It’s Rated X-Mas:(Not That Kind of Tale) The Finale
(Too much is happening at one time. My mind can’t comprehend. It is too much to fucking to handle. Why would anyone not eat at an all you can eat buffet inside a casino. I mean, the possibilities are endless. You couldn’t eat one of everything if you came back for an entire month. I feel this is what dreams are made of in this world. Take my love, take my land, but you will not take my rack of lamb. And thus, is the perfect description to how you were left at the end of part two which if you missed you can read by clicking HERE. And if you just start reading the finale without knowing any of the prior story and are confused, that is your own damn fault. I am not mad at you, but as your narrator, I am disappointed in you. I know you can do better than that. I have seen you do better. The artwork on the fridge tells me when you apply yourself you can do anything. Where were we? At the end of part two, Mrs. Claus had discovered that the Santa tracker had been tampered with, those bloody bastards. She found out through a lucky rabbit’s foot from Sharon. Does that mean Sharon is a double agent? I am narrating this and do not believe that has ever been discussed. Edd and Kindra have canceled Christmas to replace it with Halloween 2.0. Why 2.0 you ask? Because it will be Bigger, Better, Weenier. I am not sure what the third word could have been in that sentence, but we are accepting Weenier. And the new figurehead of Halloween 2.0 is the mortal fictional enemy of our Santa Claus, Jack Skellington. Meanwhile in Humbug, we learn who Lesle is. She is the granddaughter of Santa, but how can that be? Our Santa is only 33 years old, that is some weird shit even in 2017. Someone get the Maury show on the phone. Santa ended up hitting his head and getting amnesia, which Brodie has an idea to fix. Something tells me that it is going to be different. And now ladies and gentlemen, strap yourselves in. Put on some god damn pants, just so we can blow them right back off of you. Because it is time for the finale of the 2017 Christmas Story.)
The announcement on the television left everyone confused at the North Pole, more importantly they were wondering what had happened to Santa. The last time this happened in a story, the world ended up with Tim Allen, and I am not sure anyone really wants that. Edd, Kindra, and Sharon begin to address the masses of the North Pole. They gather all the workers under a ledge in the middle of the square, this looks familiar. I think I have seen this somewhere before. I have 5 bucks that Edd starts singing some rendition of Don’t Cry for Me Argentina.
“Workers of the North Pole, listen to me. Nothing will be changing except that we will now be celebrating the World’s Greatest Holiday. Our official drink will no longer be Hot chocolate with the topping of your choice, because everyone is entitled to their wrong opinion. It will now become a Pumpkin Spice Chai Latte from Starbucks. This is the drink of our people. No longer will Christmas music be played throughout the North Pole, but instead it will be replaced with the sounds of Rob Zombie and the Monster Mash on a complete loop until the end of time. The official uniform of the North Pole will no longer be the elf costumes you have on now, but in fact, it will be a ghost costume, complete with a Santiago Cirilo Hi-Yah! Hat. (Note from writer: We love that guy and figured we were contractually obligated to give him a plug in this part of the 2017 Christmas Story.) This is not the time to be resting on everything you know. This is the time Join the Revolution. If you are not with us, you will be left behind like Kirk Cameron. This your time to rise up and say fuck commercialism. This is your time to be the voice you want to be. To make people take a stand. Halloween 2.0 is not just for us, but a real holiday for real people. And by the way, everyone will get fucking candy corn. Candy corn for the masses. That will be the official treat of Halloween 2.0. Everything will be Pumpkin Spice and Candy Corn powered. Are you with me North Pole?” Edd says to the group of people somehow channeling his inner Adolf Hitler, Mussolini, or Billy Mays. That guy could sell me anything. I feel what he is putting down.
“I made a terrible mistake. I love Halloween, and would rather have it over Christmas. But not with candy corn. That will not happen.” Sharon says under breath as she takes off running back inside to the North Pole Workshop. As Edd continues to get praise with his wife by his side as he brings out Jack Skellington for announcement celebration.
“You see this character right here. This is Jack.” Edd says as Jack waves to the crowd looking like an idiot. He looks like the chance card in Monopoly that says you want second prize in a beauty contest, collect $10.
“This is everything that is wrong with Christmas!” Edd pulls out a knife, weirdly autographed by Helena Bonham Carter. He proceeds to stab Jack as if he were Julius Caesar in ancient Rome. Needless to say, Edd did not think that one through because a quick Google search would have told you that skeletons do not have skin or bleed. Kindra was thinking quickly on her feet, hits Jack in the head with a bat wrapped in barb wire. We are not contractually obligated to tell you the show that the bat came from, just know it is a show about the dead, walking. Jack’s head goes flying into the crowd as if it was a home run for the New York Yankees. But again, not realizing the crowd, this event gets more cheers than even they expected. Edd and Kindra stand tall as Halloween 2.0 is approaching.
Humbug is becoming the land of confusion. Brodie is outside the hospital, concocting something that will leave a reasonable person scratching his head. A woman came up and asked him about his plan.
