This might be the first article that 100% gets demonetized for content. I am not sure how to describe what you are about to see but I am guessing you will experience one of two reactions. The first being the feeling of wanting to jab your eyes out with a common fork. The second feeling is rushing to Amazon as soon as you are done reading. If you experience the second feeling, it might be time to call a therapist, also, you might be my kind of people.
Christmas is Friday and one thing that stresses people out is the ceremonial buying of a gift. No one likes to the experience of walking into a store not knowing what to get a person. People can be hard to shop for, and you do not want to come across as one of those individuals who rely on nothing but gift cards. Instead of giving you a list of things that would make the perfect gift, I decided to go with a list of things that you should not buy for anyone. These products are so weird and so bad you might say “what the fuck,” out loud while reading. If this happens to you, you might be a considered a normal. And now 5 Gift Ideas You Need to Stay Away From.
If you are new here, we started publishing books in 2020 and have an unhealthy obsession with the word pages. The idea of this being a great gift makes a lot of sense to me. Furniture that can compact into a book, that seems like a cool idea. But and I say this with utmost sincerity, the book seat is made of cardboard. Cardboard and chubby people do not go together like Ramalamadingdong. I have tried to sit on a cardboard box, and that box crushed faster than my feelings after a breakup in high school. Sure, the design is wonderful. But at the end of the day, you are just sitting on a refrigerator box. Plus, this thing retails for $89. $89 for cardboard? Did Nintendo make this, and I am not aware of it?
4 Jizz: The Game
The video alone is going to get me thrown off the internet in conservative households. I know it is the holiest time of the year, but with this game it can also be the horniest time of the year. I am going to hell. How it works if you didn’t watch the video, you spin a wheel on the left testicle. That number is the number of times you give the ol’ Jizzeroo a pump. The second wheel tells you where to aim it. It could be your mouth, your boobs, your face. The kicker is that you can fill this with any substance to spray in the faces of your soon to be former friends. The game retails for 28 dollars which is a steal compared to that chair.
3 Twinkle Tush
I am sure after that last item on the list, your mind is in the gutter. Well, my job is to make it home there. Have you ever seen the butt plugs with a jewel? You have, awesome. I am just assuming you have because I really do not want to into detail what those look like. And it is possible to lose those in one’s butt. Here is a jewel to put around your cat’s anus if you do not want to look at it constantly. This must be worst product if you have multiple cats. Just 5 cats in a circle swatting at each other’s butt jewels. It’s a feline human centipede with accessories.
2 Instant Underpants
How in the hell is this real? I really need to stop writing lists at 1 in the morning. So, here is what you do. It’s a tin can with a wad of whatever the fuck material is in there. You put that weird ass wad in some water, let it soak for 30 minutes or so. And surprise, instant underpants. Now, correct me if I am wrong, but why would anyone want to put on a wet pair of underwear? I think it is a fair question. If anyone got lucky wearing a pair of these, chances are they were ripped off the body like a Hulk Hogan tank top in 88. Instant Underpants retails for 12.90
I am not an avid golfer unless you count the PS4. But I am a fan of playing the game. I am not sure how I feel about this. The dude is just peeing under a towel into a golf club. Do you empty the remnants where you stand or do you wait till you are finished, leaving the course, drive down a dirt rode until you come across a field with some cows only to empty your club urine into a field where no one knows you? It would make more sense to wear a pee bag and insert a catheter than to piss down the shaft of four iron. And heaven forbid if you are drunk and mistake that club for a real one. You go to hit that ball and you are drenched in your own urine. At least, you have some instant underpants if you need them. 74.99 for two if you have that overactive bladder.
If you are looking for a real gift that will make the soul happy, check out our store! Pick up one of our books or maybe shirt.