The Real World: Christmas Pt.4


Are you ready kids? Stop singing that god forsaken sponge cartoon song. No one wants to hear that. If I wanted to hear the golden tones of someone squeaking, I would listen to the Chipmunks on repeat. Did anyone actually like that song? I am guessing the answer is no. All he wants is a hula hoop? What kid just wants a hula hoop? The only explanation is that a chipmunk’s hips don’t lie, and that is just far too much to process for a Christmas Eve story.

So, when I last left you, what was happening? Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. If you actually said no out loud, you are watching too many kids shows expecting you to talk to the television. When I last left you, Richard was having a not so pleasant start to the holiday season. Their rental car hit a deer, they are stuck in Arkansas, and to top it off, Richard learned what happens in the retail sector during Black Friday. And seeing the worst in people, Richard doesn’t want to be Santa anymore. If he goes through with that decision, it could be something that would break the heart of children across the globe. Think about it, no presents under the tree, no fruit in a tube sock hanging over a cardboard fireplace. Christmas may not happen this year.

Meanwhile at the North Pole, a new person was put in charge, Edd. The same Edd that caused the North Pole Civil War. The same Edd who broke into a strip club. Could Edd have changed, or is there a bigger plan? A more sinister plan. Dare I say, EVIL Plan that he wants to set in motion?

We start at the North Pole in the war room. Edd, Kindra, and Jim are all surrounding a speaker phone. On the other end of the line is Jack The Pumpkin King.

“Jack. Jack My friend. My Buddy. My Pal, How the hell are you?” Edd says smugly.

“What do you want Mr. Edd?” Jack says

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He Called you Mr. Edd. You know like the horse!” Jim says while giggling to himself.

“Jack, could you give me one second?” Edd asks.

“Sure?!” Jack says with a slight confused hesitation.

At this point the phone is put on mute, Edd is pissed and rips into giggling Jim. “What I have told you about calling me Mr. Edd? Do I look like a horse? Do I go NEIGH? Do I gallop from room to room looking like a majestic beast? The only thing that I have in common with a horse is well…You Know?”

“You both like oats?” Jim Replies.

“Damn it! Jim. No! We are both hung well.” Edd says.

“Lies.” Kindra fired back.

“Alright, enough. We need to work out this deal with Jack so that way Valentine’s days is stopped dead in its tracks.” Edd says. “Jack Buddy, Alright, where were we? I am now in charge of the North Pole.”

“What happened to Richard?” Asks Jack.

“Well, he had an accident and I was put in charge of his Christmas operation. With that being said, I know Richard and you have a deal on the table. Mostly because during the first 5 Christmas stories he hit you with sleigh. I’d call that Vehicular Characterslaughter, but I digress. We are looking at our flight map that evening, and I am not sure we can make Halloween Town this year. It’s a real shame that the good children will not wake up to toys on Christmas day.” Edd adds.

“Why would you do that? I thought I was a monster, but nothing compared to that.” Jack responds.

“We could change that. If you are willing to work with us. I have this proposal so Halloween Town can still get their Christmas this year.” Edd says.

Jim starts jumping up and down trying to get Edd’s attention as if he were a three-year-old about to pee his pants. Edd shakes his head no, not once, but twice. But finally, Jim wins his attention.

“Jack, if you could give me one more minute, I am sorry, it is really busy around here.” Edd says as he puts the phone on mute.

“Edd. I’m sorry, but I have a feeling this is wrong. What if you get caught? Who will read me my bedtime story while having Hot Chocolate?” Jim responded.

“How would anyone find out? Are you going to tattle on me? And if you do tattle on me, it would cross my desk, I am untouchable.” Edd says.

“Actually honey, he might be onto something. Edd, have you considered the possibility of someone listening to this call?” Kindra added.

Funny thing about that…. Someone was on the other end of the line listening to that conversation. Someone no one even thought about.

“Edd, there is the THE BOOK.” Kindra said with a timid tone.

“THE BOOK? The Fucking Book?” Edd says with a chuckle. “THE BOOK is just a legend concocted by some basement dwelling bottom feeding troll, who figured it would scare kids into still believing there is Santa Claus. And if somehow, The Book is real, no one would ever find it. There is only one Santa Claus, and I am sure he has no idea where the damn book is.” Edd says while unmuting Jack. “Jack where were we, here is proposition. I need you to investigate Cupid. Take down that little bow shooting bald headed bastard, and Christmas will come every year without any issue at all.”

“What if I don’t do it?” Jack asked.

“Well, Christmas is kaput in Halloween Town.” Edd said sternly.

“I don’t think I have a choice. I’ll do it. But not because of you, because of the children.” Jack said with sadness.

“Good deal.” Edd said.

This scenario makes me uncomfortable and gives me a sense a Déjà vu. I don’t like it. As if it was plucked straight from the headlines of national news.

I bet you are wondering what all that chatter about THE BOOK. The story goes like this, there is book covered in Red and White leather called THE REAL LEGEND OF SANTA. The book is said to be a myth, to be something that is just there to make children stop believing in the spirit of Christmas. But, it’s actually quite the opposite. Every Story, from every year, from every individual that put on that suit, is written into that book. That book holds the secret to everything about the North Pole and the big guy. But the story is also told there is a guard of the book. Some say an individual was appointed by a former big guy, some legends have children of Santa holding onto to the book, no one really knows for sure where the book is, but it is real.

