I wonder if Hogwarts needs stamps to send postage by owl. And I get that they are magical creatures that are able to find their way through anything because that is just the way it is. I guess it is because wizards own the owls. But, does the owl not deliver the message if it doesn’t have a stamp. I know you want to get back to the Christmas story, but I need to figure this out so I can understand why Hogwarts is not allowing me to be a student.
I get it. I know what you are thinking. “Hey Mr. Narrator Guy, we want to know what happens next in the story.” And I guess I need to talk about that instead of where my letter of intent to Hogwarts is. So, where were we. The last time we left, we learned the North Pole is trying to become as popular as it once was with the public. Richard hears new ideas from the staff as to how to make that happen. Most of the ideas he shot down, and one was shot down by a person pitching the idea. That takes some real lady balls. As Richard mentally takes a stroll into the way Christmas used to be, he is interrupted by two staff members that worked the mail room. The two proceeded to tell Santa that letters were lost in the mail, and it’s possible some families were not able to have their Christmas wishes come true.
Now that is out of the way. Seriously, do the owls need some sort of payment. Hogwarts and YouTube movie director are my dreams. I should have been accepted to Hogwarts…..
“What in the world am I supposed to do with this.” I say to myself as I pace the floor. Confusion is taking over my mind. Never in the history of the North Pole has a letter been lost. How in the hell does something like this happen?
“Do you think we should open the letters?” A puzzled Sharon asks.
“At this point I am not sure. On one hand, the answer has to be yes. We need to know what these individuals wanted that year for Christmas. And what if they are children? Is it possible that a child didn’t have a Christmas? Even if it is one child, the role of Santa is almost a complete failure. Last year it was a city. And that is one thing. You can make a city believe. If one person believes, it should start to fall like dominoes. But, trying to mend a child with a broken heart is not as easy. And then on the other hand, if we don’t open the letters, it would be pretending as if it didn’t happen. This is not an easy decision at all. I feel like I am trying to choose between sticking my dick in a toast or sticking it in a blender. No matter what happens, we’re screwed.”
Sharon sits at the table trying to come up with the best plan of action. I am freaking out. And not in the way in which Schnozberries taste like Schnozberries.
I guess it doesn’t matter what I want. It’s about what you want. As the two of them ponder at what to do next. Edd, Kindra, and Jim are in the hallway discussing their plan to take out the elves on shelves.
“This is not going to be an easy mission. There are millions of these sons of bitches throughout the world. And taking out one may cause more to grow back.” Edd said with a sneer.
“Are you saying they are the herpes of the holiday world?” Jim asks.
Kindra looks at Jim and with one of the most serious expressions on her face she bellows, “You damn right.”
“I hate those fucking elves so much. And to think, they were not even Santa’s idea!” Edd says.
“What if instead of taking out elf by elf, we decide to take out their power source first.” Kindra asks.
Jim’s face turns for motivation to sheer horror as an idea crosses his mind. “We are going to kill the Easter bunny?” Jim says slightly mortified.
“God! Jim! No, that is just insane. We are not going to kill the Eas…..Well, now that I think about it….No. We can’t do that. Plus, how would it look if some of the regulars at his strip club took him out.” Edd states.
“I don’t want the bunny mafia coming after us. Those are some bad ass rabbits with no sense of shame. And some people you don’t want to piss off.” Kindra says.
“So, what is the plan?” A confused Jim asks, after being mortified that he is a little sad at the thought of the trio not taking out the Easter Bunny.
“Take out the infrastructure.” Edd says.
“It’s simple. Once the infrastructure is destroyed, the elves will not be able to report back to command that they are under attack. It also helps that they hate being touched.” Kindra exclaims.
A little unknown fact for the readers of this story about the Elf on the Shelf. There is a reason they hate being touched but it’s not because they can lose their magic. In fact, they are some of the world’s biggest germaphobes. Now, cue the ‘The More You Know’ gif.
“So, we break into the strip club. Destroy the computer. And then kill some god damn elves that rest on our shelves.” Edd says.
