, there is trouble brewing at the North Pole with the fight starting between Brodie and Norm. Grab some popcorn boys and girls. This is going to be one crazy ride, and you do not want to miss a single second of it.)
Our First stop is at the bachelorette party where the girls have started the party earlier than expected. One man that can mess your world up is named Jose.
“We should do shots.” Laken says to the girls with an excitement of a person on their 21st birthday.
“Does anyone have any booze?” Victoria asks hoping to get the party started as they are sitting in a car traveling to a place with food and a dance bar. She wants to make sure that Bride is willing to have some fun on this very evening.
“I have tequila.” Laken screams as she pulls a gallon jug of Jose Cuervo from her very small purse. The other girls just kind shrug it off but Hannah seems very confused at this feat of magic. She thinks this is something that should be tried in the great city of Branson for a crowd of 15 elderly people in a dinner theater on a Tuesday in the middle of July. Laken is able to catch Hannah’s look. “Don’t worry. It’s a mom thing. Once you have a child, you know that you can pack anything in a purse no matter what the size is.” Victoria and Ashlee agree with the notion of knowing that a purse is a woman’s greatest weapon. Hannah on the other hand is trying to figure out the science and logic of how this woman was able to fit such a big thing in a tiny space. Science classes in college have not prepared her for this.
“And guess who brought shot glasses!” Victoria says with touch of eagerness in her voice. She grabs the bottle from Laken, and rips that top off so quickly, you would think that bottle was a teenager on Prom Night. She pours herself one, Laken one, Ashlee one, but Hannah refuses the tequila knowing that someone is going to have to take care of these drunk asses by the end of the night. Hannah is not dumb by any means, she also knows that if one of these ladies gets so drunk that they admittingly do something stupid, she will have blackmail on them. This thought could lead to a lifetime of fear of people getting drunk around Hannah.
That is a very bold move, but one that could work out in her favor. What will happen? Let’s watch.
The women are getting to make the first and only sober toast of the evening. “Ashlee, you are about to become a married woman to a grown man who makes toys. I am not sure if this is actually going to be a wedding or contractual babysitter’s agreement. But, we love both you and wish you all the happiness in the world. May your love last forever, or until he dies.” Victoria proclaims. She holds up her shot glass and the four ladies toast, Hannah with water.
(Drinking is wonderful experience, but always make sure that you have a designated driver if you are going to be traveling. Also, make sure that your DD is someone who will not take photos of you passed out with your mouth around a hot dog pretending it was the bartender. Is that foreshadowing? Maybe.)
Drink after drink, the ladies continue to laugh and have a good time as Jose makes it way to their stomachs. A warm sensation starts to hit their bellies as if they are eating a York Peppermint Patty. The car has just arrived at the destination. It is a Coyote Ugly kind of club, but more unknown because we are cheap and have some standards in life. Plus, we also do not like Leann Rimes. The ladies get out of the car. I want to explain this as best as humanly possible. The four women walk into this drinking establishment, after pregaming. A ritual that is very much looked at in a very favorable way by something called the checking account. But, I want you to imagine the scene from Reservoir Dogs where the men are walking like a bunch of bad asses. See what the women did not know, is that the tequila hit them hard. It was bad. It was like a left wing liberal admitting that Trump is the president. Instead of walking in like they owned the joint, they walked in as if they were about to owe the joint. The three women were stumbling through the front door. It looked they were on ice skates in an earthquake in summer. Hannah being the saint that she is, has been walking behind them making sure that they do not fall over and hurt themselves. She deserves a medal for all the work that she is putting into this.
The four women get to the door and our greeted by the bouncer. “This bitch is getting married.” Laken says to the bouncer. He looks over the IDs and lets them in. He stops Hannah. “You are the DD, I assume.”
Hannah replies, “Unfortunately.”
The bouncer stands a staggering 6’7, 380 pounds and gives Hannah a giant hug and pets her on the head. Hannah is mortified. The look of sheer terror on this woman’s face is worth the cover charge alone. But the upside for her is that the people she is with won’t remember. “You are a hero among women. Remember that and may the Force Be With You!” The giant man sets Hannah back down on the ground. It helps that she is not afraid of heights. In the midst of being told that she is a hero, she has lost the bridal party. She walks into the bar. There are people everywhere. Some of these people have clothes on that would make their parents ashamed, and some of these people have clothes on that by the end of the night they are going to become parents. Eventually, faintly in the background Hannah hears her name followed by something that will go down in history as a very dark spot around Christmas. Something that will never be talked about, and if by some weird chance, it is discussed, it will be by the people involved. Hannah hears the bridal party let out a giant Woooo. Not a Ric Flair wearing a feather robe kind of WHOOOOO. This is the kind of woooo that you will only hear in a bar.
The future Mother of Christmas is a Wooooo girl. My heart is breaking.
Hannah finds the girls sitting at the table with drinks already and their speech begins to slur the longer the conversation goes.
“So, what do you think the Groom’s party is doing?” Ashlee asked with a goofy smile on her face.
“I bet they are sitting there throwing your hard-earned dollars at a woman whose vagina smells like peppermint.” Laken says.
