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Category: Self Help for the Helpless

A Self-Help for the Helpless Public Service Announcement from Your Friend Dan

This is a very Self Help for the Helpless Public Service Announcement just in time for Christmas. If you happen to be like one of the people described in this article, a man dressed as Santa Claus will show up at your door to kick you in the chestnuts, or the mistletoe. We do not discriminate around here, especially at the holidays. I understand that there are people in the world who do not like Christmas. The people who find this time of the year to be a bigger pain in the ass than another person’s screaming child. I...

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Self-Help for the Helpless

There comes a time that a person just needs a little motivation. Just enough motivation in hope that they will get off their mother’s couch, put down the second fucking bowl of macaroni and cheese and do something with their life. But instead fear seems to be bending them over the bed as if they were Anastasia Steele in Christian’s Red Room, the only difference is this sex isn’t fucking fan fiction based off some sparkling vampire story. I want to share a piece of advice with all of you, want to know the worst shopping day of the...

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Self-Help for the Helpless #7

It’s so quiet around here, it seems like this place has been deserted, and turned into a wild west theme park. And if you are a fan of wild west theme parks, chances are that you are a 48-year-old virgin who has a real estate license, thinking the American love dream is the relationship from the movie Vacation. It has been awhile since I have graced this magazine with my beautiful Stick Figure Face, and for those who do not know me, let me introduce myself because chances are by the end of this, you will wish my head...

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Self-Help for the Helpless: Christmas

Why do a lot of you make me want to take the thing that is most cherished to me and stick it in a toaster to never be used again? It is the holiday season, and the only thing that I am seeing is a bunch people looking like they are going to be the stars of a new season of My Super Sweet 16. If you do not know who I am, you will by the end of this piece. My name is Stick Figure(Oh the weather outside is tornadoes and not snow. Instead of asking Santa for...

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Self-Help for the Helpless Christmas

The holidays are ruled by an over stimulation of depression and mass amounts of rum. So before you drink yourself into a coma or the New Year, depending on how much egg nog you can hold, let me help. If you do not know who I am, let me introduce myself. My name is Stick Figure (The Mistletoe is over the door so I can use my tongue. Not to mention my stocking is very well hung. At Christmas, most kids ask Santa for a pony. And I just want a hooker who has been less penetrated than a...

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