Its Rated X-Mas: (Not That Kind of Tale) Pt. 2
(Oh My God, I just fartled myself. That is when you fart and shart at the same time….I didn’t see you all there. If there is a way that you could strike what you have just read from the record, that would be greatly appreciated. And if you won’t do that, is it possible that $5 would make you forget. No?! Okay, moving on. The last time we left you, things seemed to look real bleak for the big man and his posse. Edd, Kindra, and Sharon have done the unthinkable by crashing Santa’s sleigh to the snow-covered ground. And to make matters worse, it’s a small town where all the eating establishments close at 2 in the afternoon. I am not sure that they did not land in Hell instead. And Mrs. Claus has a premonition that something is wrong on the epic trial run of the new sleigh. If you haven’t checked out part one, click HERE. If you have, grab your favorite snack, and your favorite person because it is time to Christmas Story and Chill.)
The second part of our journey begins in the woods that the sleigh crashed in. A mysterious figure is walking around in the woods. He seems to be inquisitive about what just happened. He appears from just behind the tree line to peak at the wreckage. Only one thing seems to go through his mind.
“What’s This? There is magic everywhere. What’s This? Not this year mother fucker.”
Jack points at Richard and takes off running back in the woods laughing.
“Jack is kind of a bitch.” Brodie says to the rest of the group as they nod in agreement. I give that asshole the finger.
Jack knows that the pain of our heroes means his life is saved this year. It is a Christmas miracle. Meanwhile, at the North Pole, inside the Santa Tracking room. Here we find a very happy trio of people, as they have just found success in their plan of turning Christmas into a second Halloween.
“We fucking did it. Santa is out of the picture. And now the one true holiday can become celebration of kings and queens. We will dine on the flesh; blood will be dripping into the streets. Fear will set into the hearts of all men and women. And sugar crashes that will topple childhood regimes. Yes, I can see it now. Pain and suffering over the land. Zombies are running amuck, ripping our hearts and eating brains. It sounds like a more glorious Wizard Of Oz. Just no Dog to fuck it up.” Sharon exclaimed. Kindra is starting to applaud her as if this is almost cult-like. It comes across really weird and creepy. I need a parent to hold me.
“Sharon. I love your enthusiasm. Don’t ever change that; it is a wonderful quality to have. I know we achieved our mission of crashing the sleigh. And now our plan to change Christmas to Halloween 2.0 is going to be happening, but I need you to bring it down a notch or two. We need you to sound like an actual human being, and right now, you sound like a Disney Villain about to take a young mermaid’s voice. Are we good?” Edd asks Sharon. Edd is somewhat afraid, but Sharon nods showing her support to the actual cause and mission.
Outside Humbug, a sleigh sits……
“I never thought that would work in a million years. Once I heard what the fully loaded model had with it, I knew I had to have it. Little did I know that it would save our lives.” I yelled at the top of lungs.
“How did you think up the idea of putting that on the sleigh?” Brodie asks.
“It was simple. I was watching a very educational program called Looney Tunes. During this one episode one of the characters were falling, and somehow,hitting the ground. I figured it would be a wonderful addition to add to this sleigh.” I said.
“Cartoons saved our lives? Well, the more you know!” Hannah said baffled but does realize that the sleigh is powered by the spirit of Christmas.
“Mrs. Claus told me it was a bad idea, well she can suck it.” I say with a sense of I told you so under my breath.
“OMG, is everyone okay? Does anyone need medical attention?” She says.
“We are fine.” Hannah responds. “My name is Hannah. This is my husband Zac, our friend Brodie, and that guy is Richard.”
The one thing about being Santa is that you can’t let people know your identity. In the rules of Santa, if someone finds your Santa, the current Santa will lose his position as Santa and can be subject to arrest. Richard tries to be as stealthy and shady as possible. He has his back turned to the young woman.
“Richard! Richard? Richard?” Brodie is yelling at me.
“Nothing is working. What do we do?” Zac says worriedly.
“Is he dead?” Hannah asks.
“I don’t know!?” Brodie exclaimed
“Zac, why don’t you find out!” Hannah asks.