“I would love down there to smell like a candy cane. Seriously, I could be my own aroma therapy candle.” Victoria says.
Hannah sits in disgust.
“You know who I don’t trust. The accountant guy.” Ashlee says. “He looks like someone who could make my man do questionable things.”
“You know that accountant is my husband?” Hannah says to the girls.
“I can see that. He has a very mischievous look about him but in a good way.” Laken says.
“The reason that I am at the North Pole is A: I am related to the bride, and B: The Accountant and I are married.” Hannah says in anger this time.
“You know what else I think they are doing?” Victoria starts to talk, but the second half of her thought starts to become a completely different language that sounds more made up than Klingon. “I thbfzIgksbasfbva; asogfh ;ohaf paosfgoasghfoahfiaspfgiaosg fo9ify as;oai saof gfa iao fh hfaiyhf oafoghafoafghaihahf aih foih afo haihf ‘aohf oaghfo[e fg0[aewf [0f0 a0fh ap0hfapohf [‘oahf[gqowghf.”
This is why these stories also have another narrator. I am able to speak Drunkenese. What Victoria is saying here is that the groomsmen are having such a wonderful time that I bet they are drunk and rating porn on a scale of 1-10. Or she may need medical help. It is one of the two. I will check my references and get back to you.
Hannah sits puzzled at the nonsense coming out of the women’s mouths. At that moment, Ashlee’s phone began to ring.
“FJku;ahiafioh aifho ofashgoif hasfohiaihf ohf ao hf haofhi” Laken Said to Ashlee.
Translation: The only way that you answer that is if it is an emergency.
“ABdnasbfalnf alfblasf hfalfi hafhi afh aifhaofh ffahos hfaofh aohf oafhqgfogas hahiOIH zzlbxsihfoihf!” Ashlee exclaimed
Translation: Omg. It’s my man calling me.
Ashlee answers her phone, and her face becomes one of flushed due to the booze and very worried.
“SLOnhflsf” Ashlee says into the phone as she hung up.
Translation: There is a problem at the North Pole. All he was able to say was that all hands needed to be on deck for this and that it is an emergency. We needed to leave right away and we will meet up in the board room ASAP.
Hannah grabs her coat and is at the door, but notices the wedding party is not behind her. She goes back to the table to find that they had fallen. Much like a human equivalent to a weeble, but they did fall down. She runs back to the front, grabs her new best friend in the bouncer. He carries each drunken woman to the car as Hannah waits. Once the final woman is in, Hannah slams down on the accelerator and the car is headed back to the North Pole.
Meanwhile, in a completely different corner of town the bachelor party is in full swing, and this is the story of what is happening there.
“First off, I never knew that the North Pole had an accounting department. Also, we had no idea that you were married to Hannah. That is really awesome.” Emerson says to Zac.
“I knew. I kind of hired him” I say.
“No one cares.” Sharon says.
“And this is why we can’t have nice things.” I responded back to Sharon.
“That doesn’t even make sense. The North Pole has plenty of nice stuff. Accounting makes sure of it!” Sharon says. While Zac is sitting in the corner grinning like the Cheshire cat because he knows that he is the reason that the North Pole is able to survive year after year.
“I am a beast.” Zac says with a cocky tone to his voice.
“Just remember that when on the field of Madden.” I say to him and the two of us have a stare down that only history can tell the epicness of in fables.
“It’s time for our first Bachelor Party game!!! The game is Admittance. This is how the game works. The only way you are able to drink is to admit something that you would never in your wildest dreams admit. Hopefully, by the end of the game that you will want to drink more and more while telling your deepest darkest secrets. These secrets will not leave the room, unless someone is drunk and has twitter in front of them.” Sharon says to the group.
“Do they have to be actual shots or can we just down an entire glass instead?” Emerson asks because apparently, she wants to have a lot of drinks and not just shots.
“I will allow it because they are my rules.” Sharon exclaims. “The person who needs to go first should be the groom. SO…..”
“Alright. Well, I may have tried to order one of those life like real sex dolls. But not with a credit card like a normal person. I tried to charge the doll to my parent’s phone bill. Needless to say, that did not work as well as I had hoped and it was denied. My mother found out what I was trying to do, and I received an entire lecture about how I would go to hell and that is a sin. In my defense, I never thought I would ever find love, so it was either that or a mail order bride. And I am not sure I wanted to pay for shipping for that.”
The rest of the groomsmen look like they watched the end of Old Yeller as they sit there with blank stares on their faces.
“I was lonely don’t judge me. And Now I CAN DRINK!!!!” I down entire glass of Rumchata. It was a 32-ounce cup filled to the brim with my favorite kind of booze. I knew it was going to be a great night.
“I guess it is my turn. I never wanted to be an accountant. In fact, that was never going to be my first job choice. My first passion is women’s perfumes. I wanted to design and sell my own fragrances. I have this one that I created that is a mix of the smell of pure maple syrup, and a nice garden salsa with a hint of avocado. I call it, North for Me: South for You.” Zac says.
