State Governor Uses Shoe Polish to Make Sign Saying “I Assure You, We’re Open!”

United States (TBK)– The White House is looking to reopen America. But as Washington is working on their plans, Governors are deciding how to tell the rest of the country that they are open for business. A few of these states sent out press releases but the releases have been ignored by the mainstream media, the not so mainstream media, the weird fringe part of media, and Zoobooks. Governors of these states are trying outside of the box methods to let people know to eat at their state’s Cracker Barrels.

One state in particular is going with an idea he learned from a black and white movie. In Georgia, Governor and Election Purloiner Brian Kemp decided to do something he viewed while watching Cinemax in a hotel room in 2017. The Governor landed on Cinemax around 10 PM on a weekday night. At the time in question, the premium network would be showing the semi adult film Sexquestrian. In a statement released to TBK Magazine, Kemp says, “I wanted to see what all the hullabaloo about Stormy Daniels was about.” Stormy Daniels is an adult film star who actually touched President Trump’s naughty parts. After the short exchange, the president paid the adult film actress hush money to never talk about it again. Kemp wanted to see if he could be like his new political hero, Donald J Trump. Trump became Kemp’s hero about 4 hours before election day.

Kemp goes on to state, “I was about 3 minutes into the movie when things happened and I passed out from working way too hard. The next thing I know, the television is showing some black and white movie that isn’t the Wizard of Oz. I was appalled. But I did see in the movie some guy made an open sign out of shoe polish. I thought may need to use that idea one day if I am governor. But I turned the channel right after. The dialogue confused me. The movie is just dialogue. No big explosions or songs with words. But that scene from the movie will always repeat in my mind. The best films came from the 1940s. No cussing. No nudity. No Vulgarity. The way we all need to live our lives.”

The movie he is discussing in his statement to TBK Magazine is not from the 1940s but actually from 1994. The film Kemp took the idea from is the cult classic from writer and director Kevin Smith called Clerks. If Governor Kemp watched more of the film, he would have witnessed cussing, vulgarity, and sex with a dead man in the bathroom of a convenience store. The movie follows the day of two clerks; Dante and Randall as they work at the Quick Stop and RST Video.

We reached out to Kevin Smith for comment on Kemp’s actions and received this:

“Man, Fuck that guy.”

Kemp is being criticized for reopening the state of Georgia earlier than the rest of the county. The Governor is feeling the pressure from the White House as the president looked down at the move. As Kemp cries in the corner holding his picture of the President eating a taco salad, singing “Jesus Loves Me,” the people of the country prepare to try to go back to a new normal.

“I can assure you, Georgia is open. But so are porn stores with arcade booths on the interstate and you don’t stop there either,” a woman from Tennessee told me on a telemarketer call.

We will have more news on this story as it comes across our desk. Stay on the lookout to TBK Magazine for more Headlies.

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Richard Pruitt
I am Richard and I have a problem. A problem with entertaining people. I have been in the comedy world for over 10 years. I started out as an improv actor making fun and light of everything. Doing that felt rewarding, but I have to admit, I wanted more. I couldn’t get the taste of performing out of my mouth. Does that not sound a little creepy? I decided to start doing my own stand up show. I love to make fun of my family and anything that will make a normal person say what the fuck. The journey still continues, in 2009, I had a dream to create my own online magazine. This is the beautiful corner of craziness in front of you. I have been through hell in my life but being stopped is something that I will not let happen. I am a fighter and hope to make people realize it is ok to smile and think from time to time. It also helps being a nerd.
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