Suit up, Santa! The Part of Three


Have you tried one of those new hot chocolate bomb things yet? OMG, it’s like happiness mixed with love in a damn cup. It’s hot chocolate put in a ball of chocolate. Just like a bath, you drop the chocolate ball in some warm milk, and it makes hot chocolate. This is a genius idea. It’s a bath for your tastebuds. Life cannot get any better than that. But I know one of you uncouth jackasses will put that thing in water. And that is just sad. Do you not love yourselves at all? NO one, NOT A SOUL, should make hot chocolate with water. And the exception to the rules are those individuals who are lactose intolerant, but you know what, suck it buttercup. Let those milky holiday toots sound like the bells of a Christmas choir.

I guess you are here to find out what happens next in the story. Look, I am more fascinated with these hot chocolate balls. Would it be acceptable to just talk about those? Hell, a friend of mine just bought peanut butter whiskey. A melted peanut butter cup sounds like a better way to spend the night. So, you are fine with this idea, right? No? Damn it. It was worth a shot.

(Oh, you are going to see a countdown in this story. Do not think anything about it, it will make perfect sense if you have read the first two parts.)

10.

So, where did we leave off? Richard is in the search for a way to ensure his delivery of Christmas presents will go without hitch. He was presented some plans from the staff, but they were, how do I put this to not hurt anyone’s feelings? They fucking sucked. And if that was not enough to stress out the members of the North Pole, Richard dropped a bomb. Speaking of bombs, can I take a break for second, I need to take a sip of this exquisite hot chocolate. Part 3 is in no way sponsored by hot chocolate bombs, but we will allow it.

9.

The bomb Richard dropped is that he is stepping down as Santa Claus after this year. The news sent a shockwave through the North Pole. The last time anything this shocking happened, the year was 1978 and it involved the Easter Bunny and Cadbury Eggs. I really cannot go into any more detail than that. The reason is not what you think, I do not know. And I don’t want to WikiChristmas it.

The staff of the North Pole had no idea how to process the news just announced. Richard just shut off his feed and walked away from his computer. The first person he called was his wife, who was enjoying some down time and watching an anime that no one has ever heard of before.

8.

“Are you really sure about this, honey? I know how much the position of Santa means to you. This is a big step.” Ashlee asks.

“I think so.” Richard says.

“You think so? That is not the way to handle this situation. You must be definitive with your answer. You need to have weighed all of the options before making this decision.” Ashlee says in a stern mom voice.

“It may not be what I want to do. But I feel it is what I need to do. For years, I get to hear about how people hate Christmas and virtually everything around it. And for the most part, I understand it. I would hate if my radio station went from playing Lady Gaga to Bing Crosby in the span of a day. Or I hear people discuss how much anxiety it causes them to buy presents for others. Hearing that, breaks my heart. None of that is what Christmas is about to me. It’s about those little moments that when you are feeling down, you will be able to look back on and it brings a smile to your face. Decorating a tree, watching your favorite movie in a cozy pair of pjs, being around people that you actually want to be around. But this year, everything has been thrown upside down, shaken not stirred, and turned into utter chaos. I’m afraid this will be the last year anyone feels the Christmas spirit. And I feel my decision may help. Even if I lose everything, it will be worth knowing I was able to put smile on someone’s face.”

via GIPHY

7.

Ashlee is frozen on the other end of the phone. A tear runs down her cheek, “You put a smile on my face love. You are my favorite.” Ashlee responds.

“You are mine. Now, how to tell everyone the plan is the question.” Richard says.

“Don’t.” Ashlee quickly replies.

“I think I like that idea better. You know for the first time in a long time, I am able to cause some chaos with my position.” Richard says in a sinister tone.

“Not sure I like that tone.” Ashlee says with a giggle.

“What if I sent everyone this text message? Hold on, I will send it to you.” Richard finishes typing something out on his outdated iPhone because the job of Santa pays nothing.

“Oh, that is funny. But oof. I am going to need to keep up with this as it happens.” Ashlee says

Richard rubs his hands together as if he were an evil super villain. Well, I did not have that on my 2020 Bingo Card. All I needed is one more space for a used gift card for Arby’s.

Richard sends this ominous text message to everyone. And I don’t know if you have been in a room where everyone gets the same weather notification going off at the same time. It was like that, except instead of just a ping, or even the emergency alert system notifications, it’s a section of the dogs barking Jingle Bells.

5.

The text message reads as follows.