“Why don’t you! Cause I don’t want the thought of touching a dead guy.” Zac responded.
“Because…..No. That is why!” Hannah says. “Brodie, touch him.”
“I am not touching him. I do not know where he has been.” Brodie responds.
“At least my answer meant not touching a dead guy, want to know where he has been? With us, you numpty. He lives in the Lysol part of the world. It’s so cold it probably kills all the germs.” Zac responds to Brodie.
“I am not sure that is how it works.” Hannah replies.
“Oh my head.” I respond.
“Richard, you are alive” Brodie screams out.
They were shocked. They truly believed he was dead. There is still a possible thought this may start the Zombie apocalypse.
“Who is Richard? Where am I? Where is my macaroni and cheese?”
“I think he needs to go the hospital to get checked out. I think that tree branch may have done some significant damage. I can take you there.” The woman says.
“That would be amazing.” Hannah replies.
“My name is Lesle by the way. It’s about a mile away to Humbug. We will be there in no time. And if would make it easier, we could put him the wagon that I was gathering in wood in so he doesn’t have to walk.” She says.
Lesle leads the Santa and his posse to the ER in Humbug to hopefully get some answers about Richard’s health. But back at the North Pole, Edd, Kindra, and Sharon’s plan are taken up a notch when they run into some familiar faces.
“I love the fact that our plan is turning out perfectly. With Richard out of the picture that will allow us the chance to say Trick or Treat instead of Happy Holidays. I love it when a plan comes together.” Edd says
Little did he know lurking around the corner would be two people that he did not want to hear the plan of getting rid of Christmas. Santa is friends with all the holiday characters. They will usually get together every Thursday night to play poker at the Easter Bunny’s speak easy. In this case, it just happened to be the hop along king of Easter, and shit filled love baby, Cupid.
“Listen here Edd; I heard what you did to Santa. And let me tell you this, you will be sleeping with the fishes if I have my way.” Cupid says to Edd in what is the worst 1940s mobster voice that any man woman or child has ever heard.
“You better bring him back now, because you don’t The League of Holiday Mascots coming after you. Not only with they fuck your world up, but will hollow you out like a cheap Chocolate Bunny.” The Easter Bunny threatens the three-people responsible. Edd does not take to kindly to being threatened lightly. Instead of doing the noble thing and walking away, Edd goes on the attack. But he is outnumbered two to one. It didn’t take long before Kindra and Sharon would join in. The two women ganged up on the Easter Bunny rendering him completely useless. Apparently, rabbits who deliver Cadbury eggs have slightly less strength than two small women. All the power in this pairing is with Cupid, who started charging towards Edd. Flying at such a speed, he could have broken the sound barrier. Edd steps out of the way in the nick of time as if almost Cupid had started to channel Wile E Coyote and his powers of hurting himself. Cupid slid down the window like a human Plinko Chip. Edd looks around the hallway to see what he could find. The only thing he was able to locate was one of Santa’s old bags. However, Santa’s bags are full of magic, and once you become locked in one, you really can’t escape. It’s is a hell that can’t be explained.
Cupid placed in the bag was not able to do a thing. They knew what had happened, but they had no idea what their fate could be. Cupid and the Easter Bunny have become casualties of this war that has become Halloween, I mean Christmas, I mean Halloween. This is not good. This could be the end of Christmas, and now Easter and Valentine’s Day are at risk. They could come after talk like a pirate day. The evil these three could do could be endless. Edd, Kindra, and Sharon had to make a side mission to take care of a couple of extra issues. We head to the North Pole bakery where we find a distraught Ashlee not being able to get through to her husband.
“Please pick up!!!! Please answer. I am going to worry myself sick over this. What if he is gone? What if he is somewhere out there, hurt or even worse, eating someone else’s cookies. I am not sure of what I would do without him.” Ashlee can only think of the worst scenarios possible, and those thoughts were made very easily by Richard not picking up his phone. “Victoria! Laken! What should I do?”
“He is fine. He’ll come home. Fatter and happier than ever.” Victoria says to Ashlee.
