Aquarius: January 20 – February 18
There is a major social event coming up and you must make every effort to be there. Your one true love will be at this gathering. Unfortunately, there will be obstacles. An unpleasant maternal figure will try to prevent you from attending. Everything will be a struggle – from finding the right dress and shoes to securing transportation. However, there is someone in your life that has your back. She will provide all that you need as long as you are home by curfew. It will be crucial that you leave your soulmate with a way to contact you later. Cellphone number tends to work the best but a shoe may work in a pinch.

Pisces: February 19 – March 20
You and a dear friend (possibly a sibling) will go on a hike. Be cautious when venturing off the path. It is easy to become lost in wooded areas. If you do become lost, a woman will offer you shelter. Say no. Her plans are insidious. She will seem generous. She will offer you delicious food and shelter in her home. She will promise to set you back on the correct path the next day. It is a falsehood. She plans to hold you hostage deep in the woods where no one will hear you scream. This woman will continue you to feed you until you are nice and plump for she is a cannibal. If you accept her assistance, you will be lost. Heed my words. Or at least do something to make yourselves less palatable.

Aries: March 21 – April 19
Your grandmother will fall ill. Be cautious when visiting her. The stars know that you promised to bring her soup and you feel that it is your duty to care for her. However, your life will be at risk if you do not pay close attention. I foresee that your grandmother will not be home as expected. In her place will be a dangerous imposter. Do not be fooled by lies and illusions. Arm yourself. Take a self-defense class. Bring Sam and Dean for back up.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
The planets are aligned in a precarious position. At this time, you should consider avoiding sewing. For if you prick your finger on a spindle, a great curse will fall upon you. You shall fall into a deep slumber (or a long nap as I like to refer to it). The only way to break the curse is to have a creepy stranger assault you with an unsolicited kiss. While this sounds terrible, it actually could have been worse – the original prediction suggested that you would die if you pricked your finger but it changed last minute. Regardless, it’s best to play it safe for now and pick up a new hobby.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20
While visiting your significant other’s family, you will find the sleeping accommodations uncomfortable. Yes, the mattress is lumpy in one spot. Yes, it feels like there is a round rock underneath your back and you cannot fall asleep. Do not whine about it. It is not attractive. Suck it up. It’s a temporary situation.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22
You have a very important trip planned. One that will require great focus. There will be people along the way to distract you. People of great beauty and melodic, overwhelming voices. It will almost seem that they are singing to you. Their only purpose is to distract you from your journey. They will attempt to derail your hard work. Stand your ground. Cover your ears and tie yourselves to …your work if you must. Just do not listen to the sirens. These people will be your undoing.

Leo: July 23 – August 22
You will fall in love with a person from a whole different social circle. A world that is so much above your own. It seems that you will never get this person to notice you as you are. I know that the situation seems desperate but be cautious. Someone will offer to help you. The deal will sound too good to be true. It is. The precious gift that you give in exchange for entering his world will be the one thing that you need to make a connection with your beloved. If you do not succeed before time runs out, you will return to your watery world in the form of sea foam.

Virgo: August 23 – September 22
Your mother is a very vain and selfish person. She is very obsessed with her beauty. She has recently become aware that you are beginning to outshine her. She now sees you as a threat. As children, we put our utmost trust in our parents but you must open your eyes. She does not have your best interest at heart any longer. She will put in place a plan to end your life. The first plan will fail because you do have friends watching out for you. However, she is relentless. Poison is a woman’s weapon. Do not accept fruit from anyone. Even innocent looking elderly ladies.

Libra: September 23- October 22
You will face a tough decision at this time. You will be given a job that you do not know how to do. If you do not complete the job, the consequences will be terrible. Someone will offer to do the work for you but this will come at a high cost. You will not have to pay the price immediately. When the time to pay up arrives, you will realize that the initial fee was simply more than you could ever afford. Another deal will be struck – one that will possibly forgive you of your debt. I recommend that you make note of the person’s name so that you may be released from your initial verbal contract. It is as simple as that. Remember the name of the person who you made the deal with.

Scorpio: October 23- November 21
Be wary of amphibious creatures who offer romantic gestures in exchange for happily ever after. Happy endings are rare. It’s much more likely that a person will end up with herpes simplex virus 1. CDC estimate that half of the American population are carries for the virus. However, 75% never show any symptoms. Besides, kissing frogs is really weird.

Sagittarius: November 22- December 21
Things may seem dismal right now. Downright gloomy. I get it. Your parental figure stopped a creepy house, stole a rose, and now you live there in exchange for their life. Cheer up. Give it a chance! You just need time to develop a good relationship with your captor. There are books, fine dining, and dancing! Once that Stockholm syndrome sets in you will be just fine.

Capricorn: Dec 22- January 19
Life is not a fairy tale. No one rides off into the sunset. And believe it or not, that is a good thing. The sun keeps rising and life keeps going. Work hard. Help each other. Do something that it important and fulfilling. Surround yourself with friends and family that make you happy. There will be good days and there will be bad days. Pick yourself up and start over. To quote the great Doctor (Who) “We’re all stories in the end…Just make it a good one.”