(A battle was brewing, the causalities are faceless, War is on at the North Pole. When we last left you, the attack has begun. Two sides of this battle facing each other in combat. On one side, you have the people who love to put Marshmallows in their Hot Chocolate, and on the other side you have the people who love to top their Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream. And on route to try to put an end to this unholy war over a sugary condiment is Santa himself, with his Best woMAN, and groomsmen and women. And then coming from a different route is the future Mother of Christmas, the woman that is going to keep Santa’s waist line at a respectful 56 inches, the future Mrs. Claus and her Bridal party. Now, this would be a wonderful thing but there happens to be one problem with all of this. THEY ARE ALL SHITFACED well except for Hannah, because this story has to have one sensible character in it. Have you ever tried to do something that would change the very foundation of life when shitfaced? If you said yes, chances are all you were able to do is piss your pants and fall over face first into a bank of yellow snow. While on route back to the North Pole to stop the chaos, Santa starts receiving letters from the people involved in the largest battle, The Skirmish in Frosty’s Backyard.)
“I am not sure if I can read these emails or not. I need something to sober me up and quick.” I say to my wedding party while they sit around and look confused. “I know on most trips some people happen to pack to coffee. Did one of you do that?”
“The only thing I packed was PJ’s, Booze, and a 5-pound bag of just the reds Starburst. I am so sorry!” Sharon says as she is drunk pouting.
(There is nothing more tragic in this life than not planning ahead for a trip. Remember kids to pack the essentials like coffee, real foods that contain salt, and the magazines that you stole that were under your older brother’s mattress. Because when you are needed, you do not want to be a pouty drunk. This message was paid for by Santa Claus.)
“I don’t have anything but some tie dye shirts, pants, and socks.” Emerson says.
“I didn’t realize my fucking bachelor party was supposed to take place at a damn Grateful Dead Concert. Seriously, did you bring any weed? If I wanted no help and hippies, I would have just called some alt left activist college students. Thanks a lot Bob Marley with tits.” As you can tell I am not the happiest person in the world. When all of a sudden Zac’s cell phone starts to chime as if it was a sign of an angel getting its wings or he just received a text.
“I texted my wife, and she has some coffee in her car that would help us out. It would sober us, but I have to tell you something about it. It is called Dark Christmas Magic. And what it can do a person. It will change lives and not in the pleasant way.” Zac says to us with the look of panic in his eyes, but he continues on with a story. “I had a coworker in accounting. His name was Dan. Now, Dan was a great person and super tall and skinny. He worked really hard to make sure that the North Pole would run correctly when he started. And one day we had an issue come up with a projection. Dan started freaking out. We were up for two solid days at this point. Only one thing was going to keep us going, and that was the sweet taste of caffeine. I grabbed some Folgers, but Dan decided to grab Dark Christmas Magic. The smell of the coffee was so strong that it was seconds away from body slamming me like I was Andre The Giant. But, but that didn’t stop him from chugging that entire cup. I looked back down at my computer, and the next thing I hear I start hearing some terrible dark sounding music. I look up just in time to see Dan’s skin melting right off of his body. The next thing I know, he puts on a suit that looks like it was kept in the basement of a catholic church. And the next thing was that he went off his rocker. He looked at right at me and said ‘I am no longer Dan, I am now Jack The Pumpkin King.’ The weirdo just walked outside saying ‘What’s This!’”
All of a sudden, we start to hear the sounds of a high pitch squeal. The squeal was so unsettling it was almost as if someone were to walk in on their parents having sex in your college dorm room.
“YOU KNOW JACK THE PUMPKIN KING?!?!?!?!?!?!?! What is he like? He is so dreamy! Omg, can you take me to meet him?” Sharon squeals as she is bouncing up and down on her ass as if she just found out that she will be gifted a pony.
“Sharon, can you try not to Fangirl too much because someone is going to have to clean that up?” I say to Sharon.
“But. But. But.” Sharon says all pouty.
“I have an email to read, but if somehow we magically make it back to stop this shit, I will personally introduce the two of you.”
“AHHHHHHH……” I have to interrupt her before she freaks out too much and have to give her a brown paper sack to breathe.
“I just received another email and it is not looking good.”
(The email reads as follows)
The war is waging on, and things have become more gruesome here at the Pole. The Cold Miser is walking around with a Candy Cane complete with hard sugary pieces calling it Lucille, hoping that he will find Frosty the Snowman so he can, in his words, “have batting practice.” The people I know and love have been getting creamed as Norm’s forces push Brodie’s troops backwards. But that is not the worst of it. Remember as a child when you would eat a candy cane and make the end of it as sharp as possible. Yeah, that is happening on a grand scale. It is all fun and games until someone loses an eye. One of Brodie’s generals is carrying this around yelling “HiYah” with each piercing of flesh being made. It is getting to be one of the worst scenes that I have ever seen in my life. Some of us who have not picked a side, are afraid for our well-being. We have locked ourselves in a room with a window to watch what is happening. Only you can stop this. Please hurry.
