I have been thinking long and hard about something. And no, this will not be about Hogwarts. I know each one of us know the Mariah Carey song, “All I Want for Christmas is You.” That number is one of my favorite Christmas songs ever, but I want to know who is the you? Could it be Santa? Could the diva herself be singing to the jolly fat man in a red suit? What if Santa and Mariah Carey had a thing in the early 90s? Think about how the tabloids would have handled that one. And at that time the people at TMZ were still in a scrotum waiting to burst through the urethra. Maybe the song is about a beverage. Just imagine Mariah’s voice singing in a sultry voice to a bottle of Dr. Pepper. The mind wonders sometimes.
So, in part 2 we learned that the lost letters could not be read due to time. Because time truly is a bastard. Edd, Kindra, and Jim decided to break into a strip club owned by the Easter Bunny to put a stop to the computer that converses with those pesky Elves on Shelves, Big Brother type dolls. And while this is going on, Ashlee is heading to the kitchen to make more than 500 waffles. That my friends would make Eleven very happy.
In the board room, Sharon is confuzzled as to how Richard is going to sneak back in time. They do not own a TARDIS or have a DeLorean that will travel 88 MPH at 1.21 Gigawatts of power. Something tells me, that it is not going to be that easy.
“Seriously? Time Travel? Is that even possible? And if it is possible, could you travel back to the time of having this cockamamie idea and give yourself a nice punt to the dick?” Sharon says. She looks around, waiting for a magical version of me from the past will give me a boot to the berries. I am torn about her sassiness in this moment. I mean, how awesome would it be if the future me just swooped in. And the next thing I know, a size 10.5 boot hit my naughty bit causing me to be on the ground for a minute. But in the same sentence, it’s my man pieces. Getting hit in the balls is no picnic.
“Wait a minute. Sharon, your logic has more holes than Bonnie and Clyde.” I say. I can see the anger in Sharon’s eyes. I feel she may try to stab me, or even worse give me a lecture using big words I am not sure my mind can process that at the moment.
“What do you mean my logic is flawed? If by some magical reason you could time travel, why would you not come back to this moment and kick yourself in the peen?” Sharon states. I am not sure I have ever heard someone use the word peen in a sentence, but good for her. That is a moment that will live in infamy in Christmas story lore.
“Because, WHEN. And yeah, I said when I time travel, why would I want to come back to this very moment and kick myself in the chocolate truffles? I do not have to prove a thing to you. In fact, the reason I would not do that, future me would feel the pain.” I respond.
“Are you dense? Future you would feel the pain, so you wouldn’t hit yourself. Come on! That idea is as dumb as the sock slider.” Sharon exclaims.
“You watch your mouth. The sock slider is awesome. You know what, I know who can settle this. We are going to call in Hannah and Zac. Hannah should be able to drop some knowledge to prove that I am 100% right, and you are wrong. W. R. O. N. G. I say.” You can feel the sass radiating off of Sharon. It just seems to continually get worse as the night progresses.
While the two of them wait for Hannah and Zac to arrive to prove who is right. But in this scenario, it is the readers. We head to the kitchen to find Ashlee preparing waffles. She is mixing the contents into one of the biggest bowls that man has seen.
Hmmmm. Ashlee, this is your cue to say something.
Hello. Is this thing on? ASHLEE!!!!
“I am sorry. I am more worried about these waffles being completed for the big feast. I will send you a text when I have something happening here.” Ashlee says with a thumbs up.
A text? How in the hell did you get my number? You sell one item on Craigslist and this what happens. Alright. Umm. Well, that is what we had next in the lineup. Hannah and Zac are close to the board room but not quite there. Edd, Kindra, and Jim are traveling and all they are doing is heading down the road playing a mix of “You’re Mean One, Mr. Grinch,” and “Spirit in the Sky.” And that is not any fun. As a narrator, I feel like I am letting you down. You know, let’s go to the blue room stage. The blue room at the north pole is an area where people like to sing. I figure right now someone is belting out the golden tones of a Christmas classic.
“Alright. So, the place is the shower in my parent’s bathroom. Now, I am looking for an occupation for one of your favorite Wiffenpoofers to play.” Phill says to a crowd of none.
And fuck that. Back to the board room because Hannah and Zac saved us from the embarrassment of Christmas themed improv. No body wants that shit. NOBODY.
“Hannah, explain to the girl wonder here, why if I were to time travel that I would not just come here, dick kick myself and leave. All of this to prove a point. But future me would have experienced that pain and put a stop to it. Tell her that her logic is as flawed.” I say to Hannah.
“Hannah, explain to this morn of a boss, that my logic is perfectly fine, and that he is just being a stubborn giblet ass to prove a point.” Sharon says.
“Well, Richard and Sharon, I have some bad news and I have some…. bad news. Both of your ideas are complete bunk. Statistically if a person were to time travel, they are not going to come back to prove a point. The person would do something more meaningful to prove a point. Like get the new iPhone before it comes out….”
“Ha. Ha. Fucking Ha!!! Told you Sharon. Would you like your humble pie now or served with a side of whipped cream?” I say to Sharon. If this were a cartoon, you as the viewer would be able to see Sharon’s face turn 50 shades of Red, and steam come from her ears. The anger is running through her veins as if she was Anakin Skywalker in Revenge of the Sith. The only downside is that instead me being Obi Wan, I might end up as one of the kids training.
“Before you gloat Richard, you are wrong too.” Hannah states fact.
“Oh. Look at that. Fatboy is wrong. This is the best Christmas ever. God Bless us Everyone. We can go home now, story is over.” Sharon sassily says.