“What are you doing?” the woman asks. “Sorry. I should introduce myself first. My name is Manda; I am a writer for the Humbug Holiday Times. Normally, I write music, but I can’t help but notice what you are doing over here. I was wondering if you could tell me?”
“Simple. First, my name is Brodie. If you are going to write a story about this make sure you spell it right. It is B R O D I E. It would be the first time in a newspaper, and I feel that my mom would be completely proud of me. You will have to mail me a copy when it gets printed. One of the coolest people ever, can’t get his memory back. He has amnesia. So, I figured what is the best way to get your memory back when you have Amnesia?” Brodie asks.
“I am not sure.” Manda replies.
“The same way you get it, to begin with. You hit your head.” Brodie exclaims.
“I am not sure that is how that works,” Manda says puzzled.
“It is. I learned it from watching cartoons. And if there is one thing that this adventure has taught me is that cartoons are fucking real. So, you see that bowling ball. It will start down the makeshift ramp, and once it gets to the bottom, it will knock over the line of plants that I stole from the front of the hospital. Once that falls, it will cause a rock tied to the end of a string will fling into the window of room 358 on the third floor. Once the window is busted and glass is going be all over the floor, a pissed off nurse will see the rock tied to a string. Throw it back out the window and swing to hit my friend once he walks out of the hospital door.” Brodie says.
“I know this may sound dumb, but why not hit him in the head with the rock yourself?” Manda asks. Damn reporters being all nosy and shit.
“It’s too easy. That would be trying to make popcorn in the microwave.” Brodie says.
Manda just stands there wishing she would somehow be hit by the rock and hoping to forget what she has just heard.
In the hospital, the conversation between Hannah, Zac, and Lesle continue.
“Your grandfather is Santa?” Zac asked.
“Yes,” Lesle responded.
“Ummm. I am not sure how that works.” Hannah said. She had to bite her tongue knowing that she is not allowed to talk about the real identity of the big man.
“Well, when a man and woman love each other.”
“Go on,” Zac replies seductively.
“Shut up! Zac.” Hannah looks at Zac disapprovingly.
“My grandfather was Santa. See, I remember my grandfather sitting down with me to tell me stories of his famous midnight travels. He would share story after story. He told us about all of these amazing places, and stories of getting to know families. His biggest complaint was that he never got to spend that much time in the places that he was visiting. Between those stories and the note he left me about Christmas Eve, I was able to put two and two together. My grandfather was Santa Claus. At least to me. I never did get to say goodbye to him. We just received a letter that he was gone, and they sent a box of belongings. It was his war medals, and pictures of us that he always kept. He was my hero.”
Hannah and Zac try to fight back the tears from falling down their face.
“I keep a picture of him with me everywhere I go,” Lesle says as she pulls out a picture of her grandfather.
“Why does he look familiar to me?” Hannah says aloud.
“Well, because he is fat with a beard. All fat bearded guys look like Santa.” Zac says with a smile on his face. He knew he was right. There was no time to change his mind.
As the three of them continued their conversation, Richard was released.
“My bologna has a first name…………”
Still not cured. Brodie sees him walking to the door. He prepares to get his memory back in the style of Tom & Jerry. The hospital door opens and……We head back to the hallway of the Northpole where Sharon finds Mrs. Claus talking to Tiffany, Victoria, and Laken.
“He is gone. Damn it. No one can find him. Not even the North Pole Private Investigators Mr. Bobo and Mr. Peacock could locate his whereabouts. (They sound like rejected villain names from the game Clue.) It’s over. Everything has been taken from me.” Ashlee is hysterical. Sharon comes running down the hall.
“I know where he is!” Sharon exclaimed out of breath.
“He is gone. No more snuggles, no more calling me Panda Pants. No more spanking me when the moon is half full on a Tuesday.”
That is a little odd, and quite specific. Tiffany, Victoria, and Laken all try to get Ashlee to calm down enough to just hear out Sharon.
“Woman!” Tiffany yells out. And then in the blink of an eye, Tiffany’s hand comes back and slaps Ashlee right across the face. “Get it together!!!!” Ashlee gets snapped back to reality. As Sharon grabs her face….
“ASHLEE. I KNOW WHERE HE IS.” Sharon yelled in her face.
Ashlee stopped for a moment. She took in a breath, “Tell me everything. Now!” Ashlee demanded.
And Sharon does just that. If this were a crime show, it would be the opposite of Making a Murder. Sharon said everything. Even told Ashlee the code….
“The code to bring the Sleigh back on the tracker is RATED X-MAS!!!!” Sharon says.
“EDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!! KINDRAAAAAAAA! HERE! NOWWWWWWWWWWW!”
Men will understand this. When it gets frigid outside, and your penis decides that it needs warmth to survive and somehow, it shoots itself back up inside of you, making you look like you have camel toe? That is exactly what happened to Edd. If a woman screams at you that never gets mad, it may be time to start thinking about the power of Christ. Edd and Kindra show up in the blink of an eye. They do not want to feel the wrath of Mrs. Claus.