From the desk of Edd the Elf.
The car just goes silent, and a tear starts to fall from everyone in the car as if they are a Native American standing in a pile of litter.
(Meanwhile back in the ladies’ car. Hannah is attempting a Mother Theresa type moment by trying to sober up Bride and the Bridemaids to make sure that this story has a happy ending. She pulls into a Starbucks drive thru. And makes one of the most boring orders you will ever hear in your life.”
“I need 4 coffee’s. Just black. No Sugar.”
(I told you it was boring.)
“Guiafohofih oapHfaoifhbifash oahfoishafopisah b0pafhpoifhaipfa 0pasfhpsaf0hb pahgphbfapbf Hot Dogs.” Victoria Says.
(I knew there was a reason that we didn’t go back to their car for their part of the story. They were too drunk to talk and I am just too damn lazy to translate today. Well, in all the years of telling Christmas stories I have never been in this situation at all. Let’s go back to the men’s car and see what is happening there.”
“Guys, I just got another email from the desk of Edd the Elf. Sharon, I do not want to be the one who has to tell you this, and I am very sorry. But Jack the Pumpkin King died in battle today during what is being called the Skirmish of Frosty’s Backyard. I am so sorry.” I tell Sharon with a hint of empathy.
“Are you serious?” Her voice quivers with the sadness and grief.
“No. I am just shitting with you.” I begin to laugh uncontrollably as if I have a problem and Danny Glover is telling that it is PBA.
“That was not cool” Emerson says in disgust.
“Get Out.” Zac says with a slight giggle. He found it funny. I know he did but he won’t admit it because he does not want someone telling his wife.
Sharon with a look of anger, displeasure in her eyes, just sits back crosses her arms and says “Rude!”
(Well that was fucked up! Umm. I am sorry about that, I forgot to mention that Santa has a very dark sense of humor. I guess it is back to the girl’s car and hopefully nothing weird is happening.)
“GFaflshkfal asolfhsfolihosa lasihfoasfhopsfih posafhpfahpafs AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Ashlee says laughing hysterically.
“ghfofhaposf psaohffoihfaph poashpfhapasf poifahpfsah pafhpfsajh pafhpasfh npafohfph fsapfhp fhpas” Laken says as she looks with judging eyes.
“Ifosafhaosh saohosfahspfa hafsoihfpasfh Ball Park Frank osuagofaug asuigfhoaufsgu oaghfoafgh fasgfaogih gf oafoshg fasaosfh aofafos oafh a ohfagfasiugfaiug aof afoia foafih fofhg oaf hoahf afugwogh aougfaogf 0qwha8fh f8agh. Do you want to build snowman?” Victoria yells in the car.
Hannah at the window grabs the coffee from the barista. It was at the right moment she turned around to see something that she is not able to explain to this very day.
“OH MY STARS HOLLOW! Victoria, take this coffee and give me the hot dogs!”
(Ummm. Well, I don’t think we need to know any more about that. I think we will go to the North Pole next and Edd is giving a speech at the camp of the Marshmallow group. Brodie is excited to have such a word smith to be giving such a wonderful speech to his troops!)
“Founders of Fluffsburg! When I was a little bitty boy, my mother gave me the best advice possible and I want to give you that same advice today when going out there into battle. It does not matter if you win or lose, but in this case, it does because it is war. Look I know the first half of that does not make sense, but get over yourselves because it does. The woman also put whipped cream in my Hot Chocolate. The woman was nuts. But let me say the whole speech. It does not matter if you win or lose, but how bad you Fuck Em Up! Now, don’t forget to shoot when you see the whites of their eyes. Edd Out.”
“Hey. How can we see the whites of their eyes when it is snowing?” One solider says.
Brodie, confused by this statement thinks of what it really meant. “Shoot at everything.”
(Meanwhile. And I am going to try this one more time. Back at the girl’s car. Dear God, I know this is your holiday, but can you make them sober because they need a Christmas miracle.”
“I do not know what I was thinking. When I get drunk and see a hot dog it takes me back to when I was on vacation in Hawaii. His name was Kona and he was our bartender. And he performed tricks with hot dogs. I was so excited by this sight. I tried to give him my number for three whole days. After he kept turning down my advances, I realized that those hot dogs were a metaphor for something else. And I knew my island dream man was never going to be. It also didn’t hurt that the guy I was seeing at time hooked up with him and now they are happily married and own a pineapple farm” Victoria says
(It’s a Christmas miracle. My prayers have been answered, also, Victoria may have the worst gaydar of any woman alive.)
