I need to talk to all of you. My mission is to make your lives better. It is to give you the opportunity to make your life the best one it could be. Do you know how much mother humping work that is? I am a god damn stick figure, and I am trying to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. I might have broad shoulders, but I am not an 80s mother in padded sweater. So, want to know why I am here this year? I had a topic all planned out, something that every one of you need to work on. A way to improve your life, but then I was smacked in the face by a horrible reality that could be the subject of its own Lifetime movie.
I cannot fathom why anyone would make their hot chocolate with water. If I am talking about you, you need to find Jesus. How can anyone love the taste of tap water and cocoa powder. If I wanted to eat bland food, I would visit my in-laws. It’s water. It does not add to the beverage you are drinking. If anything, it just makes it less tasteful. And if this is an issue because you can’t have milk from the supple teat of a cow, drink from a tit of an almond because anything would be more acceptable than god damn water in some hot chocolate. Hell, I would be more accepting of putting that damn cocoa powder in some cranberry juice. They already have their toe dipped into everything else, why not some Swiss Miss.
And therefore, some of you need help due to being, what is the word I am looking for…. Boring. You are the social equivalent to ordering vanilla ice cream or going to a steak house to only order fish. Yes, I know those are both food things, but I am hungry. If variety is supposed to be the spice of life, why in the hell are you treating life as if the only spice is salt?
The main takeaway you need to have from this Self Help for The Helpless is to stop being bland and start being grand. There is a money idea for a damn t-shirt. It’s holidays, step out of your comfort zone inside the safety of your own house and actually make hot chocolate with some milk. Trust me, your life will be better for it. And while you are at it, put on some damn pants.
Also, marshmallows are overrated. Fight me.