I know you are here for the Finale of Stuck In Present Tense. And we will get to what happens shortly, but please humor in my time of an inquisitive crisis. So, we know that Santa delivers gifts to all the good boys and girls each and every year without fail. But, who delivers a present to Santa on Christmas Eve. I know, mind freaking blown.
And now the moment you all have been waiting for, over the past four days this story has taken twists and turns around each corner. Well, all of that comes to a conclusion tonight. When we last left you in part four, the elf hating trio was about to break into the house where an Elf on a Shelf lived. Mrs. Claus is the judge on the North Pole’s newest gameshow. And of course, Richard just realized that the third lost letter was from his dad. And this where we begin.
“I am so confused.” I say. “Kevin, you would think that in my mind somehow that I would remember having a meeting with Santa Claus. Who would forget such a moment? That is the equivalent of an adult meeting Tiffany at a food court in a mall in Cali. Why do I not have a memory of this?” I exclaim.
“Could it be that it never happened? Is that not the logical route in this process? If you think about it, Santa didn’t show up because he had a prior engagement.” Kevin says.
“A prior engagement on Christmas Eve? You are going to that special hell. Jesus man. I am not sure what I am going to do here. I remember vaguely about not being able to cross my own timeline, but all I really heard was the Peanuts Teacher.” I respond.
“At times Hannah can be hard to follow, but this is one time you should have been paying attention. Hell, you may have needed to take notes. The one thing that I need to make sure of is that you do not, and I repeat, do not run into your younger self.” Kevin says hastily.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I say.
Those are words that a man says right before doing something stupid. I should know, I married a woman who ate the foam from a couch. Richard and Kevin take off walking in hopes that they could find Santa. But hopefully Richard does not run into his past self. Because if he does, it could change the very fabric of time. You may not be decorating a tree, instead you could be hanging ornaments from 4 ft. lawn gnomes. Meanwhile back in 1976. Hannah and Zac are trying to find a way out so they do not have to karaoke the hit, “I Got You, Babe.” But we are all secretly hoping it happens.
“How do we get of this Hannah? I can’t sing. I have the voice of a cat in the middle of intercourse.” Zac says in a panic.
“Give me a second. There has to be a way. to get out of this. I do not want to sing any more than you do. The one difference here is that I can actually carry a tune. I may have to bail us out. Except you are singing the part of Cher. If I sang the Cher part, I figure someone will call us out on it.” Hannah replies.
Over the loud speaker, you hear the emcee call for Sonny and Cher to make their way to the stage. When you live in a small town, and you find out news about a car wreck, you will drive to see what happened. Curiosity will take over the soul. And most of the time you are going to drive by the situation twice. Hannah and Zac singing this beloved classic, it’s just like that. Only difference, you will still have your hearing after your second pass. While the people pretend to enjoy the sound of a cat in a blender. Which in writing sounds like this, MEOOOOOWOOWOWOOWOWOOWOWMMOWOMWONMWOWWMOWNWONNWOMWOWNDNJMSDOC. That is a technical term. We head to the middle of Ohio for the trio against an Elf on the Shelf in an all-out grudge match.
“That red door is the beginning to our immortality. Once we destroy the Elf on a Shelf, we will be able to create our own Christmas watching doll. Yes. Our devious plan will be a reality.” Edd says.
Jim a tad confused and a tad bit hungry, (No Character except Ashlee has eaten.) “What are we going to replace the little guy with?” Jim asks.
“A Ghost On Toast.” Kindra said with a conviction proving to us that she is dead serious. “Once we take over those bastards, we will take control of them in the spirit of the one true holiday Halloween.” Kindra adds.
The door to the house swings open. And looking at the trio is a one-foot tall elf named Reginald VonJiggleBottom The Third. His cocked smile and shifty eyes lock with the trio’s. Jim decides to take matters into his own hands. But little did Jim know… You know what, I am not going to spoil it for you.