“Get in the sleigh. We are going to these coordinate’s right fucking now.” She said. Mrs. Claus dropped the F-bomb. The game has changed.
The sleigh is gone in a Flash of light. And will be there in seconds. Meanwhile back in Humbug. The cops have Brodie in handcuffs.
“You really thought that would work? Hitting him on the head again would cause him to gain his memory back? That is the dumbest thing I have heard all year.” The cop says laughing as he is filling out paperwork. Brodie’s plan worked until the Nurse who happened to be in the room, thought the rock was meant to take her life. She just called the police instead of throwing it back out the window. Zac and Hannah come outside with Lesle to see what all the commotion was about. Only to find one of their own in handcuffs.
“I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for you meddling kids.” Brodie Laughs. “I have always wanted to say that in a situation.”
All of a sudden, a giant burst of light appears. And surprise they have been found by Mrs. Claus. Which looked like it broke every rule in the book, but I think at this point no one is going to cross the wife of Santa anymore. Well, at least not this year.
“I do not care about any of you right now. Where is my husband?!!” She asks.
“He is over there talking about something random,” Zac says.
Ashlee makes her way over to Santa. However, she came prepared. No wife of Santa will leave home without sneaking some of her famous sugar cookies.
“Hi. Did you know that if you read this Watchtower magazine good things will happen to you!”
“Sure, hun. Eat this. It will make you feel better.” Ashlee says to Richard knowing that if this does not work nothing would. Everyone is holding their breath, well except for Manda, because the only person she has met in this story tried to take out a nurse.
“I think it is all coming back to me. It’s as if I had some of Grannie’s fixer elixir! I remember everything, where the fuck are we. And how long before Christmas?” As I said those words, I could feel a rumble under my feet as if something big was happening. It was one of the first times in a long while that the word Christmas was uttered in Humbug.
“Not long. We have to get back North.” Ashlee says. “You have to be ready for the big run.”
I nod. But I have questions. “First off, why do I have this splitting headache. And also, somehow remember something called Halloween 2.0!” Edd and Kindra began to slide down in their seat hoping no one would see them.
“Hi. You don’t know who I am. But my name is Lesle. Are you Santa? I thought my grandfather was Santa.” She says.
“Hi, Lesle. I do know who you are, your grandfather and I got to know each other very well. There is a lot you do not know, but the sense I am not sure why half of these people are here yet, I will explain. Gather around everyone; I think that all of you may need to hear a story. Eight years ago, I knew none of you. I was in a much different place then. My Christmas spirit was gone. And I never thought I would ever get it back. That was until I met your Grandfather. He had one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen on a person. Each year, he would set up an adventure for me to go on, so I would be able to have some sort of Christmas. And in 2014, that all changed. I was going through a lot in life, and his health started to fail. He set one last adventure, ultimately ending with me taking over the job as Santa. LesleLesle, you have the spirit and are the official Santa of Humbug, if you want the job!
People are shocked.
“Ummm Yes!” Lesle says emotion running wild in her voice.
“Come back with us to the North Pole, and I will get what you need for your night bringing Christmas to the town Christmas forgot.” As I am walking back, I get hugs from everybody, Zac, Hannah, my wife. But that does bring us to Edd, Sharon, And Kindra.
“Can I talk to you guys alone for a second,” I say to them. We walk away from the others to make sure that they do not hear us.
“You know, I already knew about second Halloween before I took off?” I say. The three of them look confused.
“How?” Asked Kindra.
“Yeah. How?” Asked Edd. Knowing that good and well his plan was not found out.
“Remember I am Santa Claus. Plus, you left your browser up with all the information.”
“Fuck!” Edd says.
“But I am not done. I should be upset, but I am the complete opposite. I learned that we need to treat the other holidays just as equal as Christmas. Okay, the important ones. That is why, I am giving you a second Halloween. And Sharon, since I know Christmas is not your thing, the holiday is yours to mold any way you like. Plus, I am giving you February, 14th. All you have to do is take out Cupid somehow.” I say.
“Well, looks like second Halloween is a go,” Edd says with a prideful smile.
As I walk back to my sleigh, I realized how blessed I truly am….. “Brodie, why are you in handcuffs?”
“Well, when you got amnesia, I set up a Rube Goldberg device to hit you in the head again.” Brodie Says.
“ARE YOU FUCKING LOONEY? What if that rock would have I don’t know hit me in the God Damn eye. Have you ever drove reindeer with one fucking eye? I do not think so. Do you know how fucking dumb that is……”
For the sake of young people reading this, we have to stop the tirade right there. It gets fouler, and he says phrases in seven different languages. It’s kind of impressive and sad at the same time. If you were wondering, Humbug had its first Christmas in years and seem to have to started a new tradition. Richard was even in the town square to watch it happen. It just goes to show you, no matter your age Christmas can be special again. All you need is a little magic.
From all of us here at TBK Magazine. We wish you a Merry Christmas and A Happy Holidays!