Who is ready for the finale? Are you ready to find out what happens with Richard and his struggle with the Christmas Spirit? Are you ready to find out what Papa has to say to Ashlee? And are you ready to watch an elf get impeached? You read that right. But first let me tell you a story that just happened about 15 minutes ago. You, see in Arkansas, the only way you are going to have cold weather is to turn on the Air Conditioner. And the only way to get a White Christmas is to over fill the soap dispenser on the Washing Machine. Sure, it’s going to be pretty until someone realizes you flooded the bathroom. And the only towels to wipe it up with are in the washing machines covered in suds. Purpose defeated.
At the North Pole, Edd, Kindra, and Jim are awaiting their Holiday appointed attorney. If a trial happens at the North Pole, lawyers will be selected among every person in the world, the two individuals will be transported to the North Pole where they will find out their task. Of course, pay for when they did not work will be compensated, and all you can drink Hot Chocolate, because if it is made with water, it is nasty.
“I wonder when this lawyer is going to get here?” Edd says.
“If we go to jail, do you think it will be like Orange is the New Black?” Jim said.
The other two just kind of looked at Jim as if dropkicked an endangered species. The door flies open and the trio is met by their Lawyer…. New Character Alert. Because just like any great story, we have to introduce new characters in the final act. Meet Bryan. He is a 30 Something year old male who enjoys nerd stuff, watching cinema, you could say he is a Plotaholic, and has an unhealthy obsession with Pop Vinyls.
“Hi. I am Bryan. I will be your lawyer this evening. And I will guarantee without a shadow of a doubt, that I have a 30 percent chance of winning this case.” Bryan says.
“Only a 30% Chance? Why do you think you will not win for us?” Asks Kindra.
“Honestly, I read what was said in that phone call, and with all due respect, Edd is guilty AF.” Bryan Says.
“AF? What does that mean?” Edd replies.
“Absolutely Fabulous.” Jim says while giving finger guns.
“You don’t get out much, do you?” Bryan says as he hangs his head knowing that the public-school system has let down another American.
Bryan helps the trio go over the case to present in front of the Judge. While this is going on, back in Arkansas, Ashlee finishes her conversation with her Papa.
“I don’t believe it?” Ashlee says with a tear in her eye. “You have to talk to Richard somehow. He will listen to you.” Ashlee tells Papa.
“Any idea on where he would have gone?” Papa asks.
“I think I have a guess on where he is, and something tells me, it has to do with Christmas lights.” Ashlee says.
Ashlee knows her husband better than anyone. One of his favorite places to go on the holidays is to look at Christmas lights. Batesville, has one of the largest lights display in the area. And it’s free. Would Richard be there taking in the lights and sounds? Papa was determined to see if he is. As soon as Papa left, Ashlee decided to text Sharon.
“CALL ME ASAP. Christmas Tree Emoji. Santa Emoji. Book Emoji.”
We would have sprung for graphics but we are cheap and that costs money. Meanwhile back at the North Pole. The defendants have entered the North Pole Courtroom. And are awaiting the presence of the Prosecution. All of a sudden, the door flies open. A woman in a rainbow sequin power suit with light blue hair enters the courtroom. You could hear a hush fall over that room. NEW Character Alert!!!! Meet the Prosecution, Sarah. Eats rabbit, is from England, and now living in the US. But in the south…Adjacent.
“ALL RISE for the honorable and fabulous Judge Katt.” Kaylin the bailiff said.
Kat walks into the room wearing a judge robe that shows off some sass and a lot of ass.
“Sit down bitches. It’s time to hear the opening statement in The North Pole Vs Jim, Kindra, and Edd The Elf. Jim, How do you plead?” Asks Katt.
“Like this. Please, Please do not throw me in the North Pole jail. I don’t want to rot next to the uneaten fruit cake. I have been a good boy, and if anything, I need just a slap on the wrist.” Jim says while actually pleading with the judge.
