Dear Santa;
I don’t really want anything tangible this year. I make enough money to buy what it is that I need/want. As I get older, wanting presents seems more and more trivial and un-necessary. Don’t get me wrong, some of my best memories are of opening cool gifts like the Ghostbusters fire house or my very first Nintendo Entertainment System. Getting that one super cool gift you’ve idolized most of the year but could never quite attain is a powerful thing. However, now that I’m a fully functioning adult… I can usually spend my own wages to acquire what it is I want….But what I really want this year… what it is that I need is something that’s not tangible. What I want is something that is selfish yet selfless at the same time. I don’t want any gifts under the tree this year, I just want this one thing really badly and I would trade everything that I have and that I am to ensure that I get it.
You see, my daughter was just recently diagnosed as possibly having cerebral palsy. She’s had a stiffness in her right foot that she has tippy toed on ever since she started walking. I didn’t pay any mind to it at first because I had just assumed that was just part of her learning process but it hasn’t improved at all either. She also hasn’t really developed any sort of speech pattern. She used to be able to say “momma” and “dada” and “kitty” but now she just speaks gibberish and doesn’t to say even those words anymore. She’s a very smart child who picks up on things very quickly. She’s able to identify colors, and sounds, and animals. She’s also quite adept and following directions and can clearly (but not verbally) communicate what she wants. She’s the happiest little angel I’ve ever seen who dances around the house, love’s watching Elmo and Blues Clues, and gets excited to takes nap atop my chest. In short… she is the absolute perfect version of what it means to be human and happy. So when we got the news that we did, it was like a dagger straight to the heart. Here was the child, who’s only goal in life at the moment was to watch Sesame Street and dance to any song she hears in her vicinity. Her only crime in life is that she smiles too much and tends to drool the colors of the rainbow whenever she eats a bag of M+M’s. How is this fair? And why does it have to be my child? You will never know the true meaning of fear and pain until you hear of the jeopardy that’s been placed in her path. No, at the current moment she’s not suffering but the thought of everything we’re about to go through as a family shakes me to my very soul. I’m not ready to see the love of my life in such searing pain. I’m not ready to have to see her suffer through all the tests and poking and prodding. I would gladly take all the abuse and pain and misery on as my own if that meant she gets spared all of this. There is nothing in this world or the next that means more to me than the safety and well-being of my daughter.
So, all I want for Christmas this year is your guiding hand through this very hard time. Spread some of that magic I know you’re famous for at my family. My daughter Adelaide is the sweetest little girl you’re likely to ever meet. She loves everyone and everything she meets. She’s got a permanent smile glued to her face and she just loves loves loves to dance and sing and play. So please for the love of God do whatever it is that you can do to help her get through this. I’m not expecting a miracle, and I know at the end of the day you’re not real. However, the power of belief is a huge and very important thing, and I believe there is a larger force at work out there in the cosmos. I believe that force is good and that it helps those who really need it. Well, I really need it right now. My heart weighs heavy along with my soul and my mind. I will get through this but it’s going to be tough. I’ve never known struggle in its purest form until now and I don’t wish this level of fear and pain on anyone. So please Santa Claus, I know I’ve said some mean things in the past about you and your holiday but I take it all back. I know I don’t deserve your kindness or your love and your joy, but please don’t let the most perfect girl in all the land suffer just because I’ve spent most of my life as a miser.
I love my daughter more than I’ve loved anything in my life and I would walk through the fires of hell to sell my soul to ensure that she never suffers a goddamn thing in her life again. She’s just a happy baby. She doesn’t deserve this at all, so please help me. Help me get through what is going to be the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. Help my family navigate these trying times. Most importantly, help my baby girl come out of this with that smile magnetic smile and laugh. Thank you