“Alright Reggie. Welcome to Elf Hell.” Jim says as he shuts the door behind him. Edd and Kindra are cheering from outside. They can feel in their hearts this is the first battle won in a war that could go on forever. A clank. A boom. Someone in a squeaky voice calling them a cookie fuck. Whatever is happening behind that door is not safe for work. The door opens. And Jim comes flying out of the door as if he was DJ Jazzy Jeff on the Fresh Prince. An Elf on the Shelf just whooped Jim’s ass.
“And the rest of you should return to your fucking shire. Ya bastards.” Reginald says and slams the door. Little did the trio know that the elf they tried to kill happened to be a secret agent in the United Kingdom. Think of Reggie as the James Bond of Christmas. Edd and Kindra, not terribly pleased with how Jim handled the match up against something the size of a shoe, decide to take matters into their own hands and bum rush the door. Little did they know, Reggie called for backup. And when the door opened again, it was 50 versus 2.
‘I might lose, but I will go down in a blaze of glory.” Edd says.
Kindra somehow has a blowtorch. “That is not North Pole regulated.” Reggie squeaks.
“No, but it’s Craiglist regulated.” Kindra fires back. Both sides seem to be in a stalemate as to which one will make the first move. Silence started to take over both sides. Reggie takes out his sword. And gives a speech that would make William Wallace pop a boner under that kilt. Mama Mia starts being sung by the Elves. The battle is on. Both sides heading towards each other. First contact is about to be made……….
I got you by my side. Babe, sing that song babe. As the two take the stage, someone else just happens to wonder into the room.
“Where are Hannah and Zac?” Sharon asks.
Katie and Sharon are looking around when through out the room the sweet sounds of the 1965 hit ‘I Got You, Babe’ takes over. Katie and Sharon are trying to find the stage because the two believe that an exorcism may be happening on the stage as we speak. Little did they know, they were going to find the very pair they were looking for.
“Zac is not a pretty Cher.” Says Katie.
“But he nice legs.” Chuckles Sharon.
The two pull out a lighter and make their way to the front of the stage.
“Babe…. I got You, Babe.” As Hannah and Zac conclude his foray into the wonderful world horror movie sounds, they notice Sharon and Katie standing below. Not questioning how the two got there, they were excited.
“I am so glad to see you.” Said Zack.
“How do we get out of here?” Hannah asks as her fake sideburn falls off.
“We are going to tell you what is going on. It all started with….”
The gameshow Melted continues in the kitchen, right now the next contestant is up with their offering of sweets.
“Our next contestant is Kristen. And here dish today is BROWNIES!!!!” Phill says.
“Um, I can’t judge her. That is unfair. She is my mother.” Ashlee says.
“I tried telling him that.” Said Kristen.
“Also, where have you been for the past few days?” Ashlee asks.
“Eating Chicken strips and watching Supernatural.” Kristen responds.
“You ruined it. You fucking ruined it. This was supposed to be the moment of drama that every reality show has. But no. You had to be all sweet to each other and talk about chicken strips. Fuck this! Fuck this show. You know what, the dessert chili sucked. Yeah, you heard me. How could someone not tell the ingredient they used was not Nutella. Yeah. Bullshit. I am going home to my Boston Terriers. At least I don’t have to listen to them have all mushy family shit.”
Well, that escalated quickly. Back to 1976 where Sharon finishes what is going on to Hannah and Zac.
“Richard is now in his own timeline, and if he makes one wrong move, Christmas could never happen again.” Sharon says.
“How do we get there?” Hannah asks.
“Just think of the year. And the bag will take you.” Katie says.
The four of them think of 1993. But Richard and Kevin have found Richard’s old house and are standing behind a rock with a bullseye painted on it.
“Ok, I have to know. Who would paint a bullseye on a rock?” Kevin asks. I think it’s a question that everyone should know.
“Kevin, if I had an answer, do you think I would be hiding behind it?” I respond. Kevin just stares at me and nods in approval. The truth will set you free.
Overhead, the sound of jingle bells can be heard. The temperature in the air starts to drop. Clouds roll in. And in that split second, flurries begin to fall on top of their heads.
