Self-Help for the Helpless

There comes a time that a person just needs a little motivation. Just enough motivation in hope that they will get off their mother’s couch, put down the second fucking bowl of macaroni and cheese and do something with their life. But instead fear seems to be bending them over the bed as if they were Anastasia Steele in Christian’s Red Room, the only difference is this sex isn’t fucking fan fiction based off some sparkling vampire story. I want to share a piece of advice with all of you, want to know the worst shopping day of the year? If you said Christmas Eve, you should be slapped with a piece of ham. The answer to this question is the day before, and Valentine’s Day. I have never seen so many confused people in one place since the days of Maury doing the guess the gender episodes. I feel this is Self Help for the Helpless is needed for all of you that do not understand how to plan in advance at all.

Let’s start with something, every year on the same god damn shitty day, Valentine’s Day will happen. By now it should not sneak up on anyone except Stevie Fucking Wonder. So, at this point waiting to the last minute just means you are dense. How come that all of you are shocked when any holiday comes around? The only one that should make you worry is the first time you spend her birthday with her. Because, guess what, it falls on the same day every fucking year.

And what is the destination of the last-minute shopper? It used to be the Pharmacy, and back in the day this made a lot of sense. The pharmacy made a lot sense, it was also a good place to take a first date, that was then. Now, the last-minute shopper goes to the trailer park resident’s favorite getaway, Wal-Mart. Because, when I think of love, I think of a dozen roses for 24.99 and the experience of an employee who is way underpaid, but knows that even they are not as cheap as your broke ass. But at least you are not buying Ivanka Trump clothing from Nordstrom’s. I also want to add that every kiss may begin with Kay but so does Kaposi’s sarcoma-associated herpesvirus.

So, when an important day is fast approaching, here is some advice to make it go a little easier. First, figure out what your significant other likes. Hey, you! Yes, I am talking to you. Chances are you are reading this on a date. Here is some advice, put down your fucking phone, and actually converse with the other person. You will learn things that will help you in the future, and that will be a great power. And since you are a nerd, you already know with great power comes great responsibility. Second, surprises are fun, but for the love of all mankind, keep it simple stupid. Don’t go over the top unless you are proposing. Don’t break out into Flash Mob just to tell that person that you like them or they actually adulted. And finally, nothing expensive until it is serious. Look, relationships go in phases, and without phases you would all be left in that awkward phase of “finding out of is it alright to touch you there.” But on the first holiday if you buy them something expensive, good luck in topping it, that makes you look like a fool. Set the bar at a sub average level. And don’t set the bar so low, that you come across looking like well someone who bought flowers from Wal-Mart on Valentine’s day at the last minute.

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Stick Figure Dan
Stick Figure Dan is the resident loud foul mouthed prick of TBK Magazine. He is a loud mouth who will say anything at any given moment. He hates the world and everything in it. Dan came into the society as a writer in 2007 and hasn’t looked back since. He likes to write open letters to famous people, putting them in their place.
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