Its Rated X-Mas: (Not That Kind of Tale) Part 1

by | Dec 23, 2017

Is it that time again? Can you believe that this is the 8th story? I figured this would end after story 3, but here we are the less popular Christmas version of the Saw franchise. Sure, we don’t have blood and guts, or creative devices that will kill you. But you know what we do have, fucking Santa Claus. And who needs a puppet riding a unicycle when you have jolly ole Kris Kringle. A lot has happened since the last time I joined you. Mr. and Mrs. Claus’ first year of married bliss seems to be going just fine, and don’t tell Santa, but he is packing on the pounds in all the right places. Mrs. Claus knows how to bake, and blood sugar levels is getting to new highs daily. I am not sure that is something we should brag about. I feel like I need to drown my sorrows in cake but cup size. And let me tell you that is not all that has happened. But it’s a good time to get into the North Pole health profession. What else has happened? Oh, there was that one time where Sharon fell asleep during the new Beauty and the Beast movie. I don’t think I have anything else. This is kind of let down. Well, I will see you next year for Story #9……………………………………………………………………. I see you are still here. Since you want a story, let me give you a tale. A tale that is going to change the very foundation of Christmas as you know it. I may have made it sound like nothing is happening here, but it was a misdirection. Hey, I have finally become like Fox News. 5 Points for Slytherin. This story is different. No finding love, no wedding to plan, in fact, if we were to do one of those stories, I may be contractually obligated to send Hallmark $30 dollars and a script to Candice Cameron. And no one wants that, except Candice’s agent. This story is not your mother’s Christmas story.

And to answer all of your questions, yes, the main players are going to be part of this one. We couldn’t have a story without Santa, or Mrs. Claus, or the elves, or the friends, or Alan Thicke, it just wouldn’t be Christmas. But this story does not start at the North Pole. This story begins 3 years ago in a very tiny town. The kind of town that has one gas station, a 4 way stop, and a bar that only serves Coors Light and Fireball. It is either a calm night with your friends, or you are going to be wearing a lampshade on your head while telling people that you were the leg lamp in A Christmas Story in a past life. That sounds like the most fabulous Christmas that ever lived; now I am just sad again. Time for another cupcake. This story takes place in a small town that somehow seemed cursed. Think about it this way, what would it be like if, during the holidays, you were not able to spend time with your loved ones. That there would not be a tree, there would be no friends; there would be no Christmas movies or any holiday tradition. The citizens of Humbug seem to know this all too well. Have you never heard of Humbug? Well, neither has anyone else. See, Humbug is the city Christmas forgot.

Back in the day, and for the fans of nostalgia, this is the part where you can get your boners; Humbug was always bitten by the Christmas spirit. Lights were hung on the trees and every house in town, Santa coming to visit was the biggest thing to ever happen to this town all year. It made sense that the town would celebrate every year as if the Browns won a football game. The Browns do play football? But three years ago, that all changed. As children gathered around the centerpiece of the town, a 55 ft Fir tree, decorated as is Martha Stewart exploded. The children would sing to welcome Santa Claus upon his arrival. Santa is like the freaking Pope in Humbug. But three years ago, that all changed.

“I see him. Santa is coming!” A child yelled out from a perch. Where is the parent? Kids should not be that high off the ground without proper supervision.

“Here Comes Santa Claus!!!!! Here Comes Santa Claus!!!!!” The kids were singing with joy.

The children’s faces lit up, the excitement building. And then the unthinkable happened. Santa flew over the town as if they didn’t exist. The crowd gathered the following year, smaller than the previous, and it happened again. Santa flew over as if they were a plain high school girl in a 90s romantic comedy before a bet.

And that brings us to this year……The City of Humbug put out no decorations. They are not preparing for the arrival of Santa. Instead, they have given up on the Christmas spirit. But I have a feeling this year may be a tad different for the city of Humbug.

There was a reason I was telling you this part of the story first, let me show the kind of conversation that is happening at the North Pole as we speak. May I remind you, this guy is Santa.

“Kevin, I am confused at this moment in my life. If I happen to perform surgery on Cavity Sam and happen to make a small mistake during the process such as touching his sides, the guy is going to get so pissed off his nose turns red?”

Kevin responds, “Yep.”

“A man of simple words. I can appreciate that. I am going to try to remove the Charley Horse from his hip. Not having the context as to how a grown man with a red nose can have a horse stuck in his leg is completely taking me right out of the game. But damn it, here we go.” I have never played Operation before this day. Some child or teen or adult asked for it for Christmas. Okay, It was me. I wanted to see if I ever had a life option of being a surgeon. I can see it now. Mask on my face, clean hands, and BUZZZZZZZZ.

“This game is fucking broken. I never touched his side.” I screamed for the masses to hear.

“You touched the side. I could see it.” Kevin responded back.