The Real Legend of Santa

Richard and Ashlee have traveled back to her aunt’s house. After the disappointing shopping trip, it seems Richard wants to be alone. He sits on a bench outside in the dark looking at the sky, but Ashlee needs to know what is going on.

“Talk to me.” Ashlee says.

Nothing is said. Ashlee goes and sits next to Richard gives him a huge hug. “You are my favorite. And I wish I could make it better.”

Still nothing. Richard moves from the bench to pace for a minute. Finally, you can hear a sigh.

“It’s funny. Every year, I just want to enjoy Christmas. I don’t give a shit about the presents. I don’t care about what is given to me. But little did I know the rest of the world is not like that. I watched a little old lady yell at a cashier. Called him every name she could think of. I thought originally, she would be one of the saving graces of the evening. She would tell him Merry Christmas and possibly give him Werther’s Original. But nope. She yelled obscenities at Wal Mart.  I watched two kids fight over a stuffed animal because they wanted it now. They couldn’t wait till Christmas morning to have something unwrap, no, they wanted that damn bear now. People were filled with hate. That is not the meaning of Christmas. That is not even the meaning of life. At this point, I just don’t want to spread Christmas cheer anymore. If no one cares, why should I?”

“I care.” Ashlee says.

“I know you do, but you know what I mean. At this point, Christmas is over for me.” Richard says as he walks inside to the guest bedroom and closes the door.

A few days have gone by and Richard has done nothing but lay in that bed. A deep depression took over due to what happened on that Black Friday. Richard has not reached out to anyone at the North Pole. No Communication with anyone. Not even a text. But the opposite is not true. His phone will ring, texts are flooding in, but not one answer or response. All he can do is think about what Christmas meant to him.

Weeks have gone by, and nothing. Ashlee waited by his side, giving him the space, he needed. But eventually patience would become thin.

“I know you are depressed and you have every right to be. But you need to get it together. You are just a few days from the biggest trip of the year. You are going to cause sadness among a lot of children if you just walk away and not do a thing. They are counting on you. And heaven knows, what is going on back home. It might be in turmoil.”

It was. Remember that phone call Edd had with Jack the Pumpkin King. Whoever listened to that call reported it to HR, who reported it to someone else, who reported it to someone else, who reported it to Katt. And look, Katt might be a new hire around here, but she will stab a bitch if someone hurts White Lighting. Katt called a meeting of the all of the employees of the North Pole, meanwhile back in Arkansas.

“I don’t care Ashlee. I don’t care about the holidays anymore. I don’t care if I give the children a good Christmas or not. All they are going to do is fight over it. So, what does it freaking matter? Look, at this point, I am going back anyway, so I might as well just announce it to your entire family.” Richard says.

“Please don’t. You are going to regret this decision.” Ashlee says as Richard blows right by her and straight for the living room.

All of the employees of the North Pole are gathered in the chamber for an announcement from the newest employee of the North Pole.

“Why are we all here? I didn’t call this meeting.” Edd says.

“I did, Mother Fucker. Edd, we were alerted to a phone call you made with Jack The Pumpkin King. And in said phone call, you made a threat of holding Christmas presents from the area he resides in, if he did not investigate a holiday rival. Edd, tomorrow you will be on trial. It could possibly be the first time a removal of an elf has happened at the North Pole since the Calamity of 1714. A lawyer will be here tomorrow to preside for you. There better be a pay raise for this job.” Katt says.

“Damn it. Who squealed?” Edd shouted.

Sharon is standing in the corner watching this all go down; she is not happy.

“Fudge.” Only Sharon didn’t say Fudge. She said the word. The F— Word. “I need to find Brodie.”

Sharon takes off out of the chambers to try to find Brodie who is mysteriously absent.

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Meanwhile back in the sticks. Richard storms into the living room………

“I need your attention! I have announcement to make. I am not who you think I am. I have had to keep my identity secret for awhile from a lot of you. I am no longer holding that in. You don’t have to believe me, because I know it’s true. We do live up north, we live at the freaking North Pole. She will show you pictures if you want. But I am Santa Claus.” After this speech Richard just walks out of the door with no destination.

Ashlee is silently crying. She knows that he may have given up everything he loved in the heat of the moment. She’s having problems trying to regain composure. That was until she felt a tap on her shoulder.

“Sissy, we need to talk.” Papa said.

And that is a good place to end it tonight. Kids you need to get to bed soon. Santa is going to be here any minute. I read that he is only a couple towns over. We have one more night together, and I will tell you the conclusion before bed tomorrow. Same time, same place.


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Richard Pruitt
I am Richard and I have a problem. A problem with entertaining people. I have been in the comedy world for over 10 years. I started out as an improv actor making fun and light of everything. Doing that felt rewarding, but I have to admit, I wanted more. I couldn’t get the taste of performing out of my mouth. Does that not sound a little creepy? I decided to start doing my own stand up show. I love to make fun of my family and anything that will make a normal person say what the fuck. The journey still continues, in 2009, I had a dream to create my own online magazine. This is the beautiful corner of craziness in front of you. I have been through hell in my life but being stopped is something that I will not let happen. I am a fighter and hope to make people realize it is ok to smile and think from time to time. It also helps being a nerd.
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