“Thank you, Hannah, for the coffee. We needed that. Now on to more pressing issues. How are we going to fix the North Pole? My future husband is only going to make things worse. I know and love that idiot way to well.” Ashlee says, thinking about Richard. And I have to say that truth hurts. She could have made it a little gentler, it’s like I have been punched right in the dick.
“It’s not going to take us long to find out.” Laken says.
“Why is this asks?” asks Victoria.
“Because we are back at the North Pole already.” Hannah says.
(And now back to the battle field where Edd the Elf gives a speech to the camp of Whipped Cream. Norm is there to hear a speech to rally his troops during the largest battle of the North Pole Civil War.)
“Citizens of Whippistan! Lend me your ears. When I was a little bitty boy, my mother gave me the best advice possible and I want to give you that same advice today when going out there into battle. It does not matter if you win or lose, but in this case, it does because it is war. Look I know the first half of that does not make sense, but get over yourselves because it does. She also put Marshmallows in my hot chocolate. The woman was nuts. But let me say the whole speech. It does not matter if you win or lose, but how bad you Fuck Em Up! Now treat them as if you are a camp fire and burn their ass. Edd Out.”
“Well said.” Norm says under his breath with a tear in his eye.
(Haven’t I heard that before? The groom’s party car pulls up to the North Pole. Not a word has been said for the last 30 miles. See what happens when you are an asshole. You get the silent treatment. The party runs inside to the board room to come up with a good solid plan. Which may be difficult for this group, they aren’t the kids from Scooby Doo.)
I get to hug my future wife, and it felt wonderful. However, we both reeked of booze. It smells as if we consummated the marriage in a cardboard box under a bridge.
“We need a plan.” Hannah says.
“I need some coffee.” I say as I walk over to the Keruig. I grab the first coffee I can find which happens to be from a bag that the girls brought in. I make a cup for Sharon and myself. One. I feel that I needed to make a peace offering after my terrible prank blew up in my face. And two, she loves coffee just as much me. The other two have sobered up, god, I hate being in my 30s.
(There would be dialog here, but we are waiting for the Keruig to finish making the coffee. Please stand by.)
“Sharon, I made you some coffee. And I am sorry about what I said about Jack. I know how special that movie is to you, and that it was a tad bit mean to say. I hope you can forgive me.” I say to Sharon.
Sharon takes the coffee, squints and says “You are lucky that I am letting you live. But it’s also because I like Ashlee.”
“Thanks for not killing me. That means a lot.” I say
Zac walks over to his Wife and gives her a giant hug and kiss.
“Wait a minute? Are you two married?” Victoria asks Hannah.
“I have been telling you that all weekend.” Hannah says.
“Holy shit!” Zac screams. “What coffee are you drinking?” He yells at Sharon and I. At that very moment our lips touched the cup and began to taste what is known as Black Christmas Magic Coffee. Sharon started to tremble, I felt a sensation in which I only felt once in my life and it happened at a sleep over. The next thing I know I look down and my chest grew hair three times as much that day. But to make matters a little more enjoyable, Sharon also grew hair on her chest. She was only a mustache away from being a 70s male porn star. I look at her and open my mouth…..
“Don’t” Sharon says with a stern voice.
It was at that moment Kindra came running into the board room. Kindra was someone who sent me an email to tell me more about the civil war. I knew this conversation was going to be bad.
“Kindra. Tell me everything.” I said.
“First. We did lose Donner, Cupid, and Blitzen.” Kindra says to me somewhat ashamed.
“I am not sure what we are going to do with three reindeer dying.” I said freaking the fuck out.
“They didn’t die. We found them a few hours later. They just got out of the stables with all the noise. It spooked them.”
“Wait, they are not dead?” I said puzzled.
“Not at all. They are very much alive.” Kindra said with a smirk
Have you ever had a dog tilt their head to look at you when you are doing something stupid? That is the exact same look I gave Kindra. At that moment, her husband came walking by whistling the theme to The Golden Girl. You might know him as Edd the Elf.
“Edd, what is going on?” I ask confused like a bisexual in an orgy.
“Ah Rick. I am glad you are back have you seen the carnage yet?” Edd says to me.
“No. Show me!” I reply back.
