A Rant from the Desk of Edd: Where Did You get Your License?

Over the past few weeks, months, hell… years… I have been driving a lot more around other parts of the country. I can honestly say that I should have a certified stamp on my license as an endorsement for logged miles. I go from state to state for television, book signings, publishing duties, productions, and awards ceremonies. Why not fly, you ask? Well, shipping freight of books, boxes of them, is higher than just taking a day off and driving it most of the time. UPS and FedEx charge out the ass for their services and I have had more than one box of these books “misplaced” (read that as stolen) in the USPS, of which they will drop the case if they do not find said box within a certain time frame, say… a week. But where was I going on this? Oh yeah…

Where the fuck did some of you idiots learn to drive? I have a very large vehicle most of the time and it does not stop on a dime. It weighs over 5500 pounds without all the extras inside and out that has been done to it. It has larger tires, a stronger, beefier suspension, and performance upgrades, racks, and a brush guard. What makes you think that if you get in your little Fiat and come into my lane… with less than three feet to spare… and then slam on your brakes I will not run right through you trying to stop? Are you insane? Did Sears and Roebuck, co. give you a license for Christmas one year out of the big wish book that they used to send out to everyone? Did you just not see this very large, black, rolling vehicle that was in your rear-view mirror when you cut them the fuck off? For Christ’s sake, learn to drive.

On my last trip out of town, I noticed one thing, well actually three but this one was the worst. Drivers of KIA Souls are the worst. I know, I know… Richard and Ashlee Pruitt have one and could be exempt from this but I have never driven either beside nor around them so I am making a generalized comment here. Soul drivers will cut you off in a second and then act like you did something to them if you hit the horn, or by happenstance, they seem to suddenly see your fog lights in their rear-view mirror as they just cut you off. Oh, I’m sorry. Did my presence behind you disrespect your ancestors? I have also noticed that they will ride your ass down the highway. Hmmm, I wonder if that front bumper on those little “Guinea Pig-running-on-a-wheel” vehicles can handle a sudden shock from a class IV Reese hitch? I doubt it. If I cannot see your headlights in my mirror, you are too close and I will not be held responsible for the imaginary animal I am suddenly trying to not run over. Get me?

If you are simply trying to read my stickers on my back window… I will make it simple for you. One says my company name, another is for BLACK ARROW TATTOO, of which I am friends with one of their artists there, one is for Military, one is for the thin blue line as I support the boys in blue, several are for what I do, and one is for what happens if you try to jack my car. “.45 ACP… because shooting twice is silly.”

I do carry a firearm with me when I travel. I have CWP endorsements, and I research the local and state laws to see if there are any restrictions to carrying my firearm with me. I tell officers if I have a weapon in my possession should I get pulled over and I try hard to not break the law, although I do speed… a lot. Does that make me a bad guy? No, I am in just as much of a hurry as you are to get wherever I need to go and my carrying of my firearm is just in case. I would rather have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Get me?

Something you should keep in mind when you cut someone off in a jacked-up redneck wagon, or a crappy Camaro with wide tires on the back and a larger than needed hood scoop with a wing, all primer black in color… they likely have a gun too. Are you certain that they are not just stupid enough to use it on the highway? Common courtesy when we drive can go a long way toward making for fewer wrecks, fewer congestion due to ignorance of what is ahead on the highway, and a smoother trip from “A” to “B” and sometimes stopping at “C” along the way.

But enough about firearms… back to this as I have one point more to make.

Do you hear that annoying clicking sound that is coming from the dash as you drive, and see that green dot, or arrow on your instrument panel by the speedometer? Yeah? That’s your flasher. If you are not using it for a reason other than to annoy the piss out of others who may think you need over, turn it off. Yes, it should have turned itself off when you made your last turn, and yes, it should have done most of the work it was designed to do… and yes, you now have a newer car that has that momentary bullshit installed where if you barely press the handle by mistake it stays on until you correct it. Be aware of not only your surroundings but everything that is happening inside the vehicle. You are not supposed to stare blankly at the road when you drive… your eyes should constantly by moving from the road to the mirrors, to the dash instrumentation, to the road to the mirrors and back again. This will help you gain constant awareness of things happening not only in the car but around it and under the hood.

If your lights are on, especially the “check engine” and you are staring at the road, getting highway hypnosis (Google it here: https://driversed.com/resources/terms/highway_hypnosis.aspx), and not paying attention… then you know nothing about what is going on… especially that fucking blinker. And yes, I know they did not go over this in Driver’s ed. Trust me, I get it… they don’t go over a lot in that class in school. Somethings you have to learn from experience. This is one of them. Be aware of your surroundings. And put the fucking cell phone down. Most radios now have a Bluetooth activation choice, use that instead of talking on your phone with one hand on the wheel. Awareness and control go hand in hand. Get me?

I leave you with a final thought. No, I am not Jerry Springer. His were more philosophical in nature. Mine are more cut to the bone honest.

Common courtesy and common sense… are not that common on the highways anymore. Perhaps one day we will all be able to go somewhere by telling “Scotty” to “Beam me up.” Especially since the intelligent life here on this planet seems to be limited.  Until next time, be safe out there.

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Edd Sowder

Most people know Edd as the overactive and imaginative husband of novelist Kindra Sowder, or as the person the boss at TBK brings on the show that cusses a shit ton. He is a self-admitted asshole most of the time. Little is known of his writing prowess as he keeps it quietly to himself most of the time by helping other, far better authors with his editing skills on their novels… that being said, nothing read in the posts TBK allows him to have are edited professionally. Edd is not an idiot by any means but he has stayed in Holiday Inn Expresses at times. He prefers the country life and escapes to his family farm from time to time in Tennessee where he admits to having little to no cell phone coverage and loving it. He lives in South Carolina where he is chained to his desk most days and into the wee hours of the morning. Every now and again, he is able to fidget the lock enough to break loose and run amok amongst the common folk.
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