The trio has lust for blood in their eyes. I didn’t realize that the staff of the North Pole had a Jekyll and Hyde complex. You would think that the Zombie apocalypse just started. The trio goes to look for weapons. While this is happening. And trust me I am very intrigued to see how this plays out. Richard and Sharon are debating over what to do with the lost letters.
“Richard, I think we should open the letters. Yes, I know it is not going to be an easy pill to swallow, but I feel we need to know what was not answered.” Sharon says.
I sigh. “I guess.” The front of each letter is faded. The only way I am able to tell that these letters were sent to Santa is the fact that you just know. I am hoping that it is just cosmetic damage with each letter. The first letter I pick up is from 1993. I take the letter opener and cut against the envelope. The paper opened up as if it was a cut. I reach into the envelope and pull out the folded piece of paper. I can feel the butterflies starting to swirl around in my stomach, or it was Mrs. Claus’s dessert chili. That night would make a great story itself. I unfold the paper. And sadness started to take over my body.
“Are you ok? What does it say?” Sharon asks. I pick up the second the letter and open it the same way. Unfold the paper. And then do the same with the third letter.
“What? Richard, tell me. What is wrong?” Sharon screams out. The letters have taken the air out of the room.
“Sharon. I can’t tell what they say. The words are so faded, I can’t make it out.” I say with a hint of sadness.
“Give me the letters. I have worked for Doctors. If I can read their handwriting, I can read anything. It is a bit of a superpower.” Sharon says as she reaches across the table to grab the letters from my hand. She looks through all three, shaking her head after each one of them. “Nope. I can’t read them.”
“Superpower? Did you somehow find Kryptonite on those pages?” I say with some sass. The two of thinking of what our next option would be.
At that moment, Ashlee or Mrs. Claus comes into the room.
“Hi honey. How is your day going?” She asks. In my mind, I know I have to keep her in the dark as to what is happening. It’s not something that I want to do, but it will make Christmas easier to deal with this year. “It’s going magically.”
“Well, I am wondering what you want for your return feast on Christmas morning. I know you are more of salty guy except for cookies, but I was wondering if we can have waffles?” Ashlee asks. I am not sure about any of you with a significant other, but as soon as they use that cute voice, I going to turn into a puddle on the floor. Plus, if she has to make waffles for 128 staffers, she is going to be busy all night as an idea starts to form in my head.
“Let’s have some waffles. And I will contact our friends in Canada for the best waffle topping ever. 100% Pure Maple Syrup.” I say to my wife. Her face lit up as if it were the tree at Rockefeller Center.
“Yay!!!” She screams. She gives me a kiss on the cheek. She runs out of the room into the hallway. And you could hear her scream it at the top of her lungs. Hell, those words are possibly floating over Christmas in 2043 right now. “WE’RE HAVING WAFFLES!!!!”
I am sure if she had the chance she would have said yes to a waffle before saying yes to me.
“I think I have an idea. I am sure it’s a bad idea. No, I know it is a bad idea. But hear me out.” I say to Sharon.
“Alright, let me hear it.” Sharon says.
“We may never know what these letters say. Am I Right?”
“Yeah.” Sharon says with a slight reservation.
“Well, I know how we can read the letters. Sharon, each letter has a stamp. And each Stamp has a postal marking for the year of that letter. One from 1942, 1976, and 1993. What if we went to the North Pole…”
“We are at the North Pole.” Sharon interrupts.
“During each one of those years.” I hesitantly say.
“Wait. What?” Sharon says
“We travel back to those years and find each letter.”
“Do you know what the ramifications of that would be?” Sharon exclaims.
“No. And I don’t care. We are going to find those letters in each one of those years, and we are going to steal…I guess it would be borrowing since I am Santa now… but take the sleigh. And we are going to answer each one of those letters Christmas Wish.”
“Are you fucking nuts?” Sharon asks.
“When it comes to Christmas magic, you bet your ass I am.”
Well, it looks like we’re time traveling this year. I hope you strapped in because things are about to get CRAZY. What will happen when they try to find those letters? Will the Elf on a Shelf be able to function once touched? And waffles? Find all of this out and more in Part 3 of Stuck In Present Tense.