It was at that moment the entire wedding party is following Edd outside to see what is happening in the Civil War. As the door opened we expected to see red stained snow. Massacres and cut off heads as fas the eye can see. Once that door opened, I knew there was no turning back but what I saw was not what I was expecting. The side of Whipped Creamed, was just running around shooting whipped cream out of the can at the people who take the side of Marshmallows. And their side instead of what I figured to be weapons of mass destruction being used. Was just using Marshmallow shooters and making the Pew Pew noise as if they were Han Solo shooting Greedo. We see bags fling in the air that should be poison, but instead are actually bags of Powdered Sugar. And the swords, we the same candy canes that you hang on the tree. This was not a war, this was nothing more than the equivalent of a dog and cat humping each other. I have officially turned fifty shades of red. I turn and look at Edd. He begins to laugh.
“I am a writer of horror, I had to make the North Pole interesting.” Edd says
I puff up my newly hair chest and say “…..”
(We cannot in good conscience post what Santa is yelling at Edd due to the graphic nature of the content. At this moment, there are more four letter words being used than a child playing Scrabble for the first time. This is one of those moments that if a parent heard Santa talking like this, no child would ever be able to sit on his lap again or be allowed in any home. Santa needs his mouth washed out with soap. But not Life Boy because we do not want him to go blind. At this point in the rant, a bag comes flying towards the entire group. The bag explodes on impact causing everyone to be covered with powdered sugar.)
“I look like a cocaine dealer.” Victoria says.
“At least it tastes good.” Ashlee says while licking herself. And that is a mental image that you may never be able to get out of your mind for the rest of the evening.
“I feel like a fucking donut.” Emerson yells.
Hannah on the other hand has had about enough of the childish acts. Covered in Powdered Sugar, which she cleans from her eyes, marches right out in the middle of the Holiday Tussle. “I have had enough. Norm and Brodie, get over right now.”
Norm and Brodie while yelling insults across the span of 12 feet about each other’s moms goes dead silent.
“I said right now.” Hannah demands. “This works on dogs, and I bet it will work for this situation.” Hannah starts singing the Culture Club hit Karma Chameleon. Everyone comes to a complete a stop. No one can believe their ears. Is this girl really stopping this war over sugary condiments with an 80s-pop classic? You bet your ass she is.
“That is my wife!” Zac says all proudly.
“You guys are married?” Laken says.
(The war and I use that world loosely ended with Hannah singing Culture Club. Once the North Pole was put back together, which took about 5 minutes and 12 seconds, a peace treaty was administered by Santa that both toppings were acceptable and everyone was able to put that day behind them. It was on to bigger things. The wedding of Santa. I would include the story of the Wedding, but seriously, nothing really happened. They said, I Do. They ate cake. They fucked. It really isn’t that difficult to figure out. However, this had to be one of the best last night’s being single ever. A story that will go down in history just like Rudolph.
Oh yeah. I almost forgot something. There is one more piece to this story. Richard taking a hairless chest Sharon to meet the Pumpkin King.)
“Sharon! It’s Time. We made it through everything and I am a man of my word. I am going to take you to meet Jack Skellington.”
Sharon’s face lit up as if she had just received a Hatchimal!!!! “SQUEEEE.” Sharon exclaims.
“I am just going to ignore that.” I tell her. “Hold on, because this is going to be a bumpy ride.” I hit the button. And Flash, the blinding white makes its triumphant return just in time to make us only be able to see spots. I am not sure if we are flying or looking at a polka dot dress.
You can start to hear Jack singing.
“What’s this? What’s this?
There’s color everywhere
What’s thisoafgbsou; aofiso ‘h[‘afsi hfahfoiaghfaofhgfaisho”
“Oh fuck. I landed on Jack again.”
Sharon face turned a new shade of pale, that I didn’t even know existed. Which really makes me afraid to hit that button again, because, I do not need to go blind.
Sharon is crying, and this is that ugly kind of crying.
I only know one thing that can cheer anyone up in a time I like this. I look right at Sharon and say…….. “When I feel sad, there is a motto that I think of. I truly believe in it.”
Sharon sobbing asks “what is it?”
“WWATD” I reply.
“Which is?” She asks.
“WWATD means What Would Alan Thicke Do? And you know what he would do?”
Sharon Sniffles “What?”
“He would say…. Show me that smile again!”
(Look don’t feel bad for Sharon. Sharon told his mother-in-law Kristen, who then told Ashlee which led to Ashlee kicking Richard right in his Kringles. That is the story kids. Maybe next time I can tell you about the story of when Santa was lost and had Amnesia. Is that foreshadowing? You bet your ass it is.)
We hoped you enjoyed the 13 Days of Christmas for 2016. And we hope that everyone has a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year from TBK Magazine.