I see you are back for part 2. I was kind of hoping you would forget so I could get drunk on some cheap vodka and Sunny D. Always a party when Sunny D is involved. Am I right? You know I am right. I am going to preface this now kids, hold onto your butts because this might be the weirdest part to Christmas story ever published.
I guess for those who missed part 1, let me catch you up since that is why I am making the big money. We learned the North Pole, like everything else, is trying to conduct business at home in their underpants. Santa is trying to find out how to carry out his Christmas Eve adventure to make sure the children of the world can have a happy holiday. Plus, we learned from that email that was sent to me through anonymous sources, that Santa has an announcement to make. And it’s all supposed to take place during a Zoom call.
I am not sure anyone really thought about the idea of adding a Zoom call section to an entire story that is written. This is going to come across a giant disaster. Plus, have you ever transcribed a Zoom meeting. People will be talking over each other constantly, yelling, screaming profanities. If I wanted to be part of something like this, I would have just called one of my exes from 2007.
Sorry, I am not sure how to stretch this out, we are just waiting for the ZOOM meeting to begin. I am starting to learn these types of meeting never get started on time.
Umm. So, did anyone see Jupiter and Saturn last night? If those two planets can be that close again after 800 years, then you still have a shot at reconciling with your parents. Sorry, that was not aimed to you reading, that was more of a type talk to myself.
Ah finally the meeting is about to begin. Richard comes up first and proceeds with opening remarks.
“Welcome to this meeting of the North Pole Workforce. Today we are embarking on a journey never before taken….”
“WE ARE STARTING A SPACE FORCE!” Yelled Edd.
“I mean it would be kind of cool to be known as a Guardian of the Galaxy…. No! Now is not the time Edd. Jesus, you sidetracked me. Ok. Today is a thinktank. I want all of you to come to the table with an idea that will allow us safely to bring Christmas to the world during this tough year. And before anyone asks, time travel is not an option, we are currently stuck in 2020 for another week. I am possibly going to regret this decision, but we are going to start this meeting off with Brodie.”
“Thank you, boss. First, I want the records to show that I am wearing pants. And not just any pants, tight pants. I need to make ass look good for the misses. I have an idea.” Brodie says.
Everyone stares at their camera in bewilderment.
“I see the look on your faces!!! You are asking yourself, Brodie, how did you come up with the idea that will save Christmas. I am going to tell you. I was sitting down watching a video with individuals who happen to have the worst jaundice you have ever witnessed. And during the video, a chubby male, wore a hazmat suit to work as if everything was fine. My proposal is that we create a Santa Hazmat suit. Complete with all the Christmas accessories needed to make the night as easy as possible. I even created a simulator to show you how effective my idea is. One idea into this meeting and we are done. BOO and Yah!”
Dear god, a grown man in 2020 just said Booyah. I might hit that Sunny Driver a lot sooner than expected.
A very poorly animated video comes on the screen. Richard is nothing more than a stick figure with a round body wearing what looks like a fedora. Animated Stick Figure Santa walks over to the closet grabs the hazmat suit to put on his portly body. Animated Santa attempts to do one of the tik tok dances or has seizure. At this point it is too early to tell. Climbs to the roof and attempts to head down the chimney. The plus side to working from home is that no one had the opportunity to test this idea out in person. Because if Richard would have tried his fat ass would have been stuck in chimney wearing a hazmat suit.
“Brodie, did you say all the individuals in the video you were watching had jaundice?” Richard asks
“Yes, it seems to be running very rampant in this town.” Brodie replies.
“Is there a chance the video you were watching is an episode of The Simpsons?” Richard questions Brodie.
Nothing says ‘Christmas Spirit’ faster than watching an adult end up with defeated face. He was one step away from a surrender cobra and tears. It’s every Notre Dame fan for the past couple of years.
Brodie sheepishly replies, “Yeah.” The tone of sadness could the air like a knife.
“Sharon, just out of curiosity, if I were to become stuck in a chimney, how would I have been able to escape?” Richard asks.
