Why Would Anyone Want A Hippopotamus For Christmas?


I was in bed sound asleep dreaming working at a paper company in Scranton PA when suddenly, my brain locks on a certain topic. And from that moment on, I had tunnel vision. I needed to know. I wanted to find someone to ask a tough question. I sprung up from the bed, I texted my sister from another mister which led to a conversation about human crabs which is now the weirdest thing I have talked about today. But I have a question that I really need to know the answer. Why in the wide world of sports would anyone want a hippopotamus for Christmas?

We know the hippo is not being stuffed at a Build A Bear Workshop by 20-year-old who hates their job but will make that heart warm so that animal can live damn it. No, we know the girl in the song is asking for the big boy. The real-life hippo. Out of all the animals a child could want, I don’t think Hippopotamus cracks my top 20. Penguins? Sure. Pandas? 100%. Hippo? Hell to the no.

Most hippos eat plants, but occasionally a hippo will have a thirst for blood. What happens if that is the hippo Santa brings on Christmas eve. Also, with the number of plants the hippo will need to eat, that animal is going to turn this poor child’s parents living room into the dung scene from Jurassic Park. Who is going to clean up after that thing? If I were part of a maid service, I would go on strike.

via GIPHY

How in the hell is Santa going to get a hippo down the chimney? I understand Santa’s bag is magical. But Santa must weight 300-350 LBS. And that would fluctuate depending on how far along the big guy is on Christmas Eve. So, a 325 pound man is going to come down the chimney with 3,000+ pound hippo. The integrity of that house will collapse faster than a Trump voter fraud case. Santa and the Hippo will break the house.

And how is this girl going to take care of the hippo. The size alone tells me it is an outside hippo. And my guess is that they live in the big city where the only animal seen by others is a pigeon that poops on cars.

Asking Santa for a hippo is just setting yourself to hate Santa for the rest of your life. And that is not healthy. Just because they like you, does not mean the hippo needs to be hovering over your bed. Hopefully, your head is not too round, and you end up like a game piece from Hungry Hungry Hippos.


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Richard Pruitt
I am Richard and I have a problem. A problem with entertaining people. I have been in the comedy world for over 10 years. I started out as an improv actor making fun and light of everything. Doing that felt rewarding, but I have to admit, I wanted more. I couldn’t get the taste of performing out of my mouth. Does that not sound a little creepy? I decided to start doing my own stand up show. I love to make fun of my family and anything that will make a normal person say what the fuck. The journey still continues, in 2009, I had a dream to create my own online magazine. This is the beautiful corner of craziness in front of you. I have been through hell in my life but being stopped is something that I will not let happen. I am a fighter and hope to make people realize it is ok to smile and think from time to time. It also helps being a nerd.
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