Ahh, The Holidays. A time where we can get together with the people we only want to see once a year. That is what it’s all about. Stuffing our gullets and Uncle Joe saying things that make you want to slap an adult male with a god damn pop tart. My name is Stick Figure Dan and I am here to help make your Thanksgiving a little easier to handle. I have compiled a list, a list of things, that you sitting in your car right now banging your head against the steering wheel in tune with “Truth Hurts” by Lizzo, to make today go a bit smoother. Look, I am not Anne Sullivan, and I am not going to work miracles on your family. The main reason is due to your family being all kinds of fucked up. But that happens. I want to help make sure that you will be able to survive this day. I have 5 things you should never do if you want a happy holiday environment.
DO NOT TALK ABOUT RELIGION. I get it. Grandpa wants to say grace, and if you want to speak to the mythical sky man, that is on you. But you may be one step away from just sitting on a couch trying to bite a melted popsicle. But what you do not do is try to have a religious debate over passing a fully cooked bird. Because, unless you are part of a cult, Westboro Baptist Church and Dallas Cowboy fans, I am looking at you, you are going to sound a tad bit douchey.
DO NOT TALK ABOUT POLITICS! Do not get me started on this. If Uncle Joe shows up wearing a MAGA hat and that damn T-shirt with the wolves printed on it, I want you to convince your family to turn out all of the lights in the house. You will need to be as quiet as possible. And make your Uncle think you moved the fuck away. Because no needs to watch someone get stabbed at the dinner table with a salad fork. And do not think this does not go both ways. Politics is something that should never be discussed around family or while having sex. Unless you are having sex with a candidate and you want them to recite the Gettysburg Address for kink.
DO NOT SKIP OUT FOR BLACK FRIDAY! Blowing off spending time with the people you love because you have to buy 3.00 dollar Barbie Doll. Family should mean more than material possessions. Unless you were married to Jeff Bezos, and you should carry on doing you. The deals can wait. Trust me.
DO NOT SHOW UP 6 HOURS LATE. If you are told dinner will be at 12 Noon, you better have your ass there 30 minutes early to appease Grandma. Make this rule an hour if you live in the south. What do you have to do when you get up of a damn morning that is going to take you six hours to get ready? Did you suddenly get abducted by aliens and probed? Because that is the only explanation for being 6 hours fucking late for Thanksgiving dinner.
And finally, DON’T HAVE SEXUAL RELATIONS WITH YOUR FAMILY. I figure I do not have to write a paragraph telling you not to make moves on your cousin or your fucking grandparent. That is weird, that is creepy, and all you deserve to eat is cranberries covered in white gravy for the rest of your existence.
It’s simple. Stick to these rules and your Thanksgiving will be a lot better. Or do what I do and just get drunk. It makes all the nonsense go away. The room spins, but a side effect I am willing to endure.
And in January, my first book will be released in digital form. If you think I don’t hold anything back now, you have not read anything yet. Stick Figure Dan’s All The Reasons I voted For Donald Trump will be available where you get your favorite eBooks and it will only be a dollar. That is right, I will be dropping some knowledge on you because you need it. More details coming soon.