Dear Tubs of Fun in a Red Suit,
God, I want to be mean. I really do. There is part of me that wants to tell that you let yourself go. Those cookies are going straight to your thighs and by this time next year, you might be covered in those 11 herbs and spices. I want to know if you sound like Darth Vader while you sleep. How many doctors have told you to cut back on the sweets? Is it above or below 33?
I want to say all of this, but I can’t. With everything going on in the world, I thought it might be a good time in history to be nice to you. No. I am going soft. I am not the cushion of your couch after you sit on it. 2020 is a clusterfuck that I couldn’t even imagine for my worst enemy. And that says a lot because I always want something to make that asspanda’s life miserable.
And I am not going to tell you that I had sexual relations with Mrs. Claus. But she did swipe right on me on Tinder. She was able to get a bone in ribeye if you know what I mean.
For once, I am not going to ask for anything that will cause harm. 2020 has done enough. I know I am on a list. I am just going to ask for my Slinky, that I have been asking for every fucking year since my creation. And still has not been placed under my tree. I am not asking for much, you old curmudgeon cookie gobbling twat. It’s a god damn spring. I am sure there is one on your bed that is under enough pressure that it could break at any time. Much like a Stick Figure who has been stuck inside their house since fucking March, just combing all the holiday decorations in every room because I have not been able to celebrate anything. I NEED THAT GOD DAMN SLINKY.
You know what I have changed my damn mind. You know what I would like you do, I figure coffee is hard on your stomach, most politicians drop a warm Santa gift under their tree. We need help. I do not want to watch old people fight, if I need that kind of entertainment in my life, I will ask KISS to go on a reunion tour.
People who spread conspiracy theories get nothing but a fucking kick to the taint. I know you can do this and make it hurt. I have seen the lifts in your boots.
Also, for everyone else, do something awesome. Even if it is a pair of socks, make it the best damn pair of socks you can deliver.
I also want the leader of this magazine to get something that just teeters above average. It’s been a rough year. But next year, let me tell you, the ultimate demise.
Figure It Out,
Stick Figure Dan
Mrs. Claus really likes silk sheets. It felt like a sexual slip n slide.