Dear Santa,
Hey, this is from Jim Master (you know where I live) and I wanted to let you know that it’s high time someone gets the courage to tell you something.
You need some oversight buddy.
That’s right. You’re probably used to getting letters asking for Xbox One’s and iPhone 11s. You’re probably used to reading the pleas of little children claiming in vain that they’ve been good and that they listen to their parents. I say “in vain” because we both know you keep that Naughty/Nice List handy and readily available to blackmail little kids into becoming obedient slaves.
That’s what I want for Christmas. I wish a committee of people across the world could come together and put forth restrictions, rules, and regulations to your annual operation. Why? Well here are some reasons:
- Every year, you commit acts of home invasion that number in the millions. Maybe even billions. Don’t even start with your defense that you only do so in order to deliver toys to all the good little girls and boys. We all know that you invade these homes in order to keep an eye on the surveillance equipment you’ve installed in each of those “generous” gifts. How else can you be absolutely sure the children are naughty or nice?
- You enter the airspace of countries without even the slightest form of permission. Do you own a passport? Do you even have a license to operate that magically enhanced sleigh? If I went around operating a vehicle without a license and were pulled over, I’d be in severe trouble. Why are you held to a higher standard? What’s powering your sleigh by the way? Is it magic? Is it radioactive uranium? Is it diesel? What if we have been playing with radioactive soaked toys for years and didn’t know it? If it’s radiation, then that could be why I’m bald. If that’s the case, you’ve got yourself a lawsuit on your hands buddy.
- Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph. Do they have their shots? What happens if one of your animal’s bites, maims, or harms one of the people you’re gifting? We all know you ran down poor Grandma, but no one cared. In fact, they made a song out of it. And you just drove away into the night.
It’s for those reasons and so many more that we, the people, need to hold you accountable. Just because you bribe us with things we ask for doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want. You sir need to be kept in check. What exactly are you doing in the off season? Are you gaining power in order to become the ruler of earth? Are you going to activate your “sleeper” toys once you’re ready to enact your diabolical plan?
We are watching…
Signed,
Jim Master
P.S. I’ve been pretty good this year and I’d like a newer iPad. It doesn’t have to be the newest version, but maybe like an iPad 7 or something like that.
