TBK Investigates: Could Santa Claus Be A Vampire?


A couple of days ago, I penned an article from the heart. One that caused me to break down in tears when I was finished. The emotion flowed through my body as if it were a vaccine for highly contagious pandemic. Please get vaccinated so we will not have to call you a Karen. But I showed a side of me that has been lacking from my writing, something hit me in the middle of the night. I was having a dream that my dog and myself joined up with Dwight Schrute to investigate crimes of passion which led us to a Medieval Times. But when I jumped out of bed, a thought crossed my mind that I need answered.

As a society, we are told from a young age to not let strangers inside our homes. So that bares the question, can some answer this: None of us know Santa, so why do we let him inside our house? I decided to try to get to the bottom of this Christmas mystery.

Here me out. In most lore of the jolly old fat man, Santa is just a magical being with a smoking hot wife. And that is where we leave the story. The only time I can remember Santa having a normal life before taking over the job as Santa is in The Santa Clause. Tim Allen’s character lives a normal life but still is required to do the work of Santa Claus. So, why would we let this man into our house, outside the fact that he gives presents? My dog leaves a present under the tree, I am sure no one else would just welcome a dog who poops under a tree without getting to know them first.

We are all on the assumption that Santa is all cool and well. But something tells me there may be a master plan to all his gift giving. Let Santa in on Christmas eve and each Christmas he slightly moves a painting on the wall so after a few years it’s not level. While that is not in the same league as some of the super evil geniuses of the world, it’s a decent dastardly move. And it’s carried out by a man in a red suit who eats cookies. You can’t hate anything where their main diet is cookies for example, Santa, Cookie Monster, me about two and a half weeks ago.

Here is another scenario for you to chew on. What if Santa is looking for the new Mrs. Claus, does that mean the kids of single mums get better presents? To quote the very intelligent Mermaid Man from Spongebob, “There is EVIL afoot.”

Why do we let him in? I think I have the answer. The answer came to me during a fever induced hallucination. And if you are going to have visions, you might as well do it while fighting COVID-19. It was my own personal “That’s So Raven” moment. The answer as to why we allow Santa into our homes every Christmas is simple.

via GIPHY

Santa is a vampire.

Before you start judging me, put on some hot chocolate and buckle the hell up. Because when I am finished, you are either going to think I am the smartest human alive or I need a therapist. I am open for suggestions.

Santa only works one day a year, and that is Christmas Eve. He only delivers at night and just for one night. And it’s dark everyday beginning in October. Want to know what else is in October…. Halloween. The time of spooky stuff.

And the only reason he is allowed into our homes is from us inviting him in with open arms. Kids write him letters asking for presents. It’s a simple ruse. If you are not aware, the only way a vampire can enter one’s home is if they are invited. EVERYONE INVITES SANTA. It makes sense. However, he is not like the typical vampires where blood is the food source, as we learned from What We Do in the Shadows, other vampires exist. Meet the Sugary Vampire. Give this vampire a bowl of honey smacks, and it will become a fortnight to remember.

It is the only logical explanation of how he can get into houses every year, his food of choice is sugar, and he only works at night. I feel I have a clear-cut case proving that ole Kris Kringle is a vampire.

I rest my case. Now cue the gif of Willy Wonka saying “GOOD DAY SIR”

via GIPHY

If there is a case in pop culture you want investigated, send it to our team via contactus@tbkmagazine.com


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Richard Pruitt
I am Richard and I have a problem. A problem with entertaining people. I have been in the comedy world for over 10 years. I started out as an improv actor making fun and light of everything. Doing that felt rewarding, but I have to admit, I wanted more. I couldn’t get the taste of performing out of my mouth. Does that not sound a little creepy? I decided to start doing my own stand up show. I love to make fun of my family and anything that will make a normal person say what the fuck. The journey still continues, in 2009, I had a dream to create my own online magazine. This is the beautiful corner of craziness in front of you. I have been through hell in my life but being stopped is something that I will not let happen. I am a fighter and hope to make people realize it is ok to smile and think from time to time. It also helps being a nerd.
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