“That is just fucked up.” Emerson Says.
Round after round of this happening makes the party very close. And now we are going to hit the highlights in this written form of a montage. By the end of this all participants are loving life, and will be able to take on the world. If they are able to walk.
“I like to still put on my wedding dress, and dance to This I Promise You by N*SYNC with a four-foot teddy bear named Chris Kirkpatrick.” Emerson says and then drinks.
“I do not want to admit this because I am an adult. But, I really enjoyed the Twilight movies. So much so that I own them all but the last one. Not because I didn’t like it, but I was totally Team Jacob.” Sharon says as she is being judged.
“When I was a child, I would take poops in the woods to mark my territory as if I was a fuzzy woodland creature.” I say as everyone starts laughing uncontrollably. As I answer this, my phone is constantly going off. It is the time of the year that kids are sending their letters to the big guy and Santa has to see every one of them.
“Seriously does your phone ever shut up?” Emerson asks as she is angry.
“I am going to answer one email.” I say. As many people know that phrase when drunk is only going to lead to impending doom. And this is definitely going to be leading to something massive. Pay attention.
I, who have drank enough right now to be the town drunk in Mayberry, has opened this email. I am seeing double of everything so it is kind of blurred. But the only thing I respond is “DO IT!”. Santa doesn’t reply to emails. This is not going to end well for our heroes. Our very drunk heroes.
“I cried while reading the Sweet Valley High Books.” Sharon says.
“That is not that bad.” Emerson says.
“It is when you are 29.” Sharon responds. The entire grooms party decides to take a drink while giggling at Sharon.
“When I went to Disney, I cried seeing one of the exhibits. It was so beautiful I couldn’t help myself. But I now have a very special place in my heart for the It’s a Small World.” Zac says ashamed of himself.
“I know I may be Santa, but there is still part of me that really wants to be a Disney Princess for just one day. They are so pretty.” I say. I knew admitting that would send shock waves through the very room. However, Sharon, Emerson, and even Zac all agreed that would be pretty awesome. I would become Elsa, Emerson would become Sleeping Beauty, Sharon would become Snow White, and Zac would become Belle.
The rest of the night just becomes a fuzzy haze as if they were listening to Hendrix while sitting in their older brother’s bedroom. The first time trying weed is a magical time. However, that is not the case here. The entire group seems to pass out. It may be from the liquor or it could be from the Disney Magic, only time would be able to tell that one. Richard’s phone makes the email notification sound constantly, so much so that he believes his phone is ringing. He comes to long enough to look at it.
“HOLY SHIT! What I have I fucking done?” After reading that email I spring into action waking up the other groomsmen for what is sure to be one of the darkest moments in Christmas History. Zac was easy to get up. Emerson was easy to wake up. Sharon on the other hand was a completely different story.
“Sharon, we have to go.” I say to her. She pops up in an angry rage and begins to throws the type of temper tantrum that Toys-R-Us employees get PTSD from.
“I will not go. I am not ready to go. This is your bachelor party and I want to hang out with everyone. You got it? I am the best man here.” Sharon says as she rambles on.
I had to take a drastic measure. I slapped her but it had to be done. “Get it together woman. Read this…….”
Sharon takes my phone and reads the email. “Shit. We need to leave right now.”
“Sharon Cursed. This must be fucked up!” Zac said.
“If you only knew. I am calling Ashlee and letting her know” I said.
The grooms party packs up and heads back to the North Pole. The entire bridal party is now headed back to the North Pole, but why………………
Meanwhile at the North Pole a lowly elf writes Santa an email. An email that is responded to.
We need your approval to attack at dawn.
From the desk of EDD The Elf.
That is a very nice elf. Oh who the hell am I kidding, that elf just started a war.
Another email was sent to Richard, a few hours later. This one is not as pleasant.
How the fuck can you betray us like this? You are supposed to be fat and jolly, and you sir are not jolly.
PS. Grow a better beard!!!
I am about to share with you the email causing the last night as single parties to come to an end! Viewer discretion is advised or not. That is up to your parents unless you are an adult living alone.
I hope this letter finds you soon. Santa, this may be the happiest place on earth but right now it is anything but that. Tensions have been flaring. It’s brother against brother. Husband vs Wife. Parents vs Children. And all over what is the best topping for the greatest drink known to man, Hot Chocolate. Sir, Donner, Cupid, and Blitzen are gone. They are no longer with us. Injuries have been mounting. The toll that it is taking on people’s lives is greater than the risk. And there is one man who can prevent this Civil War from getting worse. Only one man who can make this all better. But that man was unavailable, so we are turning to you, our fearless leader. Please come back and bring peace once again to the land that we all love. We may be surrounded by Christmas Trees, lights, candy, and even elves, but there is no way getting around it, War is Hell.
From the desk of Kindra the Elf.
What will happen next? Will Santa be able to stop the civil war and what damage has it done to the home of Christmas itself. Will the groomsmen ever get to be the Disney Princesses that they always dreamed of? And who in the bridal party got fancy with an all-beef hot dog? Find out in the conclusion The Spirits of Christmas tomorrow night.