It’s Thanksgiving, and apparently, there is more to this holiday than food. What the hell? I am so confused by this. Why didn’t I get this memo? So, we are supposed to give thanks for the things that we are thankful for this year. And that got me thinking; I need to make a list of things that I am thankful for in 2018. And there is only one way to do that, with a list. It’s The Random Things I am Thankful For In No Particular Oder This Thanksgiving. And outside of the title, which will be a copy and paste job because I am lazy, that will never be typed out again. So. no more wasting time, let’s jump into the list.
As the first sentence of the entire article states, I thought this holiday was about food. And we are going to eat a lot of it. Turkey, Dressing, Pie, some of you sick weirdos will eat cranberry sauce. But what happens when you eat that much food? You start to carry a food baby. That is why I am thankful this year for stretchy waistbands. There is just something about cramming food down your throat in a pair of sweatpants and Birkenstocks that just screams the American Dream. And I am also not going to leave leggings out of this conversation. I do not care who you are, put on a pair of leggings, and you will have a religious experience. I am not making that up.
I am thankful for the fact that I can say “Screw you” to salad and have a second dessert. The CDC says that Romaine Lettuce contains E-Coli and that we need to throw it away. It bothers me that people pick and choose what decisions the CDC makes. Sure, throw away the bad lettuce. But the CDC says children need to be vaccinated, and a lot of people ignore that. But I digress. Pie is healthier than salad right now. It’s a great time to be alive.
I am thankful for SHOP TBK. Pick up a book or an awesome T-shirt at tbkmagazine.com/shoptbk or just click Shop. Cheap plug. Get over it.
I am thankful that Hulu brought back King of the Hill to binge. I love that show. I can relate to that show so much. However, Peggy episodes are so boring. Does anyone play competitive Boggle? And if you do, does your husband sell propane?
I am thankful for days when I hear Ace of Base on the radio, and the song is not instantly stuck in my mind on a loop.
I am thankful for Gordon Ramsay’s insults. Any man who can call someone a “fucking donut” should be a hero to many. That is a bucket list item too. If he calls me a “fucking donut” I will freak out. I will never complain again.
I am thankful for the nonstop Christmas movies on Hallmark.
I am thankful for Cyber Monday not because it sounds like something a person would do on a first Tinder date, but because of the results of a recent study. A study showed that Arkansas is the most dangerous state to shop in on Black Friday. So, if you don’t hear from me again, it is because I was shanked for a Roku.
I am thankful for Mermaid Sequins. My wife bought me a blanket with mermaid sequins, and it is my favorite thing ever. For me, it has the calming effect of a fidget spinner and a bag of weed. The only downside about using it to calm down is the fact I haven’t rubbed something that much since I was 13.
Most of these were kidding around, except for King of the Hill. But I really wanted to say that I am thankful for the people in my life. Without any of those people, I would be where I am today. While you are sitting around the table today giving thanks, treasure those moments. There are a lot of people out there who would love to be in the spot of spending the holiday with friends and family. Think about the men and women who have to work on this holiday instead of getting to enjoy time with the people they love. Take the time to remember those of the LGBTQ+ community that had their family turn their back on them because of just being true to who they are. Think about the men and women who have lost battles with a disease or depression or something else, that family is going to have one less chair this year. Live and love for each moment. Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Have drumstick for me.