“You have no idea what you saw. I bet this jackoff is some sort of hypochondriac who gets off when having surgeries. It gets his jollies off to have his nose red.” I responded back with a hint sarcasm. Kevin is laughing at me as if I shit my pants on the playground, and having the surgeon dream wholly ruined in 7 seconds, I rage flipped that table so hard, and fake bones were flying everywhere. It was happening in slow motion. The only thing missing is the Chariots of Fire theme playing. That would have been straight up bad ass.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the North Pole in 2017. We are all doomed. In the midst of a grown man throwing the equivalent of temper tantrum inside a Wal-Mart, Hannah showed up with some information that could put this story back on the rails. But I am guessing that is a long shot.

“Sorry to bother whatever this is, but you are needed in the meeting room to prepare for the test run tonight. We have to make sure everything is perfect working order.” Hannah said in a stern voice. No, that was mom voice. She used her mom voice. She isn’t a mother yet, but she has it down, and it will set fear into the heart of strangers. And to add three doors away in the control room sat her husband, who happened to sit up as if it was a military drill. That is the scariest power on the planet, and I have seen it with my own two eyes.  I was sad I had to leave my broken dreams and broken board game behind. But worked called.

As I walk into the control room, I am greeted by a bunch of familiar faces. My wife, who always supports everything I do except my dream to be a Vegas Showgirl. Sharon is here about to drop some sarcasm that this would has never seen. Edd and Kindra are there. And yes, I know what you were thinking, weren’t they the reason for the North Pole Civil War last year, I took that into consideration. I love to give second chances to people. It is kind of in the job description as the jolly fat man. Brodie, Zac, Victoria, a couple of people you haven’t met yet but will very soon.

Told you everyone was in this story. Next time you have to believe me. I am not fake news.

“I want everyone to meet Tiffany. She is new here. She will be teaching the children of the North Pole. This is a very important job because we don’t want our future to end up acting like us because we are a tad bit weird.” I said to the group.

Remember when you would go cruising with your friends, and the two of you would start playing a game where you would wave at random cars coming from the other direction? And which person would get the most waves would win the game? Yep, that was the same thing Tiffany did to everyone, but with more of a reindeer in the headlights look.

“Everyone, eyes up here,” Hannah exclaimed. We became afraid for our lives, and even one person peed themselves a little in fear. I am not going to share who it was; I just thought I would make it known.

It was Richard.

I can tell you that it was not me.

He is lying out his ass.

Plus, fleece pants would show that.

He is wearing an adult diaper with characters from My Little Pony.

“We are just 24 hours away from the big day. And we need to get prepped and planned on how this night will run smoothly. Tonight, we plan on doing a test run in our new sleigh, to remove our carbon hoofprint, we have switched all of the reindeer food to organic. But they will not be used tonight; we are going to be taking the electric sleigh. We need the reindeer at 100% power for the big run.” Hannah sternly tells the group. She sits down as Brodie stands.

“And we will be splitting everyone up into groups. This year will be a tad different as we have all new equipment. And I do not want any issues, because I swear to God almighty, if IT tells me to turn off and on again, I am punching someone in the dick. Kindra! Edd! Since the two of you are working with a second chance, you will be working with Sharon. Sharon is no pushover, unless you have gummy worms.”

Sharon pipes up, “Rude…….but true.”

“The three of you will be in charge of tracking Santa on our new NORAD system. It’s pretty sweet other than the fact it runs on Windows Vista. Mrs. Claus will be baking tomorrow, so she is going to need a little help in the kitchen. Victoria and Laken, this is where you come in.”

So, there are new characters. Calm down; I will not Rian Johnson this Star Wars fanboys.

Brodie continues “Tiffany will be here teaching the future of tomorrow. And myself, Hannah and Zac will accompany Richard on the journey to make sure the new sleigh is not a piece of shit or a Chevy. It is time to man those battle stations. Get in your places.” Brodie says. The plan is always to make that big run something memorable.

I find my wife. I give her a kiss and a long hug not wanting to let go.

Play ominous music here everyone.

She hugs me back and tells me that she loves me. There is not a day that does not go by that I do not fall in love with that woman more and more. Plus, how many women do you know would be okay with being Mrs. Claus? I can only name two. Ashlee wipes a tear from her eye as she heads to the bakery with Laken and Victoria.

The four of us head to the sleigh as if we are the team from Reservoir Dogs or as if we were going to be flying the Apollo 13 ship. Oh god, that isn’t foreshadowing, is it? Timeout. Narrator guy, can you please tell me what happens later on?

No. Do you want me to give the readers spoilers? This is why we can’t have nice things; you know this right? That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard. I am not going to tell you your fate in this story. The only thing that can do that is time, and the writer. And since I am not a timelord and can’t manipulate those two things, you sir, are shit out of luck. Time In.

The four of us board the sleigh in hope for a safe trip to plan out Christmas Eve. We are starting to strap into the sleigh. There are helmets in this sleigh. Kids, safety is very important. If you do not protect your mind, you could end up writing Christmas Stories on an online magazine.

As Santa prepares for the test run with his crew, Or should it be posse? Santa’s Posse has a fun ring to it. I am calling it posse. As the Posse was putting the final touches on the test run, a plan was being hatched in the tracking room. A plan so sinister that it would have given Charles Manson a criminal hard on.

