Suit Up, Santa: The Fourth Part


“You realize that invoking Clause 37 could get you killed? I think that is an idea that you should have ran by everyone first.” Sharon says.

I guess we are jumping right back into this one. Richard just revealed that he will be using Clause 37 to make Christmas happen in 2020. Sharon in not happy. Meanwhile on Skype, a debate is about take place with a moderator who is addicted to shoes. Dear god, I am not paid enough for this. Back to Richard and Sharon’s conversation apparently already in progress.

“Tell me a better option.” Richard fires back.

“There has to be a better option than possibly sacrificing everything.” Sharon responds.

“But that is the definition of Christmas. I will sacrifice everything to make sure Christmas goes without a hitch this year.” Richard says.

“Did you weigh all of your options? Did you think of the consequences if you invoke Clause 37? Did you sit down and think what will happen with you? What will happen with everyone who works here? What about your wife? Did you think about her? Honestly, this move is selfish. There must be a better way to make Christmas happen around the world. What about the four people who are about to debate over the position of Santa, do they know what is about to happen?” Sharon asks with a hint of anger behind her voice.

This is turning dark. Shit, we need to shift tone for a second. Let’s kick it to our moderator for the debate to become Santa, Katt take it away.

“Welcome to the fiercest debate in all of the North Pole. It may be cold outside, but it is about to heat up in here. My name is Katt and I will be your moderator for the evening and yes, these are Louboutin’s and yes, they are expensive.

via GIPHY

Let’s meet the candidates to be the next Santa Claus. First up he is the man who has tried to run Christmas a few times in previous stories, but everyone loves a villain underdog, EDD!!!! Next up, we have the lovable goof with the brain power of a ham sandwich but the cuteness of a Build A Bear, Brodie. Next, he loves puns. And that is all I got, it’s Jim. And finally, she is going to destroy these other hacks at real questions because she knows a thing or two about a thing or two and Disney musicals, Hannah.” Katt bellows.

The workers of the North Pole applaud. But it seems that some of the members of staff are on an internet connection from 1999 and are using Netscape Navigator. So, the applause sounds like a Japanese monster movie.

“I would like to go over the rules. Each contestant will have 30 seconds to answer my question with the best response possible. After all the contestants answer the question, a cup of hot chocolate will be brought to each one and this will continue after each round. The idea to make sure you know your Santa knowledge and see if you can handle sweets. At the end of the debate, the staff of the North Pole will participate in a vote much like the ones from America’s Home Videos. The person with the most votes will be christened the New Santa Claus and win $5,000 from 1989 Bob Saget. We will start with Edd. The first question is…..What makes you the best candidate to be Santa?” Katt says.

“The reason I am the best candidate for the position of Santa Claus is look at me. I am the very definition of twisted steel and sex appeal….”

“Yes, you are baby.” Kindra shouts at her computer as if she is in a convention center.

Edd acknowledges her by giving finger guns and a wink. It’s going to be a long night.

“The world doesn’t want me as Santa, they need me as Santa. I will do the job efficiently. I will check the naughty and nice more than twice. Especially the nice list. I know that list falsifies information. Each year two or three kids end up on the naughty list. The numbers should be the other way around.”

Edd’s time runs out. That answer is very puzzling. How am I supposed to wrap my mind around that one? Brodie is next.

“Hamsters are adorable. They make wonderful pets and if those Kia commercials are telling the truth, they are wonderful dancers.” Brodie says.

This is what it’s like to have a stroke, right. I should be worried if I start to smell peanut butter. Jim is next.

“Cause I will Jingle those Bells.” Jim responds.

Shoot me. This is the best we could do on such short notice. Hannah is next.”

“Why would I be the best candidate for job? In my research, I have learned that a nurturing individual is the most qualified for the position at hand. The job requires patience and understanding that the other three do not possess. But I do. In my thesis paper with the same title as my favorite song from Mulan, ‘Make a Man Out Of You,’ I looked at the best process it would take to become Santa even down to certain dietary restrictions. Something that has been always been lacking at that position. Not one human on earth can live on sugar alone, even Will Wonka puts a savory treat in his mouth occasionally. Freud states…”

And that is where we dip out. We will return in a moment. Back over to the conversation between Sharon and Richard.

“Do they know? No, they do not. They have no clue what is about to happen. The idea for the debate is to keep them busy while I go through with Clause 37.”

“The debate is just an evil scheme?” Sharon asks sadly.

‘No. Not even close…. Well, now, that you mention it, yes.” Richard responds.