“The answer I can conclude is butter. Industrial tubs of butter.” Sharon replies.
(Note: We still are not allowed to discuss the whereabouts and story of Sharon until tomorrow due to an NDA. But it will very well be worth the wait. Trust me! Now back to the story.”
“Next up on the list is Jim. Jim what ideas can you bring to the table good sir!” Richard says with a hint of hope behind his voice.
“I believe the answer to being safe while traveling during a pandemic comes down to what you are putting into your body. And for me that is a regiment of Hot Pockets and Puns. And I know you cannot eat a pun, but you can eat a Hot Pocket while reading puns. The immune system will fight as if it were Lionel of the Thundercats.” Jim responds.
Richard is trying to wrap his head around the idea of strongest weapon in this battle being a Hot Pocket.
“Jim, I am not sure if it is because I am fat or the talk of butter has made me excited in my loins, but what kind of Hot Pocket?” Richard asks. Not sure why this knowledge is needed, but I too am intrigued.
“Ham and Cheese. The best kind of Hot Pocket. Eat one those so you can ham it up.” Jim says.
“Can someone please mute Jim’s feed? Ham and Cheese are not even in the top 5 best Hot Pockets. And that joke gives me the urge to play The Price is Right Losing Tuba.” Richard says.
“Jim’s feed is muted.” Sharon says.
“Sharon, you deserve a raise for taking care of that.” Richard responds. “Alright next on the list is…. Edd Sowder. God damnit.”
“I think you should make me Santa.” Edd says with a hint of evil villain behind his voice.
“I think you should come up with better ideas.” Richard responds.
Someone had a bowl of sassy Wheaties this morning.
“Katt, you are next.” Richard says and now that feeling of Hope is fleeting away more and more quickly.
“Bitch, you need to work a pair of shoes. You will gain confidence and strut yourself down the runways of many people’s homes.” Katt says.
“Shoes?” Richard replies.
“You know a good pair of wedges makes feel like I can conquer the moon.” Sharon says.
“She is not wrong.” Katt says. “Girl, you need to try some pumps especially with what you are doing now.” Katt says to Sharon.
Sharon’s response is redacted. We pick up at the end of the conversation.
“I am uncoordinated as fuck. If I try to walk in heels after coming down a chimney, I am going to fall. What if a child asks for a puppy? Do you really want to be responsible for Santa for falling and crushing an innocent puppy?” Richard says.
Hannah and Zack say coffee is the answer. Richard shoots that down just as fast.
“I really do not want to use strange people’s bathrooms all night. I already have an issue about pooping on a toilet that is not mine. And well that much coffee is just asking for trouble.” Richard responds while holding his belly.
Manda suggests using the power of music to help Richard in his midnight flight to make Christmas happen for all the children around the world. Downside, the North Pole could only get the rights to one song. And it’s not even a Christmas song.
“Richard do you think it would be a good idea to sing the only song we can get?” Sharon asks.
“It’s a fun song. But I am not sure Milkshake is the exact song that will invoke the Christmas Spirit. I mean I have not seen Mrs. Claus in a while. But how many boys would it bring to the yard and would it be against the CDC guidelines?” Richard says.
The meeting is coming to an end. And not one idea is going to make the journey to make Christmas easier on anyone.
“We have 48 hours to make this happen and I know we can do it. Thank you everyone for all of your hard work in making this Christmas happen.” Richard says as he begins to stop his stream. It was at this moment we learn that Edd is one not wearing pants. We will be sparing you all the details.
“Oh, one more thing…” Richard stops everyone before logging off. “Edd, you might want to not wear boxer shorts with you face on it. I wanted to take this time to say thank you to all of you. Your help over the past few years has honestly kept me going. But 2020 will be my last year as Santa.”
Richard stands up, turns off his camera and walks away while everyone tries to process what they just heard.”
Come back for Part 3 of Suit Up, Santa to find out if Christmas will happen.