“I know I am supposed to be in control of the two of you, but I have to tell you guys because you are my friends, I am not a fan of Christmas. I do not like being cold. The cold weather makes me so angry; I could curse. Gee Golly Willikers! I hate the snow. I just do not like anything about this holiday, except for spending time with everyone. And sometimes I just want to be alone reading a good book, drinking a glass of wine.” Sharon rants as Edd starts to perk up.

“I understand completely. I am not about Christmas. But I will tell you that I love Halloween. Everything to do with it. The scares, the costumes, horror movies, fall, leggings. Sure, you can wear leggings at Christmas, but who wants to wear fleece all the time.” Kindra responds.

“Oh my gosh. Halloween is my favorite. I wish there were second Halloween! So, we could have more candy, more costumes, and more fun.” Sharon and Kindra just shared a bond. I am not sure what the term for bromance is between two women, but it’s that.

“Ladies, what if I told you that I had a plan to get rid of this commercial holiday, and replace it with second Halloween?” Edd said in a very evil tone. The only thing missing was an evil laugh and doing that weird thing with your hands.

Meanwhile back on the launching pad….

“I have always wanted to say this. Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed….” Zac says loudly. And without missing a beat, I respond. “Roger. Ready to move out.”

“Zac and Richard, you know you said that last year as well?” Brodie says puzzled as to why we would make the same joke two years in a row.

“Way to be a nerdy buzz kill. Zac and I had a moment. And no one can take that away from us.” I responded.

“Get out.” Zac chuckles as we take off into the Northern Lights.

Edd begins to tell his terrible plan for world domination as if he were channeling a famous cartoon mouse.

“Here is what we do, we have control of the Tracking in the sleigh. All I have to do is reprogram two codes, and that sleigh will go down faster than a Craigslist date at a glory hole.”

Sharon stops him…. “I don’t want to kill them.”

“We aren’t going to kill them. But they will be lost, and will not be able to be found until after Christmas, and that means Mrs. Claus takes over. And I have it on good authority that she also loves everything about Halloween. It would be simple to change Christmas to second Halloween.” Edd, tell the ladies.

“But Edd, if they fall in a huge town everyone will see it. Wouldn’t that mean someone would find them and the plan fails?” Kindra asks

“I have already thought through. In three minutes, they are going to be flying over a part of the map that is completely blacked out. And something tells me, that it will be the perfect spot. What do you say, ladies? We can have our wildest dreams come true. No Christmas this year, all Halloween. All you have to do is say yes…..”

Kindra looks up at her husband and says yes. It all came down to Sharon. She is as conflicted as if she were the child of Leia and Han Solo. On the one hand, it was her friends in that sleigh, but on the other hand, it was all of her dreams come true to have another Halloween. No more having to deal with the Elf on Shelf. No more Christmas Trees, No more shopping in crowded malls. It would be leggings, scary things, costumes, and horror movies. The decision is not easy…….

“Hell Yeah!” Sharon screams out.

Edd goes to work on the tracker. He has less than 90 seconds to program the codes in to cause the sleigh to go down over the target area. But back on the sleigh.

“I can’t be the only one that each time they hear, All I Want For Christmas is You; you somehow want to just hug someone? Would that be weird? That song is really happy and just makes my body feel warm.” I tell the others.

“I am disappointed in all of you. That Mariah Carey song is not half as good as anything by Pentaonix.” Hannah says. When all of a sudden, the sleigh jerked.

“Edd, Sharon, Kindra is anyone there…..Hello. Something is going wrong with the slei-”

But before they finished the sentence, the sleigh started to take a nose dive. And plummeting straight to the ground at a very high rate of speed.

“Do not respond,” Edd says to the ladies. “They have to believe we can’t hear them to make it work.”

Back in the Sleigh.

“If this is it……I want everyone to know that I like to dress as Shania Twain and sing country songs in our personal bathroom at the North Pole.” I exclaim. Sometimes it’s just nice to get those things out in the open, especially when your life is about to come crashing down like the career of Kathy Griffin.

Mrs. Claus could feel something wrong. She knew something was amiss. She pulls a tray of cookies out of the oven….the sleigh comes face to face with the ground.

“Ashlee! What is wrong?” Laken asks. The pan meets the floor causing a huge thud on the ground. Ashlee’s face shows an emotion she is not used to at all, fear.

“He’s hurt. I still feel him, but he is hurt.”

Edd, Kindra, and Sharon have the ball rolling on changing Christmas to Halloween. And without Santa can anyone stop them………….

“Edd, where did they end up?” Sharon asks puzzled.

“I had the sleigh go down in a town called, hold on, I have to look it up……….. Here it is. The town is called…….Humbug.

Did you see that twist coming? Cause, I didn’t, and I am writing the story. Will Edd, Kindra, and Sharon be able to start the new holiday of second Halloween instead of Christmas? Will Santa and his posse be ok? And how will the town of Humbug react? Find this out and more in Part 2 of Rated X-MAS!!!!