The three leave the bakery to head down to the Santa tracker room to see if they can somehow communicate with the Big Guy. But as they are walking, they come upon the cafeteria, and a certain elf is sitting at a table eating lunch. Edd is eating, trying to play it off like nothing is wrong other than the fact that the sleigh is missing.
“So, what happened? Edd where is my husband?” Ashlee asked all frazzled.
“Well, we were watching the tracker. And it seemed like the test flight was going swimmingly well. We looked down to check Elf Book, and when we looked up. The sleigh was off the map. We tried making call after call. We have sent numerous beacons, and none have been answered. Mrs. Claus, if he is out there, I will find him. (Under his breath….It will just be December 26th.)”
“Edd, what was that last part?” Ashlee asked. She was puzzled as to why he would say something so low where she could not hear it. That was not proper etiquette.
“I said I am over sexted.” Edd responded with a slight hint of vanilla and fuck ton of sarcasm. “But Mrs. Claus, while you are here. I have a question to ask you. What is the protocol if we can’t find Santa Claus.” Edd asked.
“I have to think about it. But I do believe in the handbook that if Santa is not able to perform his duties on Christmas, the option would be to find a replacement or cancel the holiday. Why do you ask, Edd?”
“I was thinking Mrs. Claus, and it would need your approval, but I have a solution to the problem. What about replacing Christmas with a second Halloween? Children would still have fun; they would be able to go door to door to collect candy and whatever else they felt like. If we can’t have Christmas, we should at least try to make the little ones happy and some adults. Plus, more pumpkin spice, and leggings than one woman would know what to do with!” Edd asked Ashlee.
Ashlee’s face was left in a pondering tone. She was able to see both sides of the argument. And she knew the points he presented were of a decent variety. She didn’t give an answer….
“Mrs. Claus, I believe that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” Edd fires back.
Ashlee leaves the cafeteria. Edd breathes a sigh of relief as if his pants were on too tight. However, Laken was enamored by what Edd was eating.
“I hope I am not overstepping my boundaries, but where did you get the hot wings?” Laken wanted to know.
“I made them myself! Would you like a taste? The sauce is a secret family recipe.” Edd replies.
“OMG, Yes please.” Laken takes one of the wings and takes a bite. “Holy Shit! The meat melts in your mouth. And this sauce is so smooth, decadent. What is your secret ingredient? Laken asks.
Edd without missing a beat, and coming across a tad creepy says the one answer that we didn’t want to hear. “Love!”
Meanwhile, the posse back in Humbug is now in the city. But Hannah and Zack are confused at what is in the town.
“Lesle, I want to ask you a question. I know we just met you, but I know Christmas is just hours away, where are all the decorations? Where are the people at? This town seems to be dead.” Hannah talks to Lesle.
Lesle shakes her head and wonders how these strangers would react to the truth. “It’s a long story.”
“I think we have plenty of time to hear it.” Brodie says to her.
“You are going to make fun of me. I have that feeling.” Lesle awkwardly says.
“Try us. We have seen some shit. We have been part of a civil war over hot fucking chocolate toppings. I think whatever you have to tell us will pale in comparison. And maybe, just maybe, we will be able to help you in any way we can.” Zac said with a bit of inspiration. At that moment, his balls grew two sizes bigger that day.
“It all started 25 years ago. This is the Humbug everyone seems to know. But at one time this place lived and breathed Christmas. The entire town would come together to put up trees, decorate neighbors’ homes even when they were not physically able too. It was the norm. My grandfather, 25 years ago discovered his love for this holiday celebrated by people all across the globe. The first year, he bought presents for his family in hopes that he would make others feel the kind of excitement that he did. He was the first in line, and the last one home. He would do it to put a smile on their faces. One day, I woke up and I couldn’t find my grandfather anywhere. But I received a letter from him telling me to prepare for Christmas Eve. He told me that something special would happen that night and gather the towns……..” Lesle is interrupted by the doctor at the emergency room, while Hannah and Zac look at each other in confusion.