“Let me explain. If an individual time travels and that person picks a destination that is will place them in a moment of time that the individual already lives, it could disrupt everything that we know. There would be No Halloween, No Easter, No Birthdays, and certainly No Christmas.” Hannah says mortifying the entire group of us. No one at the North Pole wants to hear that Christmas could theoretically come to an end. It sends most of us into a peppermint filled panic.
“I am not the smartest person in the world. I may be Santa be things still go over my head quite a bit. So, is there any way you could explain this to me as if I were say, 12.” I said to Hannah in one of the most serious ever used in writing.
“Umm.” Hannah is puzzled.
“I got this.” Zac piped up. Hannah’s face does not look pleased with this idea.
“You just have to trust me. I speak the language of my people. When a man goes to the pee and a different man walks up beside you, you don’t want to cross the streams. Get me?” Zac says. Hannah just shakes her head in disgust.
“So, Like Doctor Who where you can’t cross into your own timeline. Got it.” I say with excitement.
“How in the hell did you understand that?” Hannah asks.
“How in the hell did you not?” I say to Hannah.
“But…. I do have a piece of good news.” Hannah says. “As you know Zac and I are part of Statistics and Law here at the Pole. And with that being said. We know something that is a hidden secret. There is a way to time travel on this property. But if you do, you cannot go into your own timeline.” Hannah explains.
“That is not an issue. What is the way?” I ask very inquisitive.
“The bag.” Hannah says. Everyone seems to look at Santa’s bag confused. How can this bag of toys be a portal into time itself?
“The bag is the same throughout the history of the Santas, that bag can get you where you want to go anywhere in the world in any time period. But the easiest place to go is back or forward into time inside that bag.” Zack says.
“Let’s Do It.” I say eagerly without a moment’s hesitation. I want to jump in that bag. It’s the first time I have wanted to jump in the sack since my damn wedding night.
“Hold that thought. You need to take a team.” Sharon speaks up.
“You are right. Ok, Hannah and Zac since you know more about the time travel bag of fun, you are going. Sharon, get me Katie from the mailroom. She found one of the letters, she needs to be part of this mission. I think that is everyone. 5 of us should be able to make that happen.”
Hannah and Zac agree. Sharon however is not as thrilled as the others. In her heart she knows this is a bad idea. You know what else was a bad idea, the film version of Jem and the Holograms but no one stopped that shit. While Sharon is about to get Katie for their mission into the world of the bag, Let’s check in on our favorite trio hunting the Elf on Shelf.
“I have never held a crossbow.” Jim says eagerly. “I feel like a much sexier version of Daryl Dixon.”
“Yeah. No. Sorry Jim. Why do I feel like we are going into the fight of our lives?” Edd says wielding a gun of Nerf.
The North Pole does not use actual firearms. Not because anyone is against owning a firearm. it is actually quite the opposite. Have you ever heard of Blimpie the Reindeer? There is a reason you haven’t but damn he tasted good.
“What is our plan to get into the strip club without being noticed?” Kindra asks.
“Well, Jim is going to go around back. He is going to kick in the door as if he was the lead in an action movie. Once inside he is going to strike the fear of God in everyone’s hearts as he sings is favorite rendition of ‘Santa Baby.’ While he is distracting the masses in the back, you and I are going in the front door as if we own the joint. We are going to channel our inner mob family mentality. And if we have to someone may sleep with the fishes.” Edd proclaims
“Are we actually going to kill someone? I am not sure I can do that.” As Jim stutters these words, Kindra is freaking out.
“What the fuck is going on?” Kindra Screams.
All of a sudden Easter Bunny owned Strip Club, The Egg Basket blew up. God, I can’t seem to win this evening with drama. This is very anticlimactic. The trio are stunned looking at the building as feather boas were flying into the air. To be very clear no strippers or patrons were harmed in the making of this story. The Easter Bunny walks by the trio. He recognizes one of his favorite customers, Edd.
“Hey, Eddy Baby. How is it hanging? I know this looks bad, baby. But I booked an act so terrible, that I needed to blow up the club so no one could remember.” The bunny says.
“What kind of act is that bad?” Kindra asks.
“A Christmas Improv show.” The bunny states but knows he has to leave the scene of the crime or risk being arrested.
“I could hug those god dam improv Wiffenpoofs!!!!” Edd says. Knowing the worst part of his plan is out of the way, and he does not have to break a friendship in the process.
In the room of mail…..
“He knows, doesn’t he?” Katie asks.
“Yeah. I think we need to make sure Mr. Claus stays busy to not suspect a thing.” Says Sharon.
“I have a great plan. Let’s just say, she may have a cooking competition to judge.” Katie says with a slight sinister grin.
“You are good.” Sharon exclaims.
The two head back to the board room. As a narrator, I completely have to apologize. The fact that the Trio were supposed to be the end of this. And the strip club blew up. I am not sure what we can do? I guess we hope for a CSI: Miami type line from someone in the boardroom.
“If I am going to jump in this bag, I am going to need a drink. I am going to need to page Mrs……” I start to say before I was interrupted.
“We have you covered. We brought your favorite bottle of wine Richard. Have a drink. And let’s see what happens.” Sharon says as she walks into the boardroom with Katie in tow.
“I am scared to go first. Is anyone else willing?” I stammer as I pan around the room. No seems to want to jump in that bag and can you blame them? All of a sudden out of the corner of my eye, I see a blur heading right to the bag.
“I’ll fucking do it!!!!!” Kevin screams as he cannonballs into the Santa’s bag.
“Holy Shit! I forgot about Kevin!”
Now that’s drama! Suck on our candy canes, TNT. Where will be the first stop in the time travel mystery tour? It seems Edd, Kindra, and Jim have it pretty easy right now. But a fight is brewing. And what competition will Mrs. Claus have to judge? All this and more in Part 4 of Stuck in Present Tense.