YES, you heard me correctly at the end of that phone call. I will be stepping away from being Santa Claus at the end of this year. But, instead of getting all tushy, (autocorrect wins again. It’s supposed to be mushy.) we need to look towards the future. And that is deciding who will be the next Santa Claus. This person will need to be able bring joy to the world as well as the responsibility of making sure the North Pole functions normally. To make sure the right person is picked. We will be holding a random election on the morning of Christmas Eve. If you feel you can be Santa Claus, step up because your time is now. And yes, I may have quoted John Cena. Please send your name and campaign slogan to Sharon.

via GIPHY

4.

Sharon was not pleased. She did not want a damn thing to do with politics. But now she had to oversee dealing with these individuals trying to get into the red suit. She immediately facetimes Richard in anger. Of course, he does not answer. No one wants to answer a call from an angry person. Sharon called again and again. Finally, after 31 times, Richard answered.

3.

“I am guessing you might be a tad pissed.” Richard says.

“Pissed? Pissed is the diet term for what I am. I am fricking furious! (Angry Sharon’s not a curse, curse words make me giggle.) I have already received emails from 4 different people. You do realize that is four emails more than I want. Are you prepared for the repercussions of this election? Because I am not.” Sharon says in a tone that is slightly below angry demon.

“It can’t be that bad.” Richard says back to Sharon.

“Can’t be that bad? Do you want to know which names and slogans will be on that damn ballot tomorrow?” Sharon says.

Richard with hint of laughter coming from his voice. “Yes, I do.”

“Alright, first up is Edd. You know the guy who caused the civil war at the North Pole due to whip cream or marshmallows. The same guy who tried to stop you for the past two year and take over. Yeah, that guy.

His slogan; Presents should only be socks.”

Richard laughs. Sharon is becoming more annoyed at every turn.

2.

“Next up is Brodie. His slogan is: Video Games and Yummy Chicken Soup from Campbell’s. If he wins does that mean Santa is going corporate. Do you want that on your conscious?

Jim submitted his name with the slogan, Santa, Claus I can.”

“Ok, that was not bad.” Richard says amused at Jim’s Pun.

“And finally, Hannah submitted her name and gave a dissertation on the presents that Santa delivers and happiness. I am happy a woman is running, break that Santa barrier. But do we really want an episode of The Big Bang Theory happening as our yearly Christmas story.” Sharon says. “Richard, I know you are giving your phone that look right now. And yes, I just broke the 4th wall. You better not have a problem with it. I am sick of this.”

“And what is with this stupid countdown thing. No one understands it. It does not make sense. Trying to add content to add content is not a good idea.” Sharon says in anger.

“Sharon, you know what it is about.” Richard says back to her.

“What are you talking about?” Sharon takes a long pause. “Oh god no. Please do not do this? No body wants to know about that.”

“But they do. Narrator let me do this for you because I know you have wanted to burst for the past two days. It’s time. Zero.” Richard says.

THE NDA IS UP!!!! NOT ONLY HAS SHARON BEEN A HELPING PEOPLE, BUT SHARON IS ALSO CUPID IN HER SPARE TIME!

“Fuck.” Sharon yells.

DING DING DING. We did it. We were able to unlock the achievement of Sharon cursing in part 3. I believe that is a new record.

“Well, that was worth it.” Richard says proud of himself. “Let us get back to the situation. I say before the election, we let all four argue their reasons. Let’s have a debate.”

“Why? Debates are boring.” Sharon says.

“Yes, they are.” Richard responds.

“And tomorrow is Christmas Eve. And tomorrow night is the big ride, how is this all going to work?” Sharon asks.

“Simple.” Richard replies.

“Well, I would love to know what you are thinking.” Sharon snaps back.

“I know you have gone over the rules of Santa Claus many times over. The answer has been there the entire time……” Richard says.

A text for the debate is sent out to all the members of the North Pole. Little did they know it is all a distraction for the plan.

“I have gone over that plan numerous times and have no idea what you are talking about.” Sharon says.

“Clause 37.” Richard says.

“OH MY GOD.” Sharon exclaims.

And that will do it for part 3! Come back on Christmas Eve for Part 4 when we learn what is Clause 37, a debate and election for the ages, the first ever written musical number.


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Richard Pruitt
I am Richard and I have a problem. A problem with entertaining people. I have been in the comedy world for over 10 years. I started out as an improv actor making fun and light of everything. Doing that felt rewarding, but I have to admit, I wanted more. I couldn’t get the taste of performing out of my mouth. Does that not sound a little creepy? I decided to start doing my own stand up show. I love to make fun of my family and anything that will make a normal person say what the fuck. The journey still continues, in 2009, I had a dream to create my own online magazine. This is the beautiful corner of craziness in front of you. I have been through hell in my life but being stopped is something that I will not let happen. I am a fighter and hope to make people realize it is ok to smile and think from time to time. It also helps being a nerd.
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