“Bonus points for actually carrying out the act of pleading. That might net you a few brownie points. Edd and Kindra how do you plead?” Asked Katt.
“Your honor, have you ever had to decide between a good idea and bad idea?”
“Everyday I wear High Heels, what does this have to do with anything?” Katt asks.
“That is what I am getting to. I believe……”
“Answer the damn question.” Kaylin the bailiff blurts out as if she was at a sporting event.
“I like this girl. Preach. I’m with her, innocent or guilty?”
“Innocent.” Edd says quickly and sits down. Kindra is worried about her future at the North Pole.
In the back of court room, a cell phone notification goes off.
“Who ever left their cell phone notifications on should be kicked in the nether regions. Go answer what ever that was, get your ass back in here because I have a feeling shit is going to hit the fan.” Katt adds.
The person holding the cellphone was Sharon. She read the text from Mrs. Claus, and listened to the advice of the Judge to make that phone call. Sharon gets ahold of Mrs. Claus.
“So, what is the emergency?” Sharon.
“I have bad news and I have good news. I am going to start with the bad. Richard, looked me dead in eyes and told me, he no longer wanted to be Santa Claus. He also told my family his secret.” Ashlee says.
“Which one? The one where he loves women’s socks?” Sharon replies.
“No. Much bigger than that. He told them he was Santa Claus.” Ashlee said
“Why would he do that? He knows what the consequences are of doing that. He just risked everything because of being upset. I get it. There is a possibly he may never be Santa again.” Sharon says flabbergasted.
“Actually…. that is wrong. Sharon, I know where the….”
During the commotion of what was going on, everyone forgot the day. It was December 24th. Edd is on trial. Sharon is trying to make sure everything doesn’t implode. So, why was she hearing bells jingling? She drops her phone and takes off down the corridor. As soon as she gets to the bay window, she sees an outline of the sleigh, reindeer, and someone controlling the entire thing. She couldn’t make out who it is.
On the other end of the dropped phone,
“It’s all coming together.” Ashlee says.
Back in the Courtroom…. Open arguments have begun. Sarah is up first.
“Your Honor. Members of the Jury. Friends. Family. Edd. This man is guilty of the highest of crimes. That is all I have.” Sarah says.
“Girl, where is your accent from? I could listen to you to talk all day. We need to get some nog after this.” Katt says.
“I am originally from England. And I love a good nog. I’m in.” Sarah says.
“Defense, you may begin your open statement.” Katt responds.
“Your honor, members of the jury, press, and others. I have to agree with Mary Poppins. He is guilty as hell.” Bryan says.
Edd stands up. “Can I fire my lawyer?”
“Nope. Sit your ass back down before I have to kick it.” Bailiff says.
“Seriously, I feel like the Green Hornet and this bitch is my Kato. Girl, you are getting a raise when this is over. Prosecution, you may call your first witness.”
“I call Jim to the stand.” Sarah says.
An audible gasp could be heard from the crowd.
“Please put your hand on a Blu Ray copy of the Muppet Christmas Carol. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God?” Kaylin gives Jim a look. A grown man shivers in fear.
“I do.” Jim says, but as he is sitting down and before Sarah could get a question out, Jim just started talking.
“Edd wants everyone to eat ham sandwiches. He replaced all the turkey with white ham. I am not sure where one could even get white ham, but he did. He steals all my Mountain Dews and replaces them with Squirts. Who even drinks Squirt? I didn’t even know that it was still a soda brand until I had to keep drinking them.”
While Jim opened up about everything Edd ever did to him, back in Batesville Richard can be found at Winter Wonderland Light Display, sitting next to the train drinking some coffee. He is pondering what is next in life, when Papa finds him.
“That is a long walk into town. I am not sure how you made it.” Papa said jokingly.
“I might still have some magic left. I think.” Richard responds.
“I feel we need to have a talk.” Papa says.
“I am not sure at this point, there is anything else that can be said. I let out my biggest secret, I no longer want to be part of Christmas.”
