Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
There is a possibility of a budding romantic relationship. This new partner will be devoted to you like none other before. However, if you are not single or simply not interested, you may have a stalker. The stars do not indicate that (s)he is dangerous but, as mentioned before, (s)he is very devoted and maybe a little obsessed. I recommend that you practice the buddy system and invest in pepper spray. Best of luck.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20
Money is involved in your future, dearest Pisces. Maybe you will receive a raise. Maybe your bank account will be hacked. Maybe you will win the lottery. Maybe you will lose your wallet. Maybe a relative will leave you money in their last will and testament. Maybe you will have to fork out $360 for your child’s band camp fees. Maybe you will find a penny on the ground. The stars are not clear if the situation will be positive or negative. I recommend that you be aware and keep a close eye on your finances.
Aries: March 21 – April 19
Friendships can be difficult to maintain. When it becomes a recurrent pattern, sometimes a person needs to look in the mirror and ask themselves what the common denominator is in each situation. If the answer is you (which is most likely the case since you were involved in each situation), stop being a heifer. No one wants to be a friend with a heifer.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20
A great curse is likely to befall you. Luckily, it can be reversed (…probably). Pay close attention to my words. They make travel size cups of peanut butter. Invest in some and keep one in your pocket or purse. In the near future, you will have a negative experience with chewing gum. I cannot give you the specifics of the curse. The chewing gum may attempt to damage your hair or the hair of loved ones. It could even attack your shoes or clothing. Act quickly and apply the peanut butter. This should neutralize the curse of the gum and hopefully return the damaged object back to its original state. ***Disclaimer: neutralizing power of peanut butter is not a guarantee. We are not responsible for damage to property or peanut butter. ***
Gemini: May 21 – June 20
Dearest Gemini, you will soon be reaching a metaphoric fork in the road. The weight of your future weighs upon your choice. Given you innate nature to flip-flop when making decisions as you struggle between your distinct battling halves, the stars encourage that you take ample time in choosing your path. Take time to reflect. Take a relaxing bath or swim. Water will have a calming effect.
Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Things are heating up within your romantic relationship as the summer days lengthen. You feel that you have finally found “the one”. Be prepared for a startling discovery. Your lover is not all that meets the eye. Unfortunately, you will learn that your beloved has a secret obsession that you will not be able to comprehend at first. It maybe that (s)he is a is a max level Worgen Death Knight in World of Warcraft and is in a top raiding guild. Or a secret Furry that prefers to be called Slippers. Whatever the challenge, you have a choice. Be a decent human being and embrace the person that you love – quirks and all. Or be ignorant and prejudiced.
Leo: July 23 – August 22
Your bra and panties do not need to match your outfit. People do not even wear matching socks anymore. I promise that if someone is lucky enough to get you naked, they will not be checking to see if everything is matchy-matchy and color coordinated. Stop stressing about the minute things. One day you will be shriveled up and old. Live your life. Enjoy it. Just make sure you have a condom and practice safe sex.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22
You are due for a vacation. A getaway far from home. You cannot wait to leave behind the mundane. Make lifelong friendships with unforgettable people. Your soul is itching to see all of space and time. Unfortunately, a trip like that is not easy on bank account. This is why the astrological experts of TBK Magazine (trained by reading a couple of online articles) have the perfect solution. Binge watch Doctor Who. If you are already a Whovian, watch them again. You know you love it.
Libra: September 23 – October 22
When you were born, you were given a very powerful gift. A gift that helps to see through lies and trickery. This gift is your brain. The more you practice using your brain power and educate yourself, the more powerful you will become. Refine your inborn powers. Beware of false prophecies and misguided instruction. Not everything that you read on the internet is true.
Scorpio: October 23 – November 21
My fellow Scorpios, this is an important time for us. The stars show that so many of us are hiding our true potential at this time. Remember who you are. We are the most passionate of all of the astrological signs. We are strong. We fight out own battles and take what we want in romantic relationships (With consent – consent is super important.) We protect our friends with every cell in our bodies. The universe did not deem us to be walked all over. Pull yourself up by your boot straps and live up to your true potential.
Sagittarius: November 22 – December 21
Beware of gifts of foods. One can never tell what is safe to consume. It may appear to be an innocuous basket of muffins or a delicious candy bar. However, it may be the last thing that you ever eat. I am not implying that it is cursed, silly! Diabetes, heart disease, fatty liver disease, and obesity are an epidemic in this country. Maintain a healthy diet, get at least 30 minutes of vigorous exercise daily, and see your doctor for yearly wellness screenings.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19
You’re bored with life at the moment and I have foreseen the perfect solution. Brinner! For all of those weirdos that have not enjoyed the perfection that is the show “Scrubs”, Brinner is when you have breakfast for dinner. Break out of your comfort zone. Make up a meal complete with pancakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs. Other breakfast foods optional, but encouraged. Breakfast beverages strongly recommended. It will reset your life chi and put you right back on your correct life