“Macaroni and Cheese Please, it makes my stomach happy. Mac and Cheese for me, mom and daddddyyyyyy. It’s edible cheese and noodle, and I want my bowl now!!!!” I sing. Because I have no idea what I am really doing.
“As a medical professional, I am of three opinions which I found on Web MD according to the symptoms of the person in question. First, he could be suffering from being pregnant. The second is that you may have cancer, and finally, he could have a head trauma causing amnesia. Which his mind may come back on its own, or he is going to have to take another hit on the head.
Not being able to remember who you sound terrible, but the one great thing is that if you had a one-night stand, you wouldn’t have to remember it. Pepperidge Farms might, but you do not have to. In the hallway of the Workshop, Ashlee runs into the other two members of the team watching the tracker.
“Have you ladies heard from Richard? I am starting to become a nervous wreck.” Ashlee asked panicked.
“We have not. I am sorry Ashlee. Maybe, we will hear something soon. He is fine. He is probably buying you a kick-ass Christmas present with some sort of romantic bullshit story.” Kindra says. It seems a tad bitchy and mean, but Ashlee is willing to look past the statement because all she wants is loveable chubby bear home.
“Ashlee, why don’t you take this Lucky Rabbit’s foot?” Sharon asks.
“I don’t really want to. Those things are creepy. Plus, I never know where the rabbit has been. What if it’s a rabbit that somehow came in contact with a lot of germs. I just can’t do that.” Ashlee says. Sharon becoming more impatient. “Take the damn, Rabbit Foot.” She implies.
Ashlee not wanting to deal with a goth girl scorned took the foot against her will. But attached to that foot was a note. A simple message that said check the code. I wonder what that means. Ashlee and her helpers run down the hallway of the North Pole as if they are the Breakfast Club running away from their principal. Back at the emergency room…….
“I am going to take Richard back and perform a few tests, but I feel my online diagnosis is correct. I have only been 7 times in my career.” The Doctor says.
“How long have you been a doctor?” Brodie asks.
The doctor looks down at his watch, looks up at the posse. “As of 4:30 this afternoon, 4 hours 21 minutes.” The doctor gets disgusted looks from all of the posse, and even Lesle.
As Richard is being rolled to the back. A small television in the corner was on a local channel playing a repeat of A Charlie Brown Christmas. I love that cartoon, but I hate fucking Woodstock. I don’t see how a beagle and a bird can be friends. The dog should just eat the bird, and call it a holiday. That is all I want for Christmas. Sorry, Anger. Back at the North Pole…..Ashlee, Laken, And Victoria make it to the Santa tracker room. Ashlee
At the hospital, Lesle continued her story.
Three years ago, my Grandfather passed away, and so did the spirit of Humbug. I remember Grandpa telling me that if your town didn’t believe in the spirit of Christmas, that Santa would pass you by. You would become the town that forgot Christmas.
The nurse turned up the television…….
“BREAKING NEWS: This just into the HNN Newsdesk. It is with my deepest condolences that Christmas for 2017 has been canceled. However, a new holiday will take its place this year so the kids will be able to have a lot of fun still, and crash after eating a lot of sugar. Christmas this year will be replaced by Halloween 2.0! And the face of this holiday will be Jack Skellington.
“Fuck this. I know I am bringing him back. I have a plan.” Brodie storms out of the hospital determined to build a snowman or some shit.
“Lesle, how did your Grandfather know about Santa not visiting towns with Christmas spirit?” Zac asked.
“Each year when Santa would come, the town would go all out. We would roll out the red carpet and celebrate him. Three years ago, all of that went away when he passed. There is something you probably should know. My Grandfather was Santa Claus………..”
Hannah and Zac at the same time…..”Wait, What!?!?”
Her grandfather was Santa Claus, how can that be. Will Richard be able to get over the amnesia and remember he owes me 5 bucks and how will Brodie’s plan fit into all of this? And what will Mrs. Claus do in retaliation? Also, did Sharon sell out her friends? The answers to those questions and more. In Part 3 of Its Rated X-Mas tomorrow night. Same Bat Time. Same Bat Channel