“When do you even plan to carry this idea out? I know you are the only one at the North Pole. No one can stop you. I know you are going to do it.” Sharon says. “Wait, what room are you in?” Sharon asks.

Richard only responds with a small grin.

“You cheeky bastard. This was your plan all along. You wanted to distract everyone so you could walk into that room and use the Christmas magic for one big gesture. That is stupid and somewhat brilliant.”

The Christmas Magic. Let me explain, for Santa to continue his journeys every year, the North Pole needs to produce enough magic to make that happen. And that magic can be seen throughout the upper northern hemisphere. It’s called the Northern Lights. And I know you have heard about this phenomenon or had the chance to see it in person. It’s beautiful. But there is only one way the Northern Lights can be seen across the globe. And it’s Clause 37, The real Santa Clause. The one that never gets talked about because it will change the very definition of how we view Christmas forever.

via GIPHY

“If we knew that his theory could tied to the principal of being Santa, we would fully understand and comprehend why I would be the best Santa Clause. Thank you for your time.” Hannah wraps up her answer after a 45-minute answer.

“I guess we are going to closing remarks. Edd, you are first.” Katt says.

“I am a Santa, by the people and for me. Thank you.” Edd says.

The only person applauding is his wife, I think. It might just be the lag.

“Brodie, You are next.” Katt says.

“I will bring the fun and the tacos.” Brodie says.

Not the worst answer.

Meanwhile back at Santa’s workshop the conversation continues.

“Please be safe.” Sharon says.

“I will. Now, do me a favor, interrupt the debate feed, and let them know what is about to happen before that vote starts.” Richard says.

“I will.” Sharon says.

“I will be back.” Richard hangs up the call with Sharon. He keeps his phone out, takes in a deep breath, and calls Ashlee.

Back at the debate. Jim takes the floor.

“I will put the Ho! In Ho! Ho! Ho!.” Jim says.

“Hannah, it’s your turn.” Katt says worried about how long this answer will be.

“You should vote for me.” Hannah says.

Katt stares as if she just witnessed a naked man running down the street. “Really?”

It was at this moment; Sharon interrupted the debate zoom call.

“Stop Everything!!!! Something is about to happen and all of you need to know.”

Back at the North Pole.

“Ashlee, I will be back, you have nothing to worry about. But on the other side of this journey is Christmas across the world being saved. It is going to change to the world.” Richard says to Ashlee. You can hear the tears streaming down his face.

“I love you.” Ashlee says.

“I know.” Richard responds in the most cliché nerdy way possible.

Richard hangs up the phone. Stands up from his chair, knowing once he walks through that door, nothing will ever be the same again. And maybe, just maybe that is a good thing. Little did he know, Ashlee is headed to the North Pole to make sure he is ok. Meanwhile, during the zoom debate.

“Is there way to stop him?” Bryan asks.

“I don’t think so.” Says Sharon.

“Will he still be alive after this?” Cindy asks.

The entire group is a buzz, trying to think of the best option possible. “I think someone needs to get up there.” Chelsea says.

“I am not sure we will make it on time.” Sharon responds.

“Could we just send him $600?” Edd says.

He gets a chuckle out of a few people.

“Guys, I think it’s happening.” Brodie exclaims.

Alerts started popping up on everyone’s cell phone.

For the first time in history, The Northern Lights can be seen across the world including the South. Yay, Alabama.

And then a text message from Richard.

Clause 37 activated. Everyone now has the power of Santa.

Everyone would be able to celebrate on that Christmas because for the first time ever the power of Santa Claus was extended to you. But little did anyone know, Ashlee arrived at the North Pole.

“OH MY GOD. Honey, you did it. You freaking did it.” Ashlee exclaims.

Ashlee runs through into the room where Richard was located to only find him motionless on the floor.

“Honey!?” Ashlee screams terrified.

Christmas will never be the same again.


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Rebekah Pruitt
I am Rebekah and I have a problem. A problem with entertaining people. I have been in the comedy world for over 10 years. I started out as an improv actor making fun and light of everything. Doing that felt rewarding, but I have to admit, I wanted more. I couldn’t get the taste of performing out of my mouth. Does that not sound a little creepy? I decided to start doing my own stand up show. I love to make fun of my family and anything that will make a normal person say what the fuck. The journey still continues, in 2009, I had a dream to create my own online magazine. This is the beautiful corner of craziness in front of you. I have been through hell in my life but being stopped is something that I will not let happen. I am a fighter and hope to make people realize it is ok to smile and think from time to time. It also helps being a nerd.
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