“Big Guy, let me tell you story. I have seen a lot of things in my lifetime. But one of the toughest nights and most rewarding nights of my life took place while I was serving my country in the Air Force. And one night during Christmas Eve, we happened to be in one of the biggest battles of my time serving. I watched some of my brothers in arms get taken down over the waters. Seeing something like that happen will change your life. During this battle, I had a something crash land near me. I had no idea what it could be or who it could be. I had my gun drawn possibly ready to fire, when I stumbled upon a sleigh and reindeer. I could not believe my eyes. I thought for the longest time, my parents were Santa Claus. But yet, I am looking at this man in a red suit, in a sleigh, with eight reindeer. At first, I thought my rations might have been laced with some acid. It’s the late 60s/early 70s anything is possible. I had no idea what to do. But I knew I would do the right thing. I checked on him and he was alive. But due to injuries, he would not be able to do the run by himself. I had to tell someone, my commanding officer was confused, but said to go for it. So, for one night, I got to help Santa Claus make his yearly run. I was able to escape the pain of war and bring smiles to the faces of children. I never got to have that opportunity again. But I did see Santa every few years, before Christmas Eve. If something would ever go wrong with his sleigh, I would be the one to fix it. We grew to have a very deep bond. But I didn’t see him again, and figured his time as Santa came to an end.”
“I have no idea what to say.”
“There is more. That man trusted me with his life. And gave me a very special gift. And the night I first met you so many years ago, I already knew who you were.”
“What do you mean?”
“Every Christmas, I read stories to my kids, grandkids, and great grandkids from this book he gave me. And every year a new story appears. And every year, I get to see those faces smile from ear to ear because that to me is Christmas.”
“Wait. Do you actually have the Real Legend of Santa?” Richard asks.
“Every Santa story in black and white for your reading pleasure.” Papa responds.
“I have heard about this book through myth and stories told but never thought it was real.” Richard says shocked.
“Do you want to see it?” Papa asks. “One on condition.”
“Whatever, it is, yes.” Richard screams.
Papa removes the book from inside his jacket. And hands it to Richard.
“First thing I have to know…. 1714…1714….1714…. Here it is. The Calamity of 1714. Santa Claus forgets to deliver presents to his mom. Not what I expected. It’s also a little underwhelming.” Richard says.
A giant white light appears from the sky….
“HO HO BRODIE!!! Mother Fuckers. Now that is how you make an entrance.” Brodie says with pride.
“I should have let you picked them up first.” Ashlee says.
“Papa. Thank you for everything.” Richard says as he goes for hug.
Papa pulls back, “So, I am driving the rest of the way.”
“I should have seen that coming.” Richard says.
And the four make a mad dash delivering the presents to all kids across the world on Christmas Eve.
Christmas morning. The four arrived back at the North Pole to wrap up an emotional but rewarding evening. When Richard found Sharon standing at the door of the courtroom. Everyone had fallen asleep during Jim’s rambling.
“It’s good to see you again, Richard.”
“You too Shern. So, um what is this about?”
“Remember Your plan to put Edd in charge?” Sharon asks
“I do.” Richard replies.
“This is the aftermath.” Sharon says.
“Who would have thought would have worked.” Richard says.
“What plan?” Ashlee asks.
Sharon and Richard laugh together.
“What is so funny?” Ashlee
“Should have never caused a civil war in my North Pole. He never talked to Cupid or Jack, it was just Bryan and Sarah who played the lawyers. Just remember revenge is a dish best served cold and no better place to do that than the North Pole.”
And just like that, Another Christmas in the books. Another year, another legend of Santa is in the pages. Maybe, next year, if nothing happens, I will tell you the origins Santa Claus……….
Merry Christmas to all and to all, Nana made pie. Screw the ending, let’s have some pie. I bet you kids, never realized Ashlee’s husband was Santa or that I got to fly the sleigh. But you can’t tell anyone. I have a crisp two-dollar bill with your name on it if you don’t