“Does this happen every time?” I ask. Kevin shrugged. “Because if it does, holy crap that is cool.”
Santa’s sleigh lands in the front yard of Richard’s old house. No, yell from the big guy. Santa gets up form the sleigh and heads over to Walter. Walter is an average sized man. Beard stubble, western shirt, and of course, the typical early 90s Auto Shack hat.
“What are they saying?” Kevin asks.
“I have no idea.” I struggle to fight back the tears.
“What is wrong, Richard?” Kevin asks.
“My Dad passed away 20 years ago. I never thought I would see him again. I am not sure I can stay here any longer. He is right there. Fuck my future. I just want hug.” I say.
“You can’t do that Richard. You have to think about the repercussions.”
“Fuck the consequences. For once, I am doing something for me damn it.” I leap from behind the rock as fast as I can. I am in a full sprint headed for the gate that is separating me from my family one last time. The distance is becoming shorter, he sees me. I am not able to say anything while running. I have a destination in my heart. Time starts to slow down. My hand is on the gate…… as a giant flash of light occurs.
The sun is rising across the globe on Christmas morning. Children are waking up to open things their minds could not imagine. The staff begins to be seated for the annual Christmas return feast. Mrs. Claus has not seen or heard from Richard yet this morning. Everyone is in the dining room waiting for the arrival of Santa. A piece of paper sits next to the nightstand in Richard’s bedroom.
I am proud of you son.
In the kitchen, wearing the PJs that represent the movie Elf, Santa makes his long-awaited appearance. But he is not feeling so good.
“Are you okay, Love?” Ashlee asks.
“I had the weirdest dreams when I got in this morning. I swear I am never drinking with Katie and Sharon ever again. Whatever they gave me, messed my world up.” I say to Ashlee.
“Tell me what happened.” She asks.
“Kevin jumped in my toy bag, and we time traveled. Zac was dressed like Cher. Hannah was Sonny.” I start the story.
“The probability of that happening is nonexistent.” Hannah says.
“I figured as much. And Edd, Kindra, and Jim got beat up by an Elf on the Shelf.”
“That would never happen. Hahaha.” Edd says.
“So, why do you have two black eyes, Jim is wearing a cast, and Kindra well, Kindra looks fine.” I respond.
“Shouldn’t have teased her.” Edd says.
“That’s it. And then we fell down the stairs.” Jim adds.
“And then I saw my Dad. And I wanted to give him a hug when Sharon and Katie tackled me.” I continue.
“Eat some waffles. And dessert nachos, and you will feel better.” Sharon says. “Hey, we have some stuff in the board room we need to take care of, we will be right back.” Sharon continues.
“And last was the letter from my Dad saying he was proud of me. Alcohol is a very powerful drug.”
“Enjoy your breakfast love. It sounds like you need a break.”
And that does it for the 2018 Christmas story. I want to thank you all of you for joining us this holiday season. Wait a minute. I am completely sorry. There is one more thing….
“Sharon, you think we should tell him that all of that really happened?” Katie asks.
“I am not sure he would even believe it if we did. So, I have a question how did we do assisting with Santa’s present?” Sharon says to a mysterious figure.
“He does so much each year. Each year he puts his body on the line to put a smile on every boy and girl’s face across the globe. Just once he deserved the same emotional happiness that everyone else experiences.” The mysterious figure says.
“You realize you could have potentially screwed up Christmas forever visiting his Dad, right?” Katie says.
“He never met me, plus, I am Richard’s wife. Sometimes, we have to take a risk, not for a physical gift. No one remembers those. What people do remember is the person who is willing to do anything to show that they love you.” Mrs. Claus says. “But did you guys really have to make do the game show? Dessert chili is not real, and thank god because even the thought grosses me out. Ashlee adds.
Remember boys and girls, Christmas is about the time we get to spend with our family and friends. That is the real gift we get to open on Christmas morning. I hope you enjoyed the 2018 Christmas story!!! And thank you for joining us